Your Thoughts Requested: Social Skills, Autism, and the Playground
Imagine a very ordinary situation (one I see occur between my two kids all the time). One child starts doing something fairly innocuous - say, singing loudly - which annoys the other child (who happens to be autistic). This interaction occurs:
Typical child: "la la la la!"At this point, my child with autism bursts into tears - a fairly inappropriate action for an 11 year old boy. I've seen other kids with Asperger syndrome and similar disorders do exactly the same thing - even when they're more than capable of conversation and really good academic work in the classroom.Child with autism: "stop that, you're bothering me!"
Typical child: "la la la la!"
Child with autism: "STOP IT!!"
Typical child: "la la la la!"
So... I've tried to come up with some ideas for my son. The truth is, I can't think of a single idea that actually meets the need. He is truly annoyed, and the other child is not listening to him. But the reality is that no one is trying to hurt or upset him (or maybe they are, but just a little bit, not in a malicious way or in a manner that goes beyond ordinary friend-to-friend teasing).
I really don't want him to run away, cry, tattle, or get into a wrestling match - since none of these choices are acceptable either to us or to typical peers. Ideally, I'd love him to be able to get a little silly, saying "You are driving me NUTS! If you do that again I'm going to turn into a SQUIRREL!" and just diffuse the situation with humor. But how do you teach that?? How do you explain how much silliness is funny and how much is weird? And - most importantly, how do you teach your child to distinguish good-natured teasing from bullying, and to react appropriately?
What are your thoughts? Please do share - and, if you would, let me know which (if any) social skills groups, therapists, books, videos, etc. have worked well for you and your child.
Comments
There’s not much you can do.
-It may be that the singing child is testing and/or tormenting the AS child’s hearing.
-It may be that the sounds themselves are grating to the AS child.
-It may be that the inconsiderate behavior of the singing child tests the polite sensibilities of the AS child.
-It may be that the proximity of the singing child to the AS child AND the singing is overloading the AS child’s senses whereas proximity alone or singing alone would not have an effect on the AS child at all.
-It may be that this singing, which would otherwise go ignored by the AS child, is the “last straw” on a day when things were going poorly for the AS child.
-It may be that, if the singing child is overtly and intentionally trying to torment the AS child, the AS child is reacting to this “teasing” or “bullying” as any other child would.
As an advocate, my sugesstion to teachers and playground supervisors is to pay close attention to WHY something is happening and not just to WHAT is happening.
Kids get clued in to who is different and who is like them in short order, and they tend to tease and bully those who are different. They may tease or bully alone, or they may form groups, and (alone or cooperatively) they usually find a way to tease or bully directly under the noses of those who supervise them.
I personally do not see any problem with trying to educate other youngsters about their behavior toward those with AS.
If we reserve parking spaces for handicapped people, we should have no problem arranging our behaviors so as not to infringe on the sensory input of people with AS.
There is one other solution to the problem that I can think of, and that would be to remove the AS child from the situation. This may seem an extreme solution, BUT if the singing child is modeling socially inappropriate behavior, and if one of our goals is to teach AS people CORRECT social behavior, it would be best to remove the AS person from that setting.
Still, such a worst case solution punishes the AS child, and not the one who is behaving inappropriately.
I have a granson with Autism.His paernts and three other couples started a school in Northern Calif(Oak Hill School).My granson,now 14,is a different person from what he was.Also my son has started a business call Animated Speech with a process(Timo) whicj is a language learning and education for children with autism.My son and his wife have done wonders with and for my grandson and the other kids and parents of Oak Hill School.
I did a lot of searching for a real answer to help my son who’s dx is NLD and has problems “reading” the meaning of social situations. One site I found that appealed to him was http://www.bullies2buddies.com/
It gives kids who have been bullied practical solutions other than tattling, hitting, or screaming. The solutions given on the web site work but it is difficult for younger kids.
My son, who is 10 was suspended twice last school year for losing his temper, so we had to do something because the school administration always put the blame on him.
Also, we have tried rehearsing some witty comments. In the case of the singing, I’d tell him to say to the other child, “You have a great voice. You should join the choir or are you in the choir?.” It would be difficult for the other child to be angry because he or she just received a compliment.
Though I wouldn’t expect kids who tease to become friends with him, really wouldn’t ask him to be friends with kids who get their kicks out of making others miserable. Hope this helps.
I have NO answers as this happens with the 8 yr. old child with autism and his 5 year old brother. I’ve often wondered how it would be had the younger brother actually been the older and could comprehend easier why it is not okay to taunt a child with autism.
I was diagnosed with autism at age 3 and enrolled in a regular public school as a regular pupil. A loner, I never had any interest in making friends or playing with the other kids, but endured some of the worst teasing because I was overweight, clumsy at games, immature and odd.
Like many autistic kids who went to regular schools, I was ostracized by classmates. But it didn’t stop there. Kids of all ages made fun of me, as did kids living on my street and elsewhere in the neighborhood. I couldn’t even run an errand without a bunch of kids calling me a mental case or step outside the door without a neighbor’s kid asking, “Why did you ugly thing have to come outside?” My parents forced me to go to regular day camps and other activities, where kids picked on me the way they did in school. I couldn’t even feel safe at home because my normal sister and her friends made fun of me.
The sad fact was I had no one to stick up for me or give me guidance needed to function in regular group settings. All I got was punishment both at home and at school for failing to succeed at the activities and make friends.
Marla Comm
Montreal, Canada
I have boy/girl 4 year old twins. My son is autistic and my daughter is typically developing. My son is non- verbal, but we have similar situations. I am convinced my daughter takes things away from him or picks a fight just so he will interact with her. We work with her to encourage her to find more productive ways to interact with him.
It may be that the sounds from the typical child are actually painful for your autistic child. Their sensory intake is different than ours and what would be “nothing” for a typical person, can be torture for the autistic individual. Maybe try teaching the other child special consideration to the situation. If this is not possible, then would it be possible for your child to go to another area away from the noise? Michelle cannot take that either-the singing, squeely voices, etc. of the younger children. Since she’s in a wheelchair, she can’t get away, so we either ask the child to stop, ask the parents to please have them stop, or move to another location away. Or we put her headphones on.
You teach that with behavior modification, and it can be taught rather swiftly using REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy.) Our kids take everything quite literally and also have LFT (Low Frustration Tolerance.) They don’t want to be feeling what they are feeling when they are crying, nor do they wish to feel so different. They know that they are. You can speak with an REBT therapist, find one locally, via http://www.rebt.org . Your child will be given exercises and you will both learn the ABCs of behavior…your child will learn that he can change peoples reactions by controlling his own actions through very simple yet structured social exercise. The structure of behavior modification appeals to children with Autism/Aspergers. those with higher function within the spectrum. I am more than happy to share an article I have which was given to me by a therapist years ago regarding LFT (Low Frustration Tolerance.) With patience and the correct tools, correct and, more importantly, more comfortable lifestyles can be taught to all children.
My son is much younger than yours, 4 years old, but has a boy in playgroup who seems to purposefully find things that will upset my son, so that when my son says “stop that” he does it MORE. To me that is bullying and there is NO social gain by putting up with that behavior so I have told my son to just WALK AWAY or say “I won’t play with you if you do that any more”. And being a bully, even when my son tries THAT approach, the other kid will try to prevent my son from walking away so that I have to intervene and get between them so my son can escape the situation. The mom of the bully is equally dismayed at not knowing how to stop her son from acting as he does. But I tell my son, if he is not being nice, then go play with someone who IS being nice.
Since your 11 yesr old is verbal, he is going to have to deal with it, just like other kids do, sooner or later. Teach him to say “You are bothering me!” or “Please be quiet!” which may be the whole point of the other child’s behavior. What do we do when our kids act up and we don’t want to reinforce it? We ignore it, or walk away, or say “we’ll talk when you are calm”. Teach your child to do the same. He can say “I don’t like that noise… I’m outta here” and go to another room. If the other child follows to harrass, then that needs to get dealt with. My 10 year old son has limited language, and can be very controlling about other sounds and noises, and people singing. Tonight his Dad was making some comments when he was watching a movie, and he got mad, and yelled “No, stop that”. I taught him to say “Please be quiet”, which just having the words to deal with a situation helps him. The we had to work on saying things in a nice voice versus mean voice. When we go to movies, I have earplugs in my purse he can have which have made all the difference in him being able to go into a theatre. Maybe teach your child to go put earplugs in when sounds are bothering him. My son now will ask for his, when he needs them. Either way it’s all about having control. (and not just for ASD kids!) jennifer
We’ve addressed inappropriate behavior similar to your son’s by creating social stories (Carol Gray has written a number of books on the subject.)
http://www.thegraycenter.org for more info
Some of the social stories we’ve written for our son are “Dinner Time” (tolerating new foods and objectionable food on the table), “My Angry Feelings Book” and “My Day At School”. I take digital pictures and create a story for him explaining appropriate behavior and WHY his reaction(s) might be construed as inappropriate. Good Luck!
Education is the only answer regardless of what methods you expose the child to.
Sympathy and attention on your part are required.
There is an excellent article in the August 20, 2007 New Yorker Magazine entitled, “Parallel Play”.
I have spoken to my son’s class at the beginning of the year from first grade on. He’s starting 4th grade this year.
I explain autism and tell them thinks about my son they never see at school.
I used a physical metaphor, saying that it is like being born with one hand and two hearts. Everyone can tell your hand is missing even if you have a cosmetic prosthesis, but only someone who pays enough attention or gets close enough will know about the two hearts. Even then there is the chance that the autistic will be ridiculed for both even if he can run longer than anyone else or can climb Mt. Everest without bottled oxygen.
Communicate with the teachers and support them. They are so important.
My son has a state-financed personal aide, a special ed teacher, a speech therapist, a music teacher, and others. Meet them all.
Try to remember your own childhood. Autistic kids don’t come out of the woodwork.
What a good topic and one that I am sure affects so many families. I know some organizations offer group therapy that helps kids learn social cues that come naturally to the rest us. Here’s a link to a column I wrote about one such group
http://savannahnow.com/node/349795
I’d be very interested in seeing (and, with permission and credit publishing) some of the Social Stories that you’ve created an/or found helpful. I’m aware of Social Stories – my son’s social skills therapist used them in school, too. But those that I’ve seen seem to require an awful lot of predictability! (When we get to Grandma’s, X will happen…) I’ve never seen a social story that addresses subtle differences or multiple possible outcomes very effectively!
What I find problemmatic about rote skill training for social interaction is that, while kids with autism can quickly learn routines, most social interactions are NOT routine once the basic greetings are completed. I’ve seen kids (including my own) go through the initial handshakes and say “I’m just fine, how are you?” beautifully – and then stand like stone or walk away as soon as the little routine is completed.
We’ve also tried social skills groups – but again the set ups were very artificial. The coach would set up a game (in which only some kids were interested) and then create situations in which sharing and teamwork were required. Most of the kids could learn the rules created by the social skills coaches – but few could generalize outside the very controlled situations.
Lisa
I agree with previous poster that learning to remove oneself from the situation can be very useful.
Our son (almost 6) has a “quiet place” that he created on his own and we have latched onto the idea. It’s just a little toy crib (very lightweight: plastic & cloth) that was originally for his baby sister’s dolls. My son fits inside it (barely) and takes his blanket and covers himself. The result is a little coccoon to create his own space. It is quite emotionally restorative. We took this along with us to a family reunion (often very stressful and too much audio input) and he used it once at teh very beginning. For the remaining 36 hours, he did not need it anymore.
I realize your son is 11 and the toy crib is probably not acceptable. The point I’m making is that it can be very helpful to help them find appropriate coping mechanisms (or support the ones they come up with) since they cannot always stop every thing that bothers them. But they do have control over their own reactions and responses.
Two more comments:
1) My son’s baby sister has been a gift from heaven for him because she is very assertive in wanting to play and engaging him. She also adores him. She also argues with him. She also wrestles with him. She also annoys him. He enjoys the interaction.
2) I really liked the poster’s message about going to speak to the school class and the metaphor of one hand and two hearts. What a beautiful way to make the kids (and adults) think!
Remind him that he’s not inferior and that the AS brain has benefits. Help him play to and grow his natural strengths.
I feel we have Manual transmission brains vs. automatic. We simply need to some education up front to get out of first gear and how to switch gears. And, yes, sometimes it’s a pain to drive stick, but there are benefits.
I read an article that said that AS children don’t necessarily miss the social cues, but rather realize that there are multiple interpretations and aren’t sure which is which. This is a good thing in the right hands. Some argue most genius had/have it.
Don’t dumb things down for him. I coped as a young child by thinking in “inputs and outputs;” figuring out the scenarios, listening to the inflictions in someone’s voice or the context of the situation.
Not everyone is a bully; he will find real friends. I did in high school. Smaller grades are hard, because the classes can be small and are full of the same kids from the previous year.
I like the way I think. It helps me excel at school and work. Don’t make him fail in life by trying to be “normal.”
That said, I can’t stand hearing people eat. I tell myself not to get mad or feel they way I feel, because people have the right to eat and aren’t doing anything wrong. But, it doesn’t stop the sounds from wrenching my insides and making me want to cry in frustration. I wish I could be normal, but I’m not so I don’t try.
Teach him to be himself (explain what that means) and to talk often about what’s he’s thinking and why.
But this could all be the INTJ in me. That could explain why it was easier for me to do these things.
Hi there,my name is Beth Giani, and I was diagnosed with autism at age 3 as well. I am high functioning, kind of like Raymond in the movie Rain Man.
I am studying music and South African Sign Language at university, and I am enjoying it, even though it’s very hard for me to make friends.
In high school, I didn’t tell anyone about my autism because I was scared they would tease me; they would call horrible names. I once took a chair and threw it at them because they wouldn’t leave me alone.
I still have problems with wanting to hurt myself, especially when I’m angry, because I can’t express myself properly. I also have trouble with looking people in the eye, especially when I meet them for the first time.
I’ve learned to accept myself with this condition, and that it’s okay with me to have this condition. Otherwise I wouldn’t be me.
What intrigued me about your post was that I could imagine the exact opposite event occuring in my home. Our autistic son would be saying: “la la la” and our typical son would say “enough already”
I maintain that the rules must apply for all children in the home.
We started a “goog thing-bad thing” report at the dinner table. Every child aired their thoughts for the day, 1 good, 1 bad. Even if the autistic child has little language, they might gain from listening. (Given that our child became verbal, I have no premise to give an opinion on non-verbal intervention) It is at the dinner table where issues can be raised about who did what to whom, and how to trouble shoot for the next time .Engage all family members for the debate. It takes the onus off the parent as the tie breaker.
my son is 8. his interpretation of the intentions on the play ground are very different than what they actually are. a lot of the play ground is parallel play and not actual peer interaction. this is one area intervention really is needed, an unstructured social event.
this is not going to be too helpful. but here goes. my son cant see beyond himself for starters and I am expected to make his ‘world’ right, of course in his eyes. my son does annoying things all day long only he doesn’t see it that way. I remind him when someone is annoying him and he asks him to stop, and the kid doesn’t, this is what HE does at home and else where, too. I remind him things are hard for him, and they may be for other kids too who don’t have autism (maybe they have something else? how am I to know?)
educating peers is a great thing, but hopefully all my talking to my child and educating HIM, as well, will sink in one day. I cant be there 100 percent of the time making his world right, nor can he make the world (and peers) what he expects them to do and be. my son doesn’t understand that when he asks please, they don’t stop, as if please really is a magic word
I also wanted to say that I have annoyed my child since he was 4 years old with RDI (relationship development intervention, of which they have books for teens too) I purposely blew up balloons and popped them “see, after all that screaming, you’re still in one piece”. I chanted myself, and when he asked for me to stop, I didn’t to show examples to him the other end and how I’m not really hurt when he chants, and neither was he when I did. yes it is annoying, but you live though it. my son has a big thing about people singing, and who doesn’t just start to hum a tune or sing? how do you stop another kid or person from singing? you cant. so I sing a lot too and we live through that.
exercises can be done at home, to example the skills needed. parents can easily role play social situations.
I agree with the people who are pointing out that the person with autism can’t just expect everyone to do what he wants. Typically developing children often sing or hum to themselves on a playground — this isn’t meant to annoy the person with autism — they are merely enjoying themselves. To expect them to stop isn’t really fair in such an environment. Usually kids aren’t trying to bully someone else just because they don’t drop everything and do whatever the person with autism wants — especially when it’s just singing or something of the sort.
My son Jalen would get upset everything my son Logan would laugh about something funny on a TV show or something someone said. I wasn’t about to tell Logan he could never laugh around Jalen. (He already has had to accommodate his life in many ways for him — and this was not a reasonable accommodation.) He used to get very angry with him and sometimes even rush at him. So I started removing Jalen — because he was the one being inappropriate. This behavior is a lot better now.
Sometimes the other person does need to do the accommodating. For instance, my husband used to have a habit of yelling loudly when something happened on TV in a ballgame. This was so loud and sudden I thought it was reasonable for my husband to train himself not to yell like that for Jalen’s sake.
While it’s fair to make some accommodations for people with sensory issues, etc. — this has to be give and take. We have decided which things we should avoid for Jalen’s comfort — and which things he has to learn to ignore, accommodate himself, or learn to go to a different location.
I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that another child is a bully or has some kind of problem just because he or she is just singing. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they became resentful if expected to always please the kid with autism.
Cynthia
Hi-
You’ve received such great comments so far–I’ll just add that Carol Gray, of Social Stories fame, recommends a book called The Friendship Factor by a Dr. Rubin, I believe. In this book, bullying is discussed and stresses the importance of each child having at least one good, trust-worthy friend as the best protection against bullying. If you are perceived as a loner, or unliked by others, you become a target for bullying. It would seem, then, that we as parents and teachers should work very hard to help our kids with disabilities learn how to make a friend and be a friend.
I would also agree with earlier posts that suggested that the child without the disability needs to be educated on how his behavior effects a child with autism. I feel strongly that we often ask our kids with autism, who have the biggest challenges, to make the greatest
accomodations. They are often expected to ignore behavior, sights, smells, textures etc… that truly are offensive and impossible to ignore. Let’s call our typical kids to a higher standard, at the same time giving our kids with autism the communication tools to express their thoughts and feelings, and then showing them respect by actually hearing them and making whatever changes we can to support them.
Thanks-
Shannon Johnson
PS-
I would also like to invite you, Lisa Jo, and all your readers to http://www.foggyrock.com–a community for families and caregivers of individuals with autism.
Hi! I have a son who is autistic ,he is 14 years old , he is verbal but has a hard time making friends I think most of the kids do not want a friendship with someone like my son and that hurts me a lot because he is a very sweet kid and he loves his 7 year old sister and she loves him, I think sometimes the little one takes care of the big one .
He has been bullied a lot since elementary they torn out his jackets or throw at him stones but now he is going to highschool and I am a little bit worry because I know that everything is more different than elementary and middle school, he got into some trouble this last school year in middle school he hit a boy on the nose and made him bleed when they call me from the office and told me that.,
I could not believe it because he has never being aggressive or hit anyone before when I got ther he was crying and I was crying when I asked him why he did that?? he couldn’t explain why at first, but then we both calmed down and he explain that the other boy try to trip him on purpose but the teachers did not believe my son, he got three days suspension, but then later I found out that the other boy did admit to one of the teachers of trying to hurt my son, I knew then that my son was only trying to defend him self but he could not explain to us why and what really happened,and the other thing I did not liked is that the teacher were talking in front of my son about that if the other boy’s family would put charges or called the police
I think my son heard the word POLICE and that scare him and made him cried when I got there he was crying and would not even looked at me or talked to me at all. I got scared ! I think this was a careless situation on behalf of the teachers talking about that in front of my son who could not understand very well what was going on.,
He is doing fine right know I talked to him and explain that fighting or hurting someone is not the answer ,but I do not know how to explain that it is ok to deffend himself .
I thank God that he can talk to me and even sometimes he gives me a big hug and sometimes he says he loves me and I love him to very much.
I recall a child in my daughter’s class that had this same problem. The teachers would allow the child to stay in the classroom for 3 minutes and remove the child. Then build up to more minutes until the child was able to tolerate the pitch of the different songs that the other children were singing. Eventually, your (AS) child is going to have to be desensitized. My daughter who is turning 4 years tommorrow (Autistic) had a problem with different types of sounds and we had to gradually introduce her to the different sounds low, medium, and loud until she was able to tolerate any tone of a hair dryer, motorized equipment or vaccuum cleaner. It does take a lot of patience but it is best that you conquer this problem at home before your child has a meltdown in public. (Not that you should care about what other people think). Currently my daughter can tolerate any mechanial sound that she is faced indoors or outdoors. So once again, try to coach your child into coping with his brother singing by maybe having them sing together and maybe they both can take turns singing their favorite songs to each other. The quicker you deal with it the better everyone will be in your household.
This is for Gloria : ) and everyone else too,
My son is 14 and was finally diagnosed with Asperger’s last year. He was constantly picked on and bullied from fifth grade on. I can’t tell you how many times I met with the teachers and principals! Everytime the phone would ring while my son was in school I would cringe and actually start praying that it wasn’t the school calling. He was tested for ADD/ADHD in fifth grade and the result was 50/50. Half his teachers thought he was ADD/ADDHD and the other half strongly thought he wasn’t! His “symptons” were totally out of alignment with ADD/ADHD. His self esteem was so low that he threatened suicide (in fifth grade!). I took him to a therapist and things got a little better. He developed a friendship with one classmate (note – if you can encourage just one friendship for your child, it does wonders for self esteem and overall improvement of life in general). We kept bumping along. I kept reiterating to him if he was being picked on or bullied he was to tell the teacher, tell the principal etc. The problem lay in the fact that he couldn’t recognise when a problem was developing with the result being that by the time he did recognize it, the problem had escalated to crisis proportions and chaos would ensue with “he said/she said” “and then I hit him cause I was so mad” results. Sound familiar? (I won’t even go into how hard it is trying to figure out from an Aspie point of view, what actually happened – Columbo, the great detective himself, would have been stumped sometimes!)
All through this I had been pulling my hair out because I knew something was off with my son, I just didn’t know what. After searching and searching the internet I discovered Asperger’s and knew I had found the answer. It was quite a shock as I never had thought of autism. The autism I was familiar with was the classic Kanners type so I never thought to explore further within this spectrum (and now I know it is a spectrum). I had my son tested, put him in therapy (again) but this time with a medical group that specializes in autism. His therapist is a wonder. I love her (and he does too – although when he first went to her, he wouldn’t speak to her!) She not only works with him on his self esteem but helps him with social clues and strategies. On the school end, once his diagnosis became clear, his school has worked to create a safe environment for him. Allowances are made in the classroom – his teachers now understand that his talking to himself, making noise, fixating on a pencil or water bottle, etc. – are all part and parcel of his stress relievers and NOT teenage rebellion. The transition to high school has been smooth (so far) and the school psychologist keeps an eye out for him and has made sure that he has mentors from the upper grades too!
I sincerely hope that things improve for your child Gloria. I have noticed that the teasing and bullying levelled off by the end of eigth grade as the kids themselves matured. I am hoping this trend continues!
And along the lines of the subject at hand….I tried the sense of humor approach. The problem was my son didn’t fully understand humor at the time…humor can be just as complicated as social interactions too.
I agree with everyone that has recommended social stories. Modeling scenarios help a lot but don’t get discouraged by having to repeat, repeat, repeat! From my experience with my son, he will make a huge leap in progress, stall for a while (repeat, repeat, repeat) and then leap again. Also emotional maturity helps. My son lags behind his peers in this regard (which is why he can be so great with the younger kids) but he eventually catches up.
Hope this helps some!
I just returned from the RDI convention in San Diego. I am a RDI Consultant-it. I was so very amazed when we met as a group with the parents who had been clients of RDI for 6 mos to 3 years. The parents were the ones that were so happy, they shared success stories similar to the situation you have described. I suggest you read the book My Baby Can Dance Stories of Autism, Asperger’s Success through the Relationship Development Intervention Program RDI by