Autism and Divorce
Thursday May 18, 2006
When a couple divorces, it's always tough on their children. It can be even tougher when one of the children is autistic. Not only does the autistic child have a harder time understanding and managing the changes and emotional upheavals associated with divorce, but the parents must cope with even greater feelings of guilt and anxiety. Drs. Bob Naseef and Cindy Ariel, family therapists with a focus on special needs, offer insights and support.
Do you have a question about autism and family concerns? Drs. Naseef and Ariel are available to respond!
Comments
I have an 11yo asperger’s son that has been through lots over the past 6 years since the divorce. He keeps telling everyone he wants to live with his dysfunctional (drinks, poor parenting, and we belive to have Asperger’s himself (undiagnosed)) father and not me. His therapists agree it is because I am the structurer of his life.I take him to all the therapies. Make him do homework and clean up, home therapy, etc. Weekend Dad does not need to do any of it. His father welcomes the idea. I will have a good fight to keep my son but without his will, it will be a lost battle. How do I encourage his father to become a better parent of an Austic child? I hope to make my son see that both parents are equal and the weekend “disneyland” dad is just that.
Are there any stats on whether having an autistic child increased the incidence of divorce? My husband and I have not bonded as a family with our only child, and I am wondering if his ASD is one reason why. 3yo son reponds well to me primarily, and starting to repond to father as well, but the 3 of us trying to do something together is recipe for disaster.
question on any info pertaining to transitions of toddlers with divorce and overnights…my daughter is 3 and her father and i have been separated since she was 2. she has transition issues and has never slept overnight anywhere but with me. now custody has become a large issue and my husband is insisting she spend two-three consecutive nights with him, and the courts generally do not understand this issue as possibly an extremely traumatic event for my daughter. she loves her dad and sees him often, but the idea of throwing her into this new situation is overwhelming to me. i am concerned about the effect this will have on her consistency and overall “my world” picture. she is not verbal enough yet to let me know her feelings and this is also a concern…any similar cases with resolve would be helpful.
hi akdo
i am in the same predicament and to top it off the father was “zero” involved in our daughter’s daily and nightly caretaking. Now that we are not together he wants it all in one shot. I explained that things need to be done gradually and built so that he can have that type of typical visitation. But they refuse to hear it. The judge has asked for a report from her therapist and i’m hoping that will help. Maybe that will help you as well. Mediation is also better and i am also asking that they order us both to attend co-parenting classes/counseling prior to even discussing the issue. I would like anyone else’s thoughts on the matter as well.
I don’t see responses from the Drs. here, is this where we post?
I am the father of an 11 year autistic son. His mother ans I have been divorced since he was 3 years old. I have always tried to be apart of his life, but it has been very difficult to get as much time with my son as I would like due to his mother’s attitude about time with Dad. She approaches it as “you have to spend time with your Dad”, instead of “you get to spend time with your Dad”. Now, he is starting to not want to spend the night with me and only come during the day on my weekends. He says that his mother has told him that he doesn’t have too. Are there any studys about autistic children, divorce and being away from home? I would never do anything to hurt my son on purpose. If it’s better for him, I will back down on my feelings.
Thanks!
I need help/advise. My wife of 9 years has left me & our autistic 5 year old son. She has moved into an apartment 50 miles away & has left me to raise our son. She sees him every other weekend & that’s it! For selfish reasons I want her to see him more becuase a parent needs their sanity & time alone when you have an autistic child. I’m 45 & my wife is 38. I love my son very much but I’m confused & scared. I don’t know if I can do this. I really need to talk to someone!
Kenny,
Kenny,
I feel for you. My wife and I are having marital difficulties and I can understand your fear. I am afraid that she’ll leave me to care for our kids including our 11 year old aggressive autistic son. I think it is very tempting to bail out and run away–this autism is very hard to cope with.
Not much advice–just empathy.
My partner is divorced and has an autistic teenager who I have as yet to meet. How can I best help both of them? What should I do or not do? It is difficult enough to meet a child who has gone through a difficult divorce; I have no idea what I can do to best help things and not make the child feel even more scared or anger them.
I feel a great deal of sympathies for the Dad’s dealing with this alone even though I’m entering the opposite situation. I had a cousin whose wife left after 10 years due to a daughter’s seizure disorder. The daughter is 18 now and a mess - blames herself for the divorce. The ex-wife is also a mess, being irrisponsible and blaming her daughter for all her problems. Those of us, male & female, who stick around, dig in, and give our kids what they need are special people. I get to include myself in that statement!
I don’t know the exact stats on divorce with an autistic child but think I read somewhere that it’s over 95%. I’m surprised me and my DH have made it this far!
We’ve been separated since losing everything in Katrina. He’s in one state and I’m in another, staying with relatives. The hidden blessing in Katrina was being able to get away from a guy who drinks too much and expresses anger very easily. He makes me feel bad about myself as a mom, a wife, and as a human being. Why would I want to stay?
Because of the kids. I don’t know which would be better - having divorced parents or an extremely dysfunctional family. I’m glad I found this discussion. This is a very difficult issue that so many people are lucky they don’t have to deal with. Plain old divorce is hard but throw an autistic child in there and it goes to hell real fast. Thanks for letting me vent!
My ex left for a girl he met in Everquest (EQ2). He left me with two sons-a 3 year-old with autism and a 2 year-old. I think I read somewhere that parents with special needs kids have more than an 80% chance of breaking up. Kids with autism fall into this special needs classification. I am fortunate that my kids live with me full-time. My ex is negligent with the kids and refuses to adapt to my autistic son’s needs. He tells me that he wants my autistic son to have a “normal” life and not so much structure. This makes absolutely no sense for my son, but my ex lives with his denial. No matter how smart people are, how tough they appear, nothing sets you up for life with a special needs kid.
My husband of 7 years has had a problem with depression for the last five. I’ve had difficulty just dealing with that, but add to it our autistic 3 year old. I have every reason to leave and he keeps suggesting I do, however, I love him despite it all and feel the importance of keeping our family together. This too shall come to pass - as they say? I have hope that my husband will get better, become a more active participant in our family (and our marriage!). I think it is important for each parent to do whatever they need to to be happy. My husband thinks it is without me - he doesn’t seem to function well when I’m around, and I would love a husband who was more religious. We have both stuck in this as long as we have because we feel the importance of keeping our family together - now we’re not sure. What does this mean for me?
Kenny, you need to find a good support group that understands all that your going though and that can help you get the information you need to help your son, also look into respite care in your area so you can have a break once in awhile … best wishes
Hi, My husband of 16 years has left. I have a 12 year old son with austism and a 10 year old daughter. My husband has not seen my children since the nasty split and my son is asking where his Daddy is! I really don’t know what to say to him as his father has always been a rock to him and always said in the past that he would be there. My husband has said that I must tell him, not him, but I don’t see it’s fair to try to explain to him that daddy isn’t coming home. How do I explain in a way that he can understand? I have read that some children get depressed and start becoming naughty. It is so near Christmas and I just want whats best for him, have you got any advice? Cheers……
I have a 3 year old diagnosed with PDD-NOS (with a possibility of Asperger). I have physical custody of my son. He stays with Dad every other weekend. My ex-husband now wants 50% physical custody so that the child can spend even more time at his home. I think the child is too young for such a change in schedule. How would this change affect my son seeing he is so young?
I have a 13 year old son with autism and am on the point of breaking up with my partner. My son’s father is more or less out of the picture, now living in Geneva and paying no maintenance, and I have a 2 year old daughter with my current partner. We have been together for 6 years, during which time he has rarely expressed affection to my son. Although he claims to love him, what I often see on his face when he interacts with my son is contempt and hostility. I have thrown him out before as a consequence of the way he treats my son, and although my son’s behaviour has lately become extremely challenging, so much so that I worry about the impact it will have on my daughter and on me coping alone, I think the best thing is to break permanently with my partner. He is sometimes rough with my son, but mainly it is the way he speaks to him that is unbearable, especially by contrast with the way he mollycoddles our daughter. My son, on the other hand, can be extremely manipulative and plays me and my partner off against one another. Although I don’t like not helping to present a united front to my son, when he has misbehaved, my partner’s reaction escalates so quickly that I end up taking my son’s side and thereby seeming to condone the bad behaviour to begin with. In terms of our own relationship outside of managing the behaviour of an autistic teenager, we basically don’t really relate to one another any more. I worry about what impact the break up would have on both children, but since we have tried every route, including him attending anger management, relate couples counselling, family therapy, etc, I am now at a loss as to how to proceed. Any advice much appreciated.
First off, Polly, dump the potentially dangerous dude. He will someday hurt your child — and you. He even has you labeling your boy “manipulative.” Ever think that your boy is manipulative so he can survive in the frightening household you’ve created? You should be the lioness protecting your son, not setting up your son for more hurt and potentially pain. I don’t care what you’re getting from this relationship, it’s not safe for your boy, who is your first priority. Take your girl and your boy and leave. Get an attorney and get child support for the girl.
This is the saddest blog I’ve ever read. I thought professionals were supposed to weigh in on these questions. After all, it’s tagged as a “guide” and Drs. Ariel and Naseef are supposed to respond. Hello? Any professionals out there who are willing to give free advice and not sell themselves by the hour or their book(s)? Really, from what I’ve been through with my 12-yr old w/ autism, I am jaded. Many quacks and professionals see us (parents w/ special needs kids) as cash cows who will throw money at any solution. We’re the ultimate victims, forever tethered to our children. And when spouses leave us, we’re twice victimized.
This blog should be taken down if it doesn’t fulfill its promise to offer guidance from professionals. And ask.com is making money from selling ads on it. Let’s hope the revenue is being donated to an autism organization. Hahaha. Not likely.
I have a 6 year old daughter with autism. My 4 year old has copied the behavior to the point that we can’t tell if he also has it. We also have another son that is 10 who has diabetes. Our forth child who is 12 has no issues. But we never give him any attention. Because my wife and I are not a couple. We are care takers. We live and expand all our energies on our children. It’s draining. I sometimes wish I had never been born. I feel immense guilt for the fact that I just can’t take anymore. I’ve lost my faith. I was a devout Catholic. Now I only curse God. The only reason I don’t blow my brains out is because there is nobody to take care of my children. Nobody understands. All my friends give me cheap platitudes. Most of my fellow church goers talk about trusting Jesus. While they live in wealth and have no family problems. It’s easy to trust God when you really don’t need to. I’m in my early 40s but I have no joy in my life.
Hello- I have a question, and I hope someone may be able to help me. My new husband and I are considering having children. He has two kids from a previous marriage. One of them has autism. Does anyone know what the chances are of he and I having an autistic child? Please help me!!
Well people - I must admit I wanted to harm myself after reading this blog. About 10 percent of you I would even bother knowing. I have read so much whining in my 40 years of life! My children are 15, 16 and 17 - I know, not the brightest gal! My oldest is 17 and was diagnosed late in life (8 yrs old) after 5 years of running around my state for answers! In addition, his pituitary gland crapped out on him and he quit growing at the age of 10! People do what you have to do!! Our kids are our future and alone, with a partner, whatever - DEAL WITH IT! I feel more of you need to get yourselves help so that you will be more productive with helping your child. There is NO cure, there is only HOPE, PRAYER, and MEDS - for YOU - not your kids! My son has been mainstreamed in public education, has a 3.2 GPA going into his senior year, has his first job as a stocker in a grocery store, and is a Louisiana State ranked distance swimmer. It has not been without it’s challenges, but if YOU let your kids down, what future can they have. I am 95% percent reponsible for having, paying and handling my kids and it is possible. These kids are very smart, have special talents, and are so darn funny - naturally. Yes the are naive and way too honest; but I wouldn’t have my Brennan any other way!! God Bless you all - especially Jr. - dude you CAN do it!
I have an 11 year old grandson with Austism. He does not speak but has made great strides. At about 5 he retreated to TV. His parents recently divorced (child was mother’s from 1st marriage) and the couple had 2 more children. The paretns take turns staying with children ex. 3 days on. 3 days off. The 11 year old has started acting very upset when his father comes. It has been obvious the father favors his biological children and just turns on the TV for the autistic son. This little boy has been through so much and has been a loving little person. The mother has tried to talk to the father but he will not listen and takes it as criticism. This is all so hard to watch! Any suggestions?
Thank you,
Elizabeth