A Sad Story Points to the Need for Autism Resources - Please Share Resources You Recommend
A Morton pathologist accused of suffocating her autistic daughter described how she placed a garbage bag over the 3-year-old's head in a videotaped statement shown at a hearing to suppress evidence in the case.This type of story makes it overwhelmingly obvious that we, as a society, have a long way to go toward providing the type of support needed for children and parents coping with autism. Over the next few weeks, I plan to write several articles about resources available to members of the autism community. Can you recommend a terrific resource, website or organization that provides real, person-to-person support, funding or programming? Please share!Karen McCarron, 38, has pleaded not guilty to two counts of first-degree murder, two counts of obstructing justice and one count of concealment of a homicidal death in the 2006 death of her daughter Katherine.
In the approximately 60-minute statement taped May 15, 2006, two days after the alleged killing, Karen McCarron says she had 'wanted a life without autism.'
'Autism left me hollow,' she says in the statement taped at the OSF Saint Francis Medical Center in Peoria. McCarron was being treated for an attempted overdose of an over-the-counter medication.
'It seems that everything I tried to do didn't help her. She was a tough nut to crack,' McCarron says of her daughter on the tape, which was played Tuesday in Tazewell County Circuit Court. 'I didn't know what to do. She was not learning at a rate I would expect.'
Comments
Lisa—I just wanted to note that the McCarron family was very supportive of Katie. Her paternal grandparents and her father lived with her in North Carolina where she attended a private autism school, while Karen McCarron was in Illinois with a younger daughter. The McCarron grandparents were very generous with resources of all sorts. After Katie’s death on May 13, 2006, Michael McCarron noted this of his granddaughter: She was beautiful, precious, and happy.
There are a lot of facts to this case that I read back when this happened. The father and his mother had this child in another state for about a year for an intensive program and had recently returned home to Karen McCarron and their other child. I believe they had only been back about 3 weeks at the time of the death. I myself thinks this relates more with a families choices and dealing with the absence of a spouse along with the financial burden of that choice, not so much that there was a lack of resources available to this mom. truly, the ones who was experiencing the stresses of daily life with a child with autism was the husband and his mother, for a year. I am really sorry, I know life is hard. But before you reach that ‘point’, pick up the phone, walk away…… regardless there was other choices than death. I’m not sure if there was any such resource given that would have prevented this outcome for this particular person. I am not just yet willing to believe lack of services was why this happened. My opinion is I think it was a combination of many, many things. Parents need to know who live in other area’s where services are not so great, that we can still make it through the days with a child with autism.
As for resources, no one is going to knock on our doors and tell us where they are and what they are. We need to look for them. I believe the best resource is other parents. Services are great but it’s parent’s living the same life we are that really can make a difference for our own healthy well-being. The second thing out of the mouth of that evaluator who just said your child has autism, should be a “find a support group” and a packet of resources and support groups (this site and autism link are wonderful sites for this) no parent should be left without this, not knowing the metal state of that parent and how depression and grief factors into all area’s of life. I myself have been to one school district support group and it was a joke. My husband and I went to a long seminar at the Autism Society. Other than that, I have found and offered support that’s 24/7 online. It is amazing the feeling of not alone when you join an online support group. It’s also amazing the amount of resources found in that manner. we as an autism community not only need to promote awareness and gain services,
but we must promote how we find each other.
Just imagine that from the moment a child is labeled as disabled is the mother that is judged and criticized. Was she careful during pregnancy?, Is she mentally stable to take care of a child?, Is she strong enough to guide a child to recovery?.
Society perhaps segregates the mother. Private schools, Agencies, Districts, all this entities force the mother to drop her 6 month old child in hands of teachers, teacher’s aids, paraprofessionals, physical therapists, occupational therapists, speech therapists, play-therapy professionals, etc.
When a “Mother” became nothing but a failure?
As a parent of a child, now 10, who is severely affected with autism, who lives in a state with a fairly low level of supports and resources, and have done many of the things that most of us have had to as a consequence that such a diagnosis brings to a family…I have to say,
At 3 no one can tell on an individual basis where these kids are going—but I have learned not to short-change and second-guess my child.
Have I had days where I have regretted the diagnosis or wondered what life might be like if things had been a little different–yes.
Have I had days where I thought about killing my child? NO, no, and no.
My kid is a great kid who presents and has significant challenges but through a lot of teaching, work and a lot of taking stock by us, is a fully included, loved and contributing member of our family.
I have known people who have had worse circumstances than I and have multiple children with autism or difficult home situations and yet work and advocate for their children. Those people are my heroes because they make lemonade from lemons, accept where they are at but work hard to take and support their children wherever they may end up.
I’m sorry, but this is not about Karen McCarron and what she might have wanted. This is about Katie McCarron and that her life was cut short because one parent could not see the positive possibilities and may have had unrealistic and impatient expectations. If Karen had problems adjusting or coping, there are professional counselors and psychologists to help families and parents through just these kinds of issues.
Maybe more local resources might have helped, and certainly those are welcomed and of help, but I don’t believe that this incident is fundamentally about that.
I find this incident rather disturbing and I don’t believe it is about services but about a mother’s inability to accept the fact that her child was not the child she had dreamed of having. We all go through a difficult time when our dreams for our children crumble. Then we transition to the time period where we are certain that we will fight for our child and supply her with the needed services and then she will be recovered and we will be super hero mom who did it. And then most of us face the reality that our autistic child’s progress is very, very slow and at the present rate they probably will remain severely affected and then comes the critical time—learning to love and accept the child just as they are, learning to relax and enjoy them autism and all. The acceptance and love needs to be so deep that no matter whether they progress or regress we will stick by them and love them through it all and value them for the unique child that they are. They give us a wise and wonderful perspective to life—they show us the things that really count etc. I hope I am not being too critical but there is a difference between looking for services for your child because you are determined to make them into a different person, versus seeking services because of the value that you place on your child and the love and commitment you have to them to be their mom, best friend, and helper even though they don’t climb the ladder very far. I’m mom to a precious 5 yr. old autistic son who is nonverbal. He might not know very much but he does know that he is part of a happy, caring family who love him autism and all and that is the most important service we can provide for him and it doesn’t cost in $$$$$$$. We do see to it that he does get other educational services but try to make our decisions about services with everybody in the whole family in mind. Sure there is some sacrifices and sure it would be wonderful to have a life without autism but then that wasn’t my choice or his so may as well make the most of it and enjoy the unique experience. Hubby has already joked that we should offer services for cleaning up fece smeared autistic children and homes. He’s the pro at cleaning up the child and I’m the pro at removing traces of the poo on beds, furniture, carpets, shoes, walls etc. LOL
This Mother clearly has her own issues. I never like to be citical of another parent of an autistic child because we all deal with significant challenges but this is appalling particularily given the age of the child. This was just plain selfish. Martha – you did put a smile on my face with the feces smearing. Our son is 10 and we have finally got over that stage (after many a night of cleaning,painting & eventually pulling up Carpets)Word of advice: put hard wood down as the poo cleans up much easier.
This is not about lack of services for autistic children. It is about a family who paid little attention to this woman and did NOTHING to protect her daughter. You cannot tell me that no one around her knew that this woman was a PSYCHOPATH!
I work part-time at a local chapter of our state’s autism society. We are a non-profit, running on donations. We provide information and support to nine counties (we really need more chapters, but that takes people with time and initiative, and it’s a big job). The three of us on staff all have children (two are adults now) on the Spectrum – basically, we’re just parents trying to get info out to other parents. I’m concerned about some of the people who call us for help. One woman in particular sounds like she could be another situation like this McCarron case. We’re not a service provider – we offer speakers, support groups, a recourse book of service providers we know about, we have a library that members can borrow from, we do a newsletter, things like that. However, this poor woman keeps calling and expecting me to DO SOMETHING about her son, and I don’t know how to even answer her any more. She’s tapped all the resources: doctors, schools, the county… She’s given me the phone numbers of her son’s doctors, his school, and various relatives. I have absolutely no legal right to call any of these places and it would be a violation of privacy law, even if there was something I could do. She doesn’t want to put him his foster care, yet she has called the police on him several times when he’s gotten violent. He’s 13 years old! It’s frustrating, because basically this woman and the rest of her small family just simply are not up to the task of parenting this child. After several conversations with her, I believe he’d be better off in foster care, and I wonder if and when her son will be taken away from her before something really terrible happens. I also could BE her – any of us could!!! It’s truly frightening.
I have to say, i was getting pretty discouraged just thinking about the topic of this post — about how many people appear to believe that in some way the mom was the victim in the case, and that if a family isn’t receiving enough “services” then getting rid of an autistic child is somehow an understandable consequence.
So i just want to say thank you to Martha for her wise and beautiful post, and also to Regan and Kristina (who runs a wonderful blog) for their great perspectives. And also to people like Julie who work so hard at what they do.
You’ve renewed my faith that there are people out there who believe in ideas like acceptance and the intrinsic worth of autistic people. And as the dad of a child with autism, i just want to say that you all make the world a better place.
Why are so many of your commenters misunderstanding the comments about compassion for the mother that killed her daughter? The compassionate part is to not respond to the mother with violent wishes, i.e., the mother should have a bag put over her head & killed, and, the mother should get repaid in prison by other prisoners. Ect. Compassion meaning that we don’t treat the mother the way the mother treated her child, as the way some of the other commenters suggested. Also, it’s not so much that the mother wasn’t supported enough – it’s just that all the commenters should volunteer time helping to inform & support families with an autistic child instead of judging so violently. The couple that made the sweet comment about helping other families clean feces smeared walls, well, it is not as easy to be lighthearted about it if you are doing it til your child is 18 or older because that could very well happen. I think that a lot of parents with young autistics have so much hope that their child will be cured that they cannot even fathom what it might be like when their child is older. There’s so much riding on early intensive treatment, there are many reasons why this is such a rare cure. As for the commenter that suggests for the mother of a violent 13yr to be put in foster care, well, they don’t take violent autistics in foster care. I feel so much pain for the mother that keeps calling the one commenter for help. You say she might be another case like the mother who killed, well, round up some friends, help with cleaning, shopping, a shoulder to cry on, something.
Veronica,
Please tell us where in ANY of these comments anyone has expressed any “violent wishes” against the mother that are even remotely close to the ones you describe.
Also, if you read Martha’s and others’ comments more closely, you’ll see that the idea of acceptance they’re discussing has to do precisely the idea of NOT expecting some miracle cure to come along.
Here’s what Martha said, for example:
“And then most of us face the reality that our autistic child’s progress is very, very slow and at the present rate they probably will remain severely affected and then comes the critical time—learning to love and accept the child just as they are, learning to relax and enjoy them autism and all. The acceptance and love needs to be so deep that no matter whether they progress or regress we will stick by them and love them through it all and value them for the unique child that they are.”
That doesn’t sound like an expectation for a cure to me. It sounds like love for the child who IS, not the one who might have been (or might still be) wished for.
Easy to say — I WISH I could “round up some friends” to help this woman! I also have a child with autism, and it’s been tough to get friends and family to understand MY difficulties, so I think talking people into going to someone’s house they’ve never met to help with her violent 13-year-old would be a tall order. I DO consider myself a ’shoulder to cry on’ already, and that’s part of my job.
I would be happy to support and be a resource for you for your upcoming articles.
Unfortunately, I have been in the hospital since June 1st and hope at some point this week to be released. I would like to talk or correspond via email and help you along.
Kimberly Maddox
Executive Director
Autism Society of Illinois
2200 S Main Street, Suite 205
Lombard, IL 60148
(630) 691-1270 ofc
(630) 523-3616 cell phone
kmaddox@autismillinois.org
I would first like to say that I find it rather sad that a mother thinks that this would be the only alternative for her child with Autism. I have a three year old daughter who is Autistic and she is the highlight of my life. I can not imagine life without her. She has her moments when her schedule changes or not being able to communicate what she wants but I know that she you will be able to tell me what she wants one day. I feel that we all have Autisic behavior and none of us are perfect. My daughter is a happy, loving and compassionate little girl and she will continue to make progress because I stay involved in all of her ABA, SP, OT AND PT session. In order for these children to make progress the parent has to be involved in the sessions to enforce what is being done during those sessions. I have learned that I have to do whatever the therapist do to help her. The more I reinforce what is being done during those sessions the more progress my daughter makes.It has been extremely difficult for me financially but my daughter is worth every penny that I am not receiving because I have chosen to dedicate my time and energy to help her. I feel that the time that I put into her now will benefit US in the future. A foundation is being paved for her now and she will build from it as she gets older. One thing I know for a fact is that my daughter is a blessing from God and she needs me to be strong for her. She feeds off of my strength and shows me that she appreciates my effort by giving me hugs that she wasn’t giving me before. She kisses me out of the blue without any prompting. (something she did not do before) I have learned to never to put anything past her. God has blessed me with a child that is Austistic and I have to believe that her being here is the reason why are exist. I was born to be her mother and maybe my purpose in life is to be an advocate for children with special needs. All I know is that I love her no matter what and every obstacles that she may have to encounter in life I will be there to help her overcome them, together. So, to all the parents with children that are Austistic remember that these children were given to you for a reason and although it seems a bit harsh and overwhelming at times they are our children and they will one day become production citizens. You have to remember that our lives have already been written out for us and our children may not be considered “normal” but I ask you, WHO IS? These children are little angels that were sent here to teach us all a lesson and unfornately that mother who killed her child will never have the opportunity to learn what her daughter had to offer her. Sincerely,
A Mother who is proud of all her Autistic daughter’s accomplishments no matter how small.
Hi,
Our organization is the University of Miami Nova Southeastern University Center for Autism and Related Disabilites. We are a non-profit organization dedicated to optimizing the potential of people with autism, dual sensory impairment and related disabilities. We offer parent education, support & information groups. For individuals and families that live in the South Florida area, we are able to provide individual consultation.
Although most of our resources are in the state of Florida, we also keep a national list of organizations that can be of help to families. Our website (www.umcard.org) also has a nice list of resources and links to other organizations throughout the country.
In addition, I would recommend the Childnett.tv website that is funded by the Dan Marino Foundation. Many of our lectures and parent trainings are posted there as well as inspirational stories from families and the latest information on therapies and research. The videos are available to families 24 hours a day, seven days a week at no charge.
I am also the mom to a child with autism and can understand the range of emotions that a parent can feel. I am happy to share my experience to guide and assist other parents in anyway possible.
Carol Nigro
Resource Specialist
UM NSU CARD
Dan Marino Center Branch Office
2900 South Commerce Parkway
Weston, FL 33331
cnigro@psy.miami.edu