6 Things to Avoid When Raising an Autistic Child

These parenting styles should be avoided

You may hear parenting suggestions for what not to do with an autistic child. No two autistic children are the same, and you will come to learn what works best for you and them.

As you do, you may want to consider if you might need to modify your parenting style or natural preferences to meet your child's needs. You may, for example, engage in so-called "helicopter parenting," hands-off parenting, and permissive parenting with the best of intentions. But these and other parenting styles may end up making things more challenging.

Learn more about six parenting styles and why they may not be helpful when raising an autistic child. Aside from making day-to-day living a bit easier, choosing the right method can encourage your autistic child in a way that helps them to develop strengths and abilities.

Child cute little girl and mother holding hand together
Sasiistock / istockphoto

Helicopter Parenting

Helicopter parents hover over their children, watching and reacting to their every move. They leap in to help when a problem appears on the horizon, they intervene to smooth every path, and they insist on special treatment for their kids.

Helicopter parenting is less than ideal for any child, as it makes independence and self-determination especially difficult to achieve.

Parents or guardians of autistic children are prone to helicopter parenting because they worry that their autistic child will run into problems they can't resolve on their own—and, of course, that's perfectly possible.

But if helicopter parenting stunts the development of neurotypical children, imagine what it does for autistic children. Unable to learn by observation and example, autistic children must learn through direct instruction and by actually doing.

When you step in to do their work, you're denying your child the opportunity to understand what's needed, experience the challenge of trying, enjoy the thrill of success, or gain the knowledge developed through the process of failure.

Competitive Parenting

Any parent or guardian who's been part of a Mommy and Me group knows all about competitive parenting. Whose baby potty trained first? Said the first word? Is taking the most classes, learning to dance or sing, playing peewee soccer, or studying Chinese?

When you have an autistic child, it can be hard to avoid feeling that the child in your care is being left behind. But when you buy into competitive parenting, you are certain to develop a sense that the child in your care is not up to par and that you, as a parent, are probably to blame.

As you can imagine, the outcome is a feeling that neither you nor the child you are raising is good enough. The impact of such feelings on an autistic child may not be obvious, but they are real.

Hands-Off (Free-Range) Parenting

Some parents and guardians believe that their child should be allowed to follow their own pursuits and interests without parental interference. That works well for certain neurotypical children who are self-directed, self-motivated, and eager to interact with others. It's not, however, a very good choice for an autistic child.

While every child certainly needs and deserves "down" time, autistic children really do need regular, focused parental engagement. That's because, in most cases, autistic children need your help to actively learn to pretend, socialize, converse, ask questions, and investigate the world.

Without another person to help them build these critical skills, autistic children can become increasingly withdrawn and self-focused—and less capable or desirous of engaging in the wider world. They'll also have less opportunity to build on their strengths and achieve their own potential.

Perfectionist (Tiger) Parenting

Yes, some children thrive with parents who absolutely insist upon straight A's, top athletic performance, perfect grammar, and ideal table manners. Those children are unlikely to be autistic.

The reality is that autistic children, while they may have many strengths, may have a very tough time with many neurotypical childhood expectations. Their verbal skills may be compromised, so high grades and perfect grammar may not be achievable. They may have difficulty with physical coordination, making athletics particularly tough.

It's important to have high expectations for your autistic child. Make those expectations too high, though, and you and the child in your care are in for unhealthy levels of stress.

Permissive Parenting

As the parent of an autistic child, you may feel that they should have no expectations placed on them outside of school or therapy. After all, it's tough for autistic kids to function in school, and they deserve a break.

You may even feel it's unreasonable to ask the child in your care to complete household tasks, learn to calm themselves, or control their behavior. The unfortunate result of this kind of "do whatever you want" parenting teaches a child to learn habits and behaviors that will create serious problems down the line.

Autism does make some things more difficult, but in almost every case autistic children can do a great deal if they are asked and encouraged to do so. When you set the bar low or offer an autistic child too little discipline, you are actually making it more difficult for them to understand or live up to high expectations.

Understanding a child's challenges is one thing; assuming a child to be incompetent is something very different and harmful.

Frenetic Parenting

Since they woke up this morning, an autistic preschooler has had five hours of behavioral therapy, an hour apiece of speech and physical therapy, two hours of parent-guided play therapy, and four hours of school.

As soon as the child falls into an exhausted sleep, you jump on the Internet to find yet another therapeutic class, program, activity, or resource to add to the schedule. With so much going on, the autistic child in your care has no opportunity to practice what they have learned, to actually meet and get to know another child, or to simply do what children do—play.

Rather than frantically searching for and engaging in therapies and activities, consider the possibility that a few hours a day of calm, unfocused parent or guardian-and-child time might be just the thing a child needs to grow and thrive.

Summary

Parents or guardians of autistic children may feel they're under more pressure than most. Some parents or guardians may constantly be managing behavioral issues like autistic meltdowns, or a busy schedule filled with therapists, programs, and school activities.

Choosing the right parenting style for your autistic child will deliver benefits for both of you. It can help you avoid the overprotective patterns of helicopter parents or the drawbacks of a hands-off approach in permissive parenting.

Talk to your healthcare team about the best parenting techniques, or connect with family members, friends, and local organizations that provide services to families with autistic children.

3 Sources
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Srivastav D, Lal Mathur MN. Helicopter parenting and adolescent development: from the perspective of mental health. In: Benedetto L, Ingrassia M, eds. Parenting - Studies by an Ecocultural and Transactional Perspective. IntechOpen; 2021. doi:10.5772/intechopen.93155

  2. Crowell JA, Keluskar J, Gorecki A. Parenting behavior and the development of children with autism spectrum disorder. Comprehensive Psychiatry. 2019;90:21-29. doi:10.1016/j.comppsych.2018.11.007

  3. Catalano D, Holloway L, Mpofu E. Mental health interventions for parent carers of children with autistic spectrum disorder: practice guidelines from a critical interpretive synthesis (Cis) systematic review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. 2018;15(2):341. doi:10.3390/ijerph15020341

By Lisa Jo Rudy
Lisa Jo Rudy, MDiv, is a writer, advocate, author, and consultant specializing in the field of autism.