Can We Really Teach "Social Skills?"
Then, they have conversations. About what they did this weekend, which malls they shopped at with their mothers, and how they felt when the Phillies won or lost. Sometimes they work on hand-shaking, direct eye contact, and conversational turn taking. This is common practice: I now have several books about social skills which include such skills as shaking hands with an opponent after a "good game" of tic tac toe.
OK, I understand the concept behind social skills instruction: our kids need to be actively taught how to engage in the world. And granted that the most basic techniques of human engagement -- brief eye contact, turn taking, smile exchange -- can be taught, either as behaviors or as true social greetings.
But how often has anyone ever seen a typical group of young boys sit down for a chat about the weekend, shake hands spontaneously, or courteously turn-take during a rehash of a ball game? Are we carefully teaching our children how to act like little adults -- and actually undermining the very thing we're trying to create: normalcy?
What are your thoughts about the practice of social skills instruction? Join the conversation!
Comments
When children on the Autism Spectrum recieve “social skills” training they learn a text book or similar senerio. They then follow that to the word. Any deviation causes social conflict and then confusion with that ASD child. It is so difficult to learn in the classroom. That is why it’s nice my 10 yo Asperger’s son has a TSS for the unstructured school lunch and recess. She is able to discuss real life situations as they happen or shortly after while he remembers exactly what was said and done therefore giving him the “real life” skills he needs to interact with the mainstreamed children. He also recieves social skills training in the classroom but what is nice is he is able to talk to other AS kids his age. Sort of a therapy group that understands him. I beleive they need both training in and out of the classroom.
Oh Boy, I think any introduction to interating in life is a great thing. My son is now 40 yrs. I am so grateful that I taught him to be manerly & how to act approperatly. He is still a work in progress. He works hard, is fairly independent, cooks, cleans, does his own laundry, shops for himself, knows what he likes & doesn’t like.
Linda, I’m glad to read your post! My sister is 38. I love her dearly and it has been hard to find others who experience this with adult family members. She sounds very much like your son.
As many individuals diagnosed with autism practice social skills as a rote expression of a learned repertoire…the more opportunities to learn different social skills both in and out of a classroom the more chances they have to “match” a situation with an appropriate response. In this case, practice most certainly makes perfect- sense, that is.
I have mixed feelings - many adults compliment me on my son’s manners, his ‘excuse me’s” or “I’m sorry”. But…. those DON’T help the social issues at school or with friends. I will continue to teach him ‘proper’ manners and work on how to react with peers. Maybe, someday, they will overlap to his advantage.
My daughter had 3 years of a social skills GROUP therapy beginning at age 14. She is Aspgerger’s, as was everyone else in the group, and all around the same age. It was led by a psychologist, although I think a trained SLP would have been OK. It made an AMAZING difference for her - but it took a while for any results to become obvious, as is the case with any psychological therapy. I jokingly say it’s more like brainwashing than training… what is the real difference, anyway?
Yes, formal “social skills” training for autistic kids tends to mean rote memorization of certain responses or behaviors, and is not as flexible as spontaneous adjustment to particular situations would be, but it’s better than no social skills at all. My 14 1/2 year-old autistic son has been going through puberty with a vengeance; he’s got the strength to be rather destructive if he gets really upset, and he needs all the stress management/coping skills we can teach him. Even if he’s a long way away from initiating polite chit-chat, knowing common greetings & courtesy phrases will make our son more pleasant for other people to be around, and will hopefully encourage outsiders to be more patient and understanding with him.
Friendships? He shows that he enjoys being around certain familiar people, and will greet them or request things from them — but boy/girl dating is just not something he’s shown any interest in at all yet (and truthfully, his NT twin brother isn’t terribly interested in it yet, either).
I am glad to read about success stories of adults with autism (like Linda and Kristin in preceding posts). My 13 year old daughter can display situation-appropriate social skills “when she feels like it” and is often quite pleasant and polite to clerks at the store, serving staff in a restaurant, etc. The big challenge is getting her to feel like doing it more often, i.e., at family gatherings, at school, and so on. We have tried to enroll her several times in autism social skills groups run by ASD-specializing psychologists, but usually, we can only get her to go to one or two meetings - she hates it, won’t participate, and has meltdowns about being there that get worse the more we press the issue of attending. We’ve tried twice now - once when she was 9, and again when she was 11. Sometimes I think we’re making figuring out social interaction a bigger, more unpleasant deal than it already is to her by pushing the issue. Also, she doesn’t really seem to be all that interested in having friends, and the whole concept of why we, as a society, follow some of these niceties is so abstract, anyway, that I don’t think she sees the value in it, and I don’t know how to “make” her see it. She plays with younger kids who follow her lead just fine, and she likes to play with older kids and adults who will be indulgent of her particular peculiarities (for example, by listening to her quote whichever Cartoon Network or Pokemon character is her current favorite) and that seems to be enough for her. She just really doesn’t seem to have any use or desire for interaction with the kids at school beyond what is necessary to get her goals accomplished. That may change as she gets older and her goals change (no interest in having a boyfriend yet, thank goodness!), and maybe we’ll try the social skills group thing again someday…
My issue with these groups is that they try to get individuals to assimulate, i.e. “act normal” in a group of kids who don’t/aren’t/can’t. I do not want to be controversial, but I must share that my daughter (12) has made great strides since I have begun to homeschool her and socialize her with “normal” kids. She goes to the roller rink and takes art classes. Neither activity is intensely conversational, but the difference in her is amazing. She couldn’t learn alot about being social in a special ed classroom of kids more challenged than herself.
I have to agree with Di. My 10 1/2 year old daughter is high functioning and has alwasy been the most functioning child in any of her social skills classes. It is very discouraging as there are always almost all boys in the classes and she needs the girl peer interaction. Thank God for Girl Scouts…….
I have been homeschooling my son Jalen for a year now, and he’s much calmer in social situations. There is a social skills summer group for kids with autism here, but its’ only for high functioning and Asperger’s kids. He is diagnosed also with mental retardation, and works academically at a k-1 grade level, and speaks almost as well as a 3-year-old. So social skills is kind of a different topic with kids this compromised. His improvement since he got out of the crazy environment of a special needs classroom is that he has less anxiety, not having to deal with the a bunch of other kids with serious problems in addition to his own issues. And this has had a great effect on other relationships. He’s much calmer when at the store, a party, events at the autism support and treatment organization I belong to, and when friends come over. He’s come a long way, and is much happier.
My 7 yo son gets social skills training 3 cycle days for 20 minutes each session. In these sessions they are being taught the principles of ’social thinking’ from Michelle Garcia Winner’s trainings… www.socialthinking.com
Her books, strategies and methods are wonderful and it is not about teaching them a remote skill. My son is learning and applying appropriate social skills regarding: eye contact, personal space, what others are thinking (and may have differnt thoughts than his), understanding and responding to body language & body language, how to appropriately switch topics in a conversation, keeping thoughs in your head and why we don’t always have to voice what we are feeling etc…
Our program is wonderful and we collaborate with different ideas that I may learn in my classes that I take as well. Social cognition is very important and every child should be participating in a ‘friendship club’.
thanks for the social website information Jackie - this discussion is very useful as I think it is one of the most critical and challenging things for our children who have Aspergers.
In regards to the question: “Are we carefully teaching our children how to act like little adults — and actually undermining the very thing we’re trying to create: normalcy?” Aren’t many of these “high functioning” children already acting like little adults as part of their disorder?
My stepson is 7 years old and has Aspergers. When I met him, he was just 3 years old, and I knew right away that he was not a “normal” child. Everyone around him, including his father, raved about how articulate and intelligent he was. I saw that he could say big words and give rote information regarding trains, but he could not carry on a conversation about anything except “Things That Go” and even then could only provide facts - no deeper understanding beyond the facts that had been provided. He had no skills to converse or play with my two sons or any other children. Regular social skills training was completely lost on him. He didn’t “get” the imaginary games other kids played, he didn’t know how to have a conversation without changing the topic to trains or blurting out a train fact that was completely unrelated to what the person had just said to him. He did not like jokes and sarcasm was a mystery to him. Teasing was not tolerated, and he did not seem to care that defecating in the front yard or masturbating in front of company was inappropriate (because it felt good to him, why would it bother anyone else?) I could go on and on about how his social skills were lacking, but to get to the point: He will never be “normal”, the way we all wish our children could be, therefore, we give him the tools to at least be appropriate in social situations. He now understands that there are rules for EVERYTHING. While most of us simply pick up those rules by socializing with peers and adults, he has to have every rule explained - many times. He needs to see how each rule relates to the next in order to care about why the rule should be followed. If he sees that he will be rewarded by following the rule (he will get to play with other children without them telling him to go away, he will be listened to, he will have a little more freedom…), then he is much more likely to learn the rule and use it correctly and appropriately the first time. He has learned through social skills therapy and our constant work with him how to maintain eye contact, address the person he is speaking to so that person knows to pay attention, say please, thank you, and excuse me, wait his turn in a conversation, and talk on a larger variety of subjects. He tries to make up jokes - but he still doesn’t get the concept of wordplay or knock-knocks. He is beginning to pick up on sarcasm and will ask “You’re teasing, right?” to clarify. Yes, he talks like a little adult. He is rehearsed and stiff in his interactions and still can’t completely relate to other boys, but he is able to play along at times. But I would much rather have him using memorized interactions and polite conduct than the meltdowns and behaviors that occur when he is not at our house. He is capable of managing his emotions and avoiding meltdowns because we stop them before they start. Crying and frustration are natural, but screaming, hitting, running away, biting, etc. are not acceptable, and we have made the boundaries very clear for him. I can’t say enough how important RULES are for him to be successful. He tests us all the time to ensure that the rules still stand. He is held accountable every time for breaking the rules, and he accepts it without much fuss. He can argue with a person, but not with the rules. He is so calm at our house, it is disturbing to see him with his mother and at school. He is a completely different child. I know that school and mom’s house are completely different environments from ours, which is why his behavior is so different. When we learned he was no longer spending any time is his classroom due to extreme behavioral issues, we arranged a conference with his teachers and shared our techniques with them. (They were warned by his mom that we are too strict and punitive - which is completely untrue - but we are diligent.) The school listened, took notes, and are now using the techniques we shared. They even suggested a write a book to help other parents! He is back in his classroom, doing his work, and having fewer meltdowns each week. The teachers had been afraid to tell him “NO” and had continued to offer rewards and special treats for “good behavior” - and his behavior only got worse. He began to insist on rewards from me if he “had a good day.” I explained to him (and later, his teachers) that he would not be rewarded for behavior that was expected of him all the time. I expect to him to never hurt others, destroy property, or scream to get his way. I expect him to follow the rules at all times, or there would be consequences for not following them (time out, lose a toy, no computer, etc.). I expect him to follow my instructions and ask for help when he needs it. The best rewards he gets for these things is knowing he is being a good citizen, staying out of trouble, and receiving positive attention. I also explained that rewards are for going beyond just following the rules - for helping out without being asked, for showing extra effort in being a friend, for staying on task even if the task is difficult. Most of those rewards are verbal or physical (hug, “Good job!”, big smile). His teachers are reporting wonderful results now, and wish mom would get on board as well. It would make her son’s life so much easier. I know she loves him, but giving in and not being consistent in boundaries and rules with him not only confuse him, but continue to reinforce the inappropriate behaviors we have worked so hard to combat. I know this is a long post, but if it helps anyone, I’m glad I wrote it. It has been a very long 4 years with this little boy, but I know that due to our diligence, he is growing into an appropriate member of society who will someday be able to live independently because he knows the rules and how to navigate them.
I do not really think those special autistic social skills classrooms are really helpful at all. What really helps is simply lovely your autistic child/ friend/ sister etc… And getting them to meet as many people. By naturally encouraging them to socialise with people who share their interests, they can appreciate proper social interaction and the wonderful joys with it. If they can not handle people, then let write out their ideas to their friends and people who they have an interest with. Expose them to as many different social situations as possible, parties, clubs, offices, libraries, cinemas, parks and you friends’ and their friends’ houses. Do it with love and patience, teach how to respond naturally to the people they encounter. Most importantly build up their self-esteem and try to forget their limitations. Years and years of this behaviour actually lessens their autistic tendency while at the same time allowing their own unique personality shine over their diagnosis. Remember they are human not biological specimens! Good luck!
“By naturally encouraging them to socialise with people who share their interests, they can appreciate proper social interaction and the wonderful joys with it.” Caroline.
I do wish that is was as simple as this. This is how children without this disability learn to enjoy social interactions and behave in socially appropriate ways. It rarely works for kids with Aspergers.
Some people with Asperger’s want social interaction and friedndships but others are not interested in these. If you suggest to one of these (disinterested)children that s/he might like to take part in a group activity or do something with someone else, they will often look at you with puzzlement and ask “Why?”. For many of these children “normal” social situations are something that we (as adults) thrust on them whether they like it or not.
Some childrn with Asperger’s DO want friends and social interactions but have no clues about how to approach others or interact with them. I have seen children hit others to gain their attention, grab another child in a head lock, throw away the other child’s lunch . . . . At some level, these children understand they need to gain the attention of the other child, but they have no clues on how to do so in an appropriate manner.
I remember the parents of one small boy saying he “loved to play” with other children - it turned out he would climb onto something high (eg, furniture) and jump on the other child/ren!
Whilst social skills instruction may create a rather artificial environment, it is infinitely preferable to have some skills in interacting with others than none (as many of the comments have already stated). Can we teach social skills in a way that is NOT stilted and rather “adult” in approach? I doubt it. For example, do we teach teenagers with Aspergers to approach others saying (something like) “Yo, Bro - what you motherf…..g doin” ?” (Something I hear regularly in the high school playground!)
If the teenager generalises this skill (which is the object of social skills classes) s/he may well use this greeting with a grandparent, the Minister or the Principal! I suggest this is not going to be acceptable in most situations outside his/her own age group!
I agree that the rather stilted and “mature” conversation skills are not ideal for making friends with your own age group. I just don’t know how to overcome this problem. After all, as one person said above “I knew right away that he was not a “normal” child” - it is not only patterns of speech which separate these children from their peers, it is also the many other factors associated with the condition. One young man I work with is totally obsessed with Star Wars. This is usually a good conversation gamit with peers for about 3-4 minutes, then they tire of the subject and try to change it. The young man has no interest in changing the topic and ignores all attempts by others to do so. If you tell him “I don’t want to talk about Star Wars any more” he looks at you blankly and says “Bit I do!”. This inability to empathise is one of the most severely limiting factors for people with Aspegergers in their initiating and maintaining social contact with others.
So - we have a flawed answer to the problem (social skills instruction) but until we understand more about how to change the thinking of these children, it is possibly the best model so far.
My 16 y.o. son attends a social skills class at a university run by the speech dept. Some of it is wrote, some is awkward, but we think it has helped him in many social situations. Even if the class does teach him to act like a perfect young adult, I’d rather have that then nothing at all.
My 16 year old son has aspergers and has been having social interaction classes for two years now.
he is getting easier to deal with at last.
i dont mean he is normal by a long shot but ast least the meltdowns and the anger are a lot less volatile and he can handle them himself these days.
that being said he can bring me to tears on a bad day. i realise he will never be normal, and the strain he puts on us as a family is immense.
I am a person with autism, a disability rights presenter, and I have done a presentation on this very this very topic! I personally beleive that social skills needs to be part of the “general ed curriculum”.
This part you said, Lisa is the biggest issue:
“But how often has anyone ever seen a typical group of young boys sit down for a chat about the weekend, shake hands spontaneously, or courteously turn-take during a rehash of a ball game? Are we carefully teaching our children how to act like little adults — and actually undermining the very thing we’re trying to create: normalcy?”
I think that we need to teach those skills of resiprocity, etiquette, extending friendships, caring for each other, etc. I beleive that that in regard to basic skills, you mentioned above like “turn taking”, those are good but we need to go much farther.
I beleive that “some people have no friends, because they were never taught the skills to be a friend” (direct quote from an online discussion board from a TE526 class student at San Diego State).
In regard to the group once a week, the kids need to be taught how to do friend type activites OUTSIDE of the group. Some of these “buddy programs” create facilitated aquantances, not true friends! Friends NEVER get paid, extra credit, or rewards from an outside agency for doing something nice from some outside agency.
See http://www.pealcenter.org/MiddleSchoolInclusionSeries and scroll down to “Life After The Last Bell” for my presentation audio conference and slideshow.