Can You Offer Dating Advice to an Adult with Asperger Syndrome?
Friday March 21, 2008
I recently received this email, and not having Asperger Syndrome I can only suggest that the writer take a look at some of the books and forums dedicated to relationships and autism. Of course, I can also point to examples of adults on the spectrum with terrific relationships, as well as adults who are happily unpartnered.
I'm guessing, though, that many of you can offer much more useful advice based on personal experience.
Recently, I have accepted and loved myself unconditionally (a good thing), after being diagnosed with both Attention Deficit Disorder with Hyperactivity and Asperger's (a form of autism). I am interested in meeting others, and hopefully something will pan out and might become more than friendship down the road. Given that I will be new to the dating scene after going through what I have, what recommendations would people have for me? I have no desire to rush into a relationship. However, I am very content and happy being where I am in in my life. I am concerned I will be so content and happy that I'll overlook the possibility of wanting to be involved in a relationship and such. Is this normal? If it is not normal, how can I move forward to normalize things in my life?What would you recommend to this writer? Thanks in advance for your help!
Comments
It has to be a game to go along with play therapy.
It to Don’t rush just meet people.
Look for like minded people, charities you believe in, churches or dating groups for like minded people.
ok years of going but I met my husband in church. I have sensory motor condition. I was not in a rush just to date just anyone.
I read that famed special ed professor with autism Stephen M. Shore used social story to tell if someone of the opposite sex was interested.
Buying a lot of big gifts might turn a girl off as pressure but little gifts as a single flower, chocolates and poem, books and small games were good gifts for me. Then as my husband got me to know me he learned I liked cooking and fitness gadgets but not many woman find those things romantic to me they were because he really was thoughtful and thinking of me.
Tell her what you have-about your autism. Let her know you need help in figuring out about relationships. Her support in spite of your autism is what you need and should look for.Eventually she should read about it-but dating will be hard. It is hard for everyone, but harder for you.
Make sure she knows that you need alone time. Figure out if she is ok with you needing this time to yourself since it will probably always be a part of you. If she is not ok with it then she is not the partner for you.
Let her know if you have obsessions or passions that take a lot of your time.
Does she have any like interests? Guessing maybe computers?? Look for someone that has common interests that will sustain the relationship, and someone you really like as a person.
It wouldn’t hurt to read a book about dating -maybe one on the New York Times best seller list?
You both will have to work at it.
Good luck.
SH
You probably have been taking social skills classes for some time, but continue to look for education that deals with social topics.
I have AS; also an ADD/HD diagnosis. For starters; how old are you, and what do you do for a living? Also, I am assuming you are a guy, right?
Hello,
I have Asperger’s I am a specialist trainer to teachers and support workers etc and also a mentor to people with Asperger’s.
My advice would be not to worry about being normal or getting a relashonship the last few lines in the message seem to suggest that the writer was comming to terms with their diagnosis and where that puts them in the world, many people with ASD’s as your rightly point out are unhappy partnerned, so wheather it is normal or not should be of no concern, people with ASD’s often mean every little word .If however the reader feels that they would like to persue a relashonship then the best thing to do is to socialise possabilly centered around their intrest(s), and not to do this just beacuse they want a partner. I suppose what Im saying is if the writer feels they want to socialise great but if not then mayvbe having a partner can be sought some other way, a good website to look at would be http://www.wrongplanet.net there is also a publishing company called Jessica KIngsley publishing http://www.jkp.com who have some books on dating and ASD’s, which would help the reader follow all the rules that are unspoken in our world, the reader should expect to get things wring and to get hurt and be aware that most people do not end up long term with their first partner.
hope this is of use,
ps sorry about the spelling Im dyslexic
Thanks for your comments so far everyone. For everyone’s information, I will be 41 next month. I live in southeast Tennessee. Been married/divorced once, no children. Employed full-time in the hardware distribution business working with both suppliers and contractors. I have a number of hobbies, including writing pen pal letters, knitting, meeting new people through MeetUp.com, nature, and so many more interests.
Hope this gives everyone better background information about me and my post to Ms. Rudy that she posted.
Thanks, Scott
Hi –
I landed here while looking for information on asperger/nt relationships. I don’t know how typical I am. I am a recovering alcoholic and come from an abandonment background – have been in much counseling and have not drank in nearly 4 years. I had not attempted a true relationship in 5 years when I met the man that I have been interested in and have come to love over the last 5 months. Ironic thing is that as I met him, my son was going through the final stages of diagnosis of Aspergers. I have learned a lot about Aspergers, and the diagnosis has been a relief as now I know it’s not my parenting or my child misbehaving. We work on routine and I interact accordingly. It is often hard to keep my cool – but I know I must or I will overwhelm my son and he will shut down.
Here is the reason the timing of meeting my guy and diagnosis is ironic. 4 months in to the relationship my guy starts going to counseling to process a huge family event that happened at the holidays. He was referred to this counselor by his marriage counselor that he saw before his divorce. Come to find out the counselor is an Aspergers specialist and that is what is being looked into with my guy.
We have problems communicating. This scares me. I am one who needs to discuss what I am feeling – mainly because I have gone through so much of my life being told not to feel, trust or talk. I like things open and up front. My guy takes things out of context – makes small things huge and seems to have a plan that I am not involved in planning. He also thinks I am accusatory. It seems to me I would know if I was accusing him of something. I’m not. So, reading this, I would say break it off. Thing is in the beginning he wasn’t like this. He was sweet and loving and seemed to be into “us.” Now he doesn’t seem to need to be in contact with me. I feel like I am just taken for granted at this point. He says he loves me as much. Much has changed, though. Way less communication.
My question to adults with Aspergers. Does the loving feeling come and go. I don’t want to just run from this. I’ve spent my life running from relationships. I do love him. I don’t want to put myself if harms way emotionally, though. I’ve done a lot of work to get healthy. Where my vices are concerned – I will always have to watch stress and drama levels in my life. Am I taking on too much? Will it always be trauma and drama. Can it just level out and be somewhat calm.
Thanks for any input.
Suzan
I have Asperger’s syndrome and I don’t have any advice to the letter writer when it comes to women and dating. I have little difficulty making friends, and when it comes to what you could call the social micro level of friendship I am quite likeable. The times I have tried to develop a relationship, which is the macro level of friendship, however, disaster has occurred. This isn’t to say the situation won’t change in the future, and different age groups may be more accepting. If it is merely friends that the writer wants, then he should just pursue that.
I am a woman and, though technically undiagnosed as yet, I believe that I have Asperger´s Syndrome. Like you, I have finally come to accept myself and love myself unconditionally after all these years. I guess that´s the 1st step, probably one in a long line of many.
I wish I could give you advice on dating, but, unfortunately, I haven´t figured that out myself yet! All I know is that I feel very intimidated by the whole thing, as well as pressured to make a decision and “feel something” before I know what I feel….I wonder if it´s those 75% nonverbal signals that we´re not getting that enable other people to connect so quickly? Anyway, judging from your e-mail, it sounds like you want to take things slow, which is probably a good thing. The advice I would give to you would be to try to do what feels right to you, not worry about what you “should” do. Maybe just cultivate friendships for now, and then see where that takes you. (Actually, this is what I´d like to do too, unfortunately, I don´t know how to make friends with a man! Either they seem to want something physical, or they don´t want to have anything to do with me…) If anyone can give me any advice on that point, it would be appreciated!
There is a group for Aspie Dating on Facebook
I also have Asperger’s Syndrome. When I was young I was diagnoised as “selectively mute,” due to trumatic early abuse. But later, was diagnoised with Asperger’s Syndrome. I’m high functioning in some area, but I really srtuggle with relationships and any kind of interpersonal communication. My oldest son also has Asperger’s Syndrome and my youngest son has Autism. (We had been told that it wasn’t genetic. But since both my boys have some form of it and they have different Dads, I now think that there many be some kind of genetic component to the autism spectrum.
I wish I knew how to overcome the interpersonal relationship piece of Asperger’s Syndrome, because it is loney and confusing.
http://www.myspace.com/1orraine
I also have Asperger’s Syndrome. When I was young I was diagnoised as “selectively mute,” due to trumatic early abuse. But later, was diagnoised with Asperger’s Syndrome. I’m high functioning in some area, but I really srtuggle with relationships and any kind of interpersonal communication. My oldest son also has Asperger’s Syndrome and my youngest son has Autism. (We had been told that it wasn’t genetic. But since both my boys have some form of it and they have different Dads, I now think that there many be some kind of genetic component to the autism spectrum.
I wish I knew how to overcome the interpersonal relationship piece of Asperger’s Syndrome, because it is lonely and confusing.
Michael (response 7); does your post imply that you are gay? If so, I’d like to know about gay relationships and and how (if) they are approachable by people with Asperger’s. I’m under the impression that gay people cannot be engaged in gay relationships because such things are (only socially) wrong.
I’m on Asperger’s spectrum and in middle of breakup with partner, and am devastated and looking around for info on AS and dating. I saw what Lisa wrote above and feel compelled to comment:
“(Actually, this is what I´d like to do too, unfortunately, I don´t know how to make friends with a man! Either they seem to want something physical, or they don´t want to have anything to do with me…)”
Yes, this IS how a man, or at least, an AS man, would often respond. My advice for you would be to let the guy know, in a very straightforward manner, that you are not closed to a physical relationship, but don’t want to jump into one quickly, and would very much like to give the relationship some time to develop, leaving the issue of a physical relationship on the back burner for a while.
ttoal@sbcglobal.net
I can offer an interesting perspective on this as I am an adult male that lives with Aspergers.
I have been dating for years and am still looking to find the right woman (its not easy, especially for us adult men living with aspergers)…
I will say this as a man in regard to women…every story has two sides to it – I am not trying to make this hateful toward women in the least way, I am trying to honestly offer advice/insight to other men living with AS who are experiencing similar hardships in the dating world. What I am about to say is very candid and to the point.
A few things –
Dating is a game all around – many people are dishonest, lie, deceitful, and have problems. There are many bad people out there (it takes time and you have to go through experiences to find the right one). As very sensitive, caring, and kind individuals on the Spectrum this makes it difficult for us b/c we are not naturally not like this (however in the real world, many are).
There is no solution, quick fix for this. Open lines of communication with your family and closest of friends. A support group can be helpful (provided that it is the right type of group). Online groups can be good as well.
A few things that I wanted to mention (and this is not to sound chauvinistic in the least way, I am saying this to help other aspergers men out there)…If a woman you are dating, emailing with, talking with on the phone exhibits any of the following traits be very cautious (and quite frankly, avoid her altogether)…
1) if she asks too much about your job, what you do, specific details in regard to your work, precise details in regard to everything…you know what question is coming next – how much money do you make? this is a prototypical sign of a gold-digger (in plain language, a woman who only cares about money, herself, and no one else). a good woman who has a good heart, mind, and soul would not be too overly inquisitive about only your job (however, the gold digger on the other hand only cares about money – and could care less about you)
2) if a woman is leading you on (let’s say, she asks you to meet her for a drink or coffee and doesn’t show and this happens several times in a row)…this is a red flag that she is a tease (note: many men living with aspergers are not aware of this sort of thing) – AVOID
3) if a woman wants to meet you on a first date with ‘her friends’, it means that she is insecure and unstable with the type of person that she truly is – don’t bother even considering it – just avoid altogether
A good thing to remember gentlemen (fellow aspies that are out there, and there are quite a few of us)…if a woman is traveling with several of her friends in a ‘pack’, all dressed up, showing too much – she is bad news…a good person would never do such a thing. Think about this, its common sense.
However, there are good people out there…Its not easy in finding the right one, but believe in yourself. Patience, peristence, and positivity and you will find the right person for you.
There is so much to say to all of this.
I am a female with Asperger’s, A.D.D., and am extremely obsessive. Being socially retarded, and generally interactively ‘lazy’ (so I’ve been told), isn’t damning. My concern is that so many AS people want to be NT people. My colorful analogies, intelligence, creative ability, and core rooted feelings of connectedness and appreciation for others’ defines me. I represent a challenge to convention and I’m down with that!
Despite not being able to ’show love,’ I’m no stranger to serious relationships. True, they don’t last forever. My longest stint was six years. I am smiling as I type, and am remembering my spouse and I having the series of confrontations leading up to our separation. He had been describing to me the deterioration of both his moral foundation and emotional well being through a series of ‘conversations.’ Each time one of these began, I would go out and tool around in the yard, and he chose to follow me around reexpressing his point of arguement over and over. I was unable to comprehend what he was telling me at the time. As the ‘conversations’ became increasingly heated, I took to mowing the grass every subsequent ‘conversation.’ When I took my breaks on the back porch, he would sit beside me and ask me if I understood or accepted what he was telling me. I remember sitting , staring at the siding on the house, blank faced, wishing I could muster the courage to ask him to get me a glass of water. I was terrified to get up to go get it myself. When he pressed for my response, I always asked “Will you get me a glass of water?” He would over analyze this question, screaming at me, enforcing that I was selfish and not listening.
The thing is, I was listening. I was listening so intently, that it was disabling for me. I could feel that he was in pain, and was suffering. His tears were not wasted. I watched his chest caving with his sobs. I felt completely useless. As it was during our entire relationship, his emotions broke me. He begged to be held and comforted. I’d concede and hold him. He would tell me I wasn’t being sincere, so I would stop, and shrug it off. This fueled his anger and resentment of me. When I tried going back over it with him, it turned into an even greater ‘conversation,’ leaving me feeling completely inadequate. Imagine a live mink hitched to a meat hook, having it’s fur sliced apart and stripped away… that’s how I felt.
I became a basket case. Eventually, I dissolved our marriage first by becoming an insane, retaliatory idiot, then by retaining a divorce attorney. I’ll spare you the proceding nightmare.
I’m responsible for these things:
I never told him I loved him enough. I rarely said it, even when making love. When I did say it, I felt pressed, even though I did truly love him. To me, the space and energy that we shared was more than necessary testament of my love for him. He bought me cards, I read them and either threw them away or shoved them in my top drawer and never said thank you. He wrote me elaborate letters which I took to mean that he was being juvenile and in them overexaggerating what I meant to him. When he suggested that I write to him, I doodled on notebook paper, until I didn’t have time to write anything. In our third year together, he had made such a great deal about me not reciprocating, that I took to calling him on his lunch breaks, and smoke breaks. I would start the conversation the same every time: “Hey baby, I love you. How’s work?” I felt like a complete moron. He knew it, too, so eventually we agreed that I wouldn’t call him at work anymore. I could not be comfortable sitting with him on the sofa to watch television. I do not like television, and so there was no compromise. He eventually moved a television out to the garage and stayed out there for most of his time at home. Gift giving was embarrasing. He’d give me gifts, I’d tell him to go buy whatever he wanted for himself. Once, for Christmas, I gave him a shower caddy, a few pairs of socks, and detailed his car (as a result, I put a tiny scratch on it, so his dad had to buff it out. I felt terrible, and never washed the car again).
I was an NPR fanatic, and it got in the way of our conversations. He’d be talking about our failing relationship, and I’d remark with whatever the top news story was on the air that day. He’d want to talk about it more, or there were times I ignored his wanting to have sex, and instead talked him into playing Scrabble and drinking coffee with me. When he would scream at me about how selfish I was being, I would stand there until he struck a chord with me, then I would scream back at him. Usually senseless ranting, other times, I higlighted that he was a needlessly starving emotional parasite. The times I called him a maladjusted misanthrope, or miscreant didn’t help, either. Sometimes he screamed at me until I became violent. Sometimes I left the house, only to come back to a weirder version of the situation I left. Towards the end, I was to blame for most of the drama. I had gone off the chi-zain. I had absolutely lost all sense of balance. Even mowing the grass seemed pointless and brought me no sense of peace.
This is going on longer than I expected. The point that I was wanting to make is that there is no great race to be like NT’s. It’s an illusion. Insanity is the result of trying to be someone you’re not. If what you are doing and the way that you are living is peaceful, then let it go. ‘Good things’ come and go. Enjoy them while they last.
And to Suzan: Your being an alcoholic is an unfair situation for anyone, including yourself. In reading what you wrote, I get a sense that through this relationship, you are building up the next ‘reason’ for your ‘addiction’ to alcohol. You are enabling yourself by creating ’stress and drama’ for yourself.
To answer your question, and this is from my experience, love is constant. All of the Disneyland expectations in your head are clouding reality for yourself and everyone around you. There will not be enough that any man(or person, because obviously you’ve blamed your son before, too) can do to convince you otherwise.
You are fascilitating the trauma and drama. Stop playing the victim. Stop finding a reason for your inadequacies in everyone around you. Take full responsibility for your actions. Be the giant, and kick self-loathing to the curb.
You wrote “I’ve spent my life running from relationships. I do love him. I don’t want to put myself if harms way emotionally, though. I’ve done a lot of work to get healthy. Where my vices are concerned – I will always have to watch stress and drama levels in my life. Am I taking on too much? Will it always be trauma and drama. Can it just level out and be somewhat calm.”
Verbatum from any day time soap opera…
“I’ve done a lot of work to get healthy.” Are you sure about that? What about doing some letting go?
“Am I taking on too much?” Designing the scapegoat… .
“Will it always be trauma and drama.” I don’t know Suzan, will it?
“Can it just level out and be somewhat calm.” You’re really asking yourself this question. This can only be answered by you. It was already calm somewhere, with someone else, until you came along and demanded more than they could give to you. It was already leveled, just not to your liking. Your fondness for perpetuating a perpetrator/ victim scenario in which you get to blame your partner for your emotional turmoil has to cease. Remember, this is not a judgement call, it is necessary. You are crying out here to be identified as the one who is suffering, and seeking resolve, so heed what I am writing. You are actually crying out as the perpetrator, only you don’t think anyone can see that. You are begging to be revealed. I see you Suzan, and unfortunately I don’t feel sorry for you. Welcome to tact.
You’re the one that stirred the waters. You’re going to have to find solace in mundanity.
One other thing that I forgot to mention in the prior post…
(Once again, not meant to sound harsh, only trying to help my fellow aspergers men out there)…
Gentlemen, women love to play games and many do not tell the truth…this also includes the women that are good people. This could be due to a number of reasons (by the way, all of what I am about to mention are not good things, they are awful things that unfortunately many go through) due to health, emotional, psychological, mental, or a variety of other reasons.
How do I know if the man I am dating has Autism/Aspergers or if he is just being nasty and cynical or hiding something? Sometimes he says the most inappropriate things, while other times he’s so devoted to things that really don’t matter.
Most people just think he lacks social skills but I find he hurts my feelings time after time. He already told me he doesn’t do things to make people like him, and I guess that includes taking me out once in a while — he’s obsessed with money and too cheap to even buy me a beer! It’s very embarrassing.
I’m writing about my son Matthew. He is 23 years old and was diagnosed with asbergers when he was in 3rd grade. He is highley functional in that he holds a full time job. He still lives at home, but now that he has moved into adault years we feel lost. He wants indipendance and although he has been successful in many areas he is having troubles finding someone special to share his time with. He has posted ads on myspace and facebook and has gone on several dates. The problem is that he seems to have no selectivity in who he dates. The girls seem nice and all but as for being the type of girl that he is physically attracted to or socially and spiritually compatable with he has missed the boat. He seems to be un able to weed out the ones which would obviously be wrong for him in these areas. He just wants a relationship and we are worried that because he is such a sweet mannered young man and trusting in every way he may be taken advantage of. Any and all advice would be welcomed.
Jeff,
As a older man living with AS I can certainly relate to this (from years ago) with regard to what you are mentioning about your son.
This is a tough one…but I would like to help in any way that I can. Let me make a few comments and then if you like we could certainly have a separate conversation via email (if this would be helpful please let me know)…
Simply put, the dating world isn’t made for our folks, but we have to find our ‘own way to make it work’…its the truth – let’s face it, its rough out there. One doesn’t simply find the right person overnight.
All of our folks have specific interests and hobbies. What are some of his interests and hobbies? You might be able to use some of your son’s interests and tune this toward finding a social group of some sort. An example (I’m not saying that this is his interest, just a scenario)…if he likes music, you could always see if interning at a radio station could be a possibility.
I also work in human services (not to overembellish), as we know – you as a parent, myself as a working professional, something like this is not going to be an IDEA covered service as the federal mandate only goes through 21 (in some states with exceptions slightly beyond 21 – Michigan an interesting example). Getting back to comment, this is something that is going to be a family, community, and personal connection as well on your son’s part…And that might not be easy at first as most of our folks have been bullied and teased while growing up and even throughout college as well.
Does he have friends who aren’t on the Spectrum? I know that this is a bit of an out there question. However, if he does socializing and spending time with his NT peer might be beneficial and a helpful learning experience as he learns more in navigating the dating world. Ideally, this should also be someone you are comfortable with.
A few comments I made from an earlier post that hold a lot of truth that many fellow Spectrumite men aren’t aware of (these are things that I’ve learned throughout the course of my life)…
If a woman you are dating, emailing with, talking with on the phone exhibits any of the following traits be very cautious (and quite frankly, avoid her altogether)…
1) if she asks too much about your job, what you do, specific details in regard to your work, precise details in regard to everything…you know what question is coming next – how much money do you make? this is a prototypical sign of a gold-digger (in plain language, a woman who only cares about money, herself, and no one else). a good woman who has a good heart, mind, and soul would not be too overly inquisitive about only your job (however, the gold digger on the other hand only cares about money – and could care less about you)
2) if a woman is leading you on (let’s say, she asks you to meet her for a drink or coffee and doesn’t show and this happens several times in a row)…this is a red flag that she is a tease (note: many men living with aspergers are not aware of this sort of thing) – AVOID
3) if a woman wants to meet you on a first date with ‘her friends’, it means that she is insecure and unstable with the type of person that she truly is – don’t bother even considering it – just avoid altogether
4) if a woman is traveling with several of her friends in a ‘pack’, all dressed up, showing too much – she is bad news…a good person would never do such a thing.
Jeff, at the same time he is also going to have to learn from experiences. Having said that, he needs to feel comfortable in maintaining an open line of communication with you as you are his father. Is he comfortable in talking with you about his personal life? I hope he is…this would be a wonderful thing, as you and he should be able to discuss these matters openly and you as his father (and perhaps your wife as well)would be able to explain some themes in clearer detail.
Quite frequently young men on the Spectrum receive a shattered vision of what the perfect woman might be…usually this connotates into one of the media figures from today’s world. Men who are not on the Spectrum (those who are NT), although enamored by one of these celebrities, will know this is not an every day person (reality)and the figmentation will eventually go away…The thing is that with quite a few men on the Spectrum (and I feel comfortable in saying this as a man living with AS) is that most Spectrum men (and quite a few of us on the Spectrum happen to be men)…have trouble in realizing that the model, actress on the television and in the movies is not a real person and in so a lot of Spectrum men will encounter a woman like this at some point in their lives, become immediately attracted to the person yet fail to realize that she is not a real person…she is most likely (not to stereotype, b/c we shouldn’t do this) one who will use and in some way abuse the AS/HFA spectrum man.
An example of this (not to sound too drastic)…He doesn’t want to meet a girl for drinks who looks like an actress. What’s to say that she isn’t just going to take him for all of his money? (This has unfortunately happened to many friends I have who also live with AS and HFA). He wants to see what’s going to happen with the girl who works in the library or at the college…A real person for a real relationship.
I hope some of this has been helpful. Feel free to drop me a line, rw30007@aol.com
RW
Hello All,
After reading through some of the earlier posts two topics came to my mind…one is for ladies who might be dating a man on the Spectum (any possible diganosis – we aren’t going to make this specific to only Aspergers) and the other topic is love…
I’m going to comment on both as an adult male living with Aspergers.
Its not easy living with a Spectrum diagnosis. The individual is a little different on the inside (and that’s okay, you should always be proud of who you are). Ladies, if you think the man you are dating might be on the Spectrum consider if he has any of the following character traits:
-Heightened sensitivity to light, sound, environment, sensory adaptations, motor skills, etc.
-Social/Communication skills – are they a little off? does he have the tendency to forget the little things? does he have trouble expressing himself or does he have trouble speaking at times? does he get withdrawn and at times retreat, and in so you might not hear from him for periods of time?
If any of the things that I just listed above happen to be applicable for the one you are dating – you are right…He is most likely living with a Spectrum diagnosis (it could be Aspergers, autism, PDD, or a combination – dual diagnosis) and is unaware of it having gone undiagnosed throughout life.
Ladies, it is important to remember a few additional things about men on the Spectrum (as there are quite a few of us)…The social strata wasn’t there for a number of us when we were young as kids, adolescents, etc. Many Spectrum men catch up on things later down the line in their lives and have to learn about love, feelings, and emotions. Bear in mind that if he is having trouble expressing his emotions it is most likely because he never had anyone in his life to teach him about these things. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about you – he just has trouble expressing and showing these emotions. When he might try to express these emotions the words coming out might not even be indicative at that moment (it might be something absurd and outlandish – a little offbeat), but bear in mind that the wiring in his brain is a little bit different and in so his thinking, sensory perception, thought processes, and aptitudes are different as well.
It is important to be supportive and patient (I’m not saying its going to be easy). If he has a family member that you have previously met and that you feel comfortable talking with, this is a very good idea. It is also good to find a support group…if not for him, then perhaps for you in order to further navigate things and guide him to more effective means of self expression in the relationship. Ultimately, if he is undiagnosed a formal diagnosis is going to be beneficial as this will help him start on the path of self enlightenment (for one to know there inner self, a wonderful thing)…this is a very good thing but he has to be ready for this.
However, if you feel that the relationship is too overbearing for you personally you might want to consider thinking about everything from your own personal vantagepoint. Its not easy to understand at times, but I can say this ladies…a neurotypical man who is an aggresssive narcissist would easily want to hurt you because its in his nature (its the truth, I see this sort of thing happen every day), the man on the Spectrum (although a little different and a bit complex at times) would never do this.
The other thing that I wanted to mention is love (this isn’t specific to men, for everyone – and you can certainly disagree with me but I say this as a romantic)…love does exist.
The world of dating (or as it can be referred to, rather sarcastically the world of lying). People get hurt, feelings obliterated, and a lot of bad things just happen (its not all happiness – the movies are make believe, it doesn’t really pan out like that in real life most of the time).
What I would like to do is give a visual description to all who do not live with any type of autism spectrum disorder as to what it feels like for a man who lives with an ASD diagnosis after he has gotten hurt (as a man I can only speak from the male perspective, but I would certainly think that a similar feeling could be said for ladies on the Spectrum)…
Imagine depression magnified by 1000 (I’m talking unbelievably severe), mixed in with sensory, environmental, communication and social miscues (all of these traits vary depending upon the individual)…and now add in a deep sadness. Sounds pretty serious doesn’t it? Pretty graphic, huh? This is what those of us on the Spectrum feel like after we’ve been hurt by a neurotypical (NT – that is someone who isn’t on the Spectrum), and the irony is that we (the individual on the Spectrum) actually thought the other person actually cared…when in reality they could have cared less.
There is no direct answer to any of this, but I do believe that in sticking together (support circles such as this) that it is very helpful to share and be there for one another.
RW
From the viewpoint of an adult that lives with Aspergers I wanted to explain one key thing that many neurotypicals are not aware of as it pertains to the dating world (I am saying this from a man’s point of view, but this could pertain to both men and women on the Spectrum)…
All of us who live with a Spectrum diagnosis (in slightly different ways) process our thoughts and think a little differently…Likewise, dating is a game of deceit, lies, and deception, right? You can disagree with me if you like – However, I’ve been around a long time and only speak from truth and honesty in a very candid way. Try to understand that the individual living with the Spectrum diagnosis is an honest, sweet, kind, caring person…most people who date (I’m talking about people who don’t live with a diagnosis) like to play games and live with shattered hearts of dishonesty…This is turn, in the world of dating makes the individual on the Spectrum very susceptible of getting emotionally, psychologically, and mentally injured…And if you know anything about Spectrum diagnoses, well let’s just say that when we hurt we really hurt (folks this is something you will not know about unless you live with it).
What is the message of this post? Okay, here we go. If you find yourself in love with a man or woman on the Spectrum realize that its going to be a little different. At times you will have to work on the relationship in slightly different ways. In turn it will be beneficial to learn about the Autism Spectrum from a source or individual that is credible and insightful so that you can have a better understanding of autism and ASD. Bear one final thought in mind…you might also find the love of your life.