Autistic Behavior vs Misbehavior

How can you tell whether poor behavior is the result of autistic traits or if it's ordinary naughtiness common among all kids? It's not always easy to distinguish between "autistic" behaviors and the more neurotypical "misbehavior."

Many of the common behaviors seen in autistic children might be deemed problems in other kids. For example:

• Autistic kids may screech or yell when overwhelmed or frustrated.
• Some autistic children bolt from the room, hit others, or even injure themselves when upset.
• Autistic children may not look directly at a person when speaking.
• Autistic kids may rock, flick, or pace when they are expected to sit still.
• Autistic children may be self-absorbed and inattentive to events or emotions around them.
• In school, autistic children may overreact or underreact to others' requests or needs (for example, pushing other children in line or ignoring requests to move or to hurry).

Difficulty Responding to Kindness

Autistic children may also have a tough time managing their responses to adult or peer kindness. The following examples may sound familiar for parents of autistic children:

• Grandparent comes to visit. They see their autistic grandchild, open their arms, and ask for a big hug. The grandchild runs in the opposite direction at top speed. Grandparent follows them and gives them that hug, only to be rewarded with a kick in the shins.
• Grandparent gives their autistic grandchild a gift, and their grandchild says, at an age when they should know better, "I don't like this! I wanted a ___!"
• A peer from school agrees to a play date and finds themselves ignored for several hours while the autistic child plays alone. Or the guest may spend two hours being told, "Don't touch that!"

All of these behaviors can lead to hurt or even angry feelings. Yet all can be autistic traits, and, in most cases, result from sensory, communication, or behavioral challenges that are common for autistic people.

Distinguishing Autism From Misbehaving

Autistic behaviors are usually the result of a few very specific types of challenges. Because every autistic person is unique, the challenges will look different for each child but they exist, at some level, in anyone correctly diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

Sensory Challenges

Autistic people are almost always likely to either overreact or underreact to sound, light, smells, and touch. The child who runs away from a grandparent may actually be responding to the smell of their perfume. The child who hates hugs may dislike the sensation of being squeezed but actually feel affection toward the person doing the hugging.

Sensory challenges may also be the reasons behind "misbehavior" when in a crowded or loud auditorium or squeezed between people when standing in a line. How can you tell when sensory issues are causing a problem? Take these steps:

• Ask. If the child is verbal, they may be perfectly capable of explaining behaviors if asked.
• Watch. If a child is covering their ears while bolting from the room, it's reasonable to assume that something about the sound in the room is causing a problem.
• Keep tabs on behaviors. If a child is usually able to handle, for example, a worship service, but on one occasion becomes loud or runs out of the room, it's fairly apparent that something specific has occurred to cause the behavior. But if the behavior is consistent, there may be an ongoing sensory challenge in the environment.

Social Communication Challenges

Autistic people have a tough time with social communication at one level or another. It can be difficult or even impossible to read others' emotions, or it may be very difficult to avoid overreacting to others' feelings. It can be very tough to watch and imitate others' behaviors.

The fact that others are sitting still and being quiet may not register for an autistic child. What are the signs that a child is having difficulties with social communication?

Notice the child's intent. Difficulties with social communication can make it hard for an autistic child to tell when their actions may be hurtful. Walking away out of boredom or a desire to do something different may look mean-spirited, but there's a very good chance that the child doesn't recognize how their behaviors are likely to affect others.

Remember that an autistic child has developmental delays. A neurotypical 12-year-old should be able to graciously thank a grandparent for a gift they do not really want. A typical 8-year-old may not be able to handle the situation as well. Autistic children often appear immature for their age; an autistic teenager may behave like a much younger child.

Be aware of how instruction is provided. A teacher says a child is misbehaving at recess by pushing in line or taking extra-long turns on the swings. But autistic children, because they rarely learn through imitation, need direct instruction on behavioral expectations.

Did the teacher actually tell the child about the rules of recess play? Did they provide visual supports and social stories? If not, how is the child expected to know the rules?

Behavioral Challenges

Autistic behaviors are usually self-evident because they are generally quite different from neurotypical behaviors. As a result, a caregiver should be able to tell at a glance whether they're seeing misbehavior or traits of autism. Here's what to look for:

• Self-stimulation (stimming): Many autistic people use physical behaviors such as rocking, pacing, flicking fingers, and humming to calm themselves and stay focused. When you see such behaviors, you can be almost certain that they are not a form of misbehavior.
• Lack of eye contact: For many autistic people, eye contact can be difficult if not impossible, particularly during a conversation. While it is possible to teach an autistic person to maintain eye contact, lack of it is not a form of misbehavior.
• Self-abuse: In some cases, particularly (but not exclusively) for autistic people with high support needs, self-abuse is common. Banging their head, picking at skin, and other behaviors are not intentional though they can be harmful and should be managed.
• Lack of focus or attention: Autistic people may find it easy to focus on one thing, but tough to focus on others. Often, they are paying attention without appearing to do so. Sometimes, they are not able to pay attention because they are having a tough time following rapid speech or abstract ideas. Very rarely are they intentionally ignoring the speaker.
• Noise-making or bolting: Autistic kids can make noise or leave the room just to be annoying, but it's highly likely that they are doing so for other reasons. They may be screeching, humming, or chattering to calm themselves or bolting from the room to get away from a disturbing situation. As a guardian, you will usually be able to tell the difference.

Addressing Autistic Behaviors

So you've determined that a child's behaviors are not misbehaviors but are, instead, expressions of autistic traits. Now what?

You can, of course, do nothing. And in some cases, that's perfectly reasonable. Why shouldn't an autistic child rock, flick, or pace? If they're hurting no one and creating no problems for themselves, why bother them?

Sometimes autistic traits, while they are not intentional, can cause significant issues. They can cause embarrassment, both for the child and their guardian. They can create hurt or even angry feelings or lead to a child being ostracized or excluded from an important group, activity, or setting.

What can you do about that? You can take action on many different levels, depending upon the importance of the situation, a child's abilities and challenges, and your philosophy. Below is a list of options.

Provide Direct Instruction

If a child is able to respond to and act on direct instruction, provide it! Use words, video, modeling, practice (rehearsal), and social stories to teach the child how to behave in church or at a concert; how to respond politely to grandparents; or how to interact at a birthday party.

While these may not come naturally to an autistic child, in many cases, instruction and repetition can be the keys to success.

Remediate Challenges

A grandparent's strong perfume or cologne is causing their grandchild to run away, so the best choice is to say, "Hey, please don't wear that perfume. It is unpleasant for your grandchild." Similarly, you can make life more comfortable by:

• Not squeezing an autistic child who dislikes hugs
• Changing fluorescent lights if they cause a problem
• Turning down the sound level on the TV

You can ask for similar accommodations in school, though getting them in an inclusive setting can be more challenging.

Choose Settings and Situations With Care

If an autistic child hates loud movies, don't go to loud movies. Alternatively, a pair of noise-blocking headphones may make the sound level more comfortable. Consider going to autism-friendly events or selecting instructors who better understand autistic kids.

Grow a Thicker Skin

The safety and comfort of your child is more important than anyone's embarrassment, including your own. Guardians of autistic kids are occasionally likely to experience situations that draw more attention to them. Best bet? Grow thicker skin and seek counseling to ensure emotions are managed in healthy ways.

Change the Situation Completely

In some circumstances, a child's school, home, activity choices, or location may need to change.

This may sound like an extreme response, but if the child's school is unable to serve their needs; neighbors are intolerant; or if preferred activities are simply impossible for an autistic child, a guardian may need to consider options such as a private school, a different neighborhood, or a change in routines.

Addressing Real Misbehavior

No capable guardian would punish a child for age-appropriate behavior. Babies cry. Two-year-olds struggle with toilet training. Tweens need help managing their time.

On the other hand, no capable guardian would make it easy and acceptable for their child to lie, hit, hurt others' feelings, or behave in ways that are damaging to themselves or others. And while it does make sense to modify expectations and change situations based on the individual, everyone needs—and deserves—both structure and limits.

Without these tools, it is almost impossible to build self-discipline, a skill that is absolutely essential to independence, resilience, success, and self-confidence. As with any other child, the responsibilities of guardians are to:

• Set and communicate limits and expectations. Hurting people (physically or emotionally) is not acceptable. Neither is lying or acting out when someone can control themselves. Everyone needs to know their limits and expectations. Autistic children may need to learn about those limits very directly, through instruction, visual tools, and social stories.
• Recognize misbehavior. You know the child in your care, so most of the time, you will know whether they intentionally lie, ignore instructions, or hurt others. 
• Respond quickly and clearly. If you catch an autistic child misbehaving, you will need to be extremely clear about the issue, be able to communicate why it is wrong, and how you feel about it. Sarcasm, the cold shoulder, or other techniques may be misunderstood or ignored altogether.
• Provide meaningful, consistent consequences. In the best of all worlds, a child's misbehavior will cause its own negative consequences (deliberately dumping cereal on the floor means no cereal for breakfast). Consequences that are meaningful to a child, like no TV allowed, can be very effective.
• Offer support for improving behavior. Some children respond well to earned rewards for good behavior (eat breakfast properly for a week, and I'll make your favorite meal on Sunday). Autistic children often need immediate reinforcement for a job well done; that can be in the form of a small treat, high fives, or just a big smile.
• Notice and respond to good behavior. It's important to be responsive when a child behaves well and be very specific about what is good about their actions. For example, "Honey, you did a great job sharing your toy with your friend."