Why Autistic Children Deserve Rules and Discipline

Most children, at some point in their lives, misbehave. They may hit another child, grab a toy not meant for them, or demand when they should ask nicely. Most parents, guardians, and teachers respond to such behavior with consequences, such as time-outs or loss of TV privileges.

From these consequences, children learn that their behaviors are unacceptable; they also learn that controlling their impulses can have positive outcomes. Too often, though, an autistic child gets a "pass" based on lower expectations, despite doing something for which any other child would see consequences.

This article discusses why adults hesitate to provide structure for autistic kids, and some of the myths that shape those decisions. It offers ideas to help an autistic child understand the rules of behavior and control their impulses.

Why Adults Avoid Disciplining Autistic Children

Most adults who give a pass to bad behavior in autistic children may believe that the child is incapable of better behavior, which is ableist. Some adults fear consequences will cause some sort of emotional damage.

Or they may believe that the autistic child will lash out if confronted with disapproval. Whatever their reasons, however, adults who choose not to offer structure and discipline to autistic children are limiting their growth and doing them a disservice.

Why Discipline and Structure Are Important

If there is one thing that children (with or without autism) absolutely need to thrive, it’s structure and discipline. A lack of adult involvement in creating a safe, structured, and orderly world can be frightening and overwhelm the child.

Yes, it’s easier to avoid disciplining an autistic child. And it’s tempting to assume that an autistic child is incapable of understanding or following rules. 

Those rules may need to be modified or bent, depending upon the circumstances. But a child who is raised or educated without the benefit of structure and discipline is almost certain to live with the consequences as they grow up, and find it impossible to integrate into the community or the workplace.

Myths About Autism and Discipline

There are several myths about autism that make it seem unfair or inappropriate to enforce behavioral rules. While these myths contain a grain of truth, it’s important to separate truth from misinformation.

“A child who cannot talk cannot understand.”

Many people hold to the idea that verbal communication is a sign of intelligence. Therefore, they may make assumptions about cognitive ability and behavior in autistic kids with limited verbal skills.

Instead, parents or guardians may need to modify their style of communication to meet the needs of a child with limited or no verbal skills. For example, a guardian may need to keep words simple: “no hitting,” as opposed to “now, you know that we don’t hit in this house."

Guardians also may need to use the child’s preferred means of communication. For most adults, modifications such as these should be easy to accomplish.

“Autistic children never misbehave without good reason.”

It is certainly true that many autistic children respond strongly to sensory input, and may show their discomfort through what appear to be naughty behaviors. It’s also true that autistic kids are more vulnerable to bullying than their neurotypical peers, which may not be obvious to an adult in the room. 

So, yes, sometimes “behaviors” are the result of problems that can and should be addressed. Nevertheless, autistic children are still children. They get angry and hit. They throw things that shouldn’t be thrown. They put their hands in their food or dump their food on the floor.

Just like other children, autistic kids need to learn that disruptive behaviors are not acceptable and that there are alternative ways to communicate feelings and needs. 

“Autistic children don’t understand the consequences.”

It is critical to design consequences so that they fit the child and the situation. It may be tough for an autistic child to understand or comply with a quiet time-out, but that same child may be capable of understanding and complying with time away from video games.

Every child deserves the respect and support represented by clear structure, consistent rules, and discipline. These tools, along with some flexibility, patience, and imagination, can help an autistic child to understand their world and feel safe and confident as they grow up, while avoiding inappropriate discipline techniques like physical punishment.

“It’s unfair to discipline a child with a disability.”

Of course, it is unfair to discipline a child for things they cannot control. So, for example, scolding an autistic child for “stimming” or making noise may well be unreasonable. These are behaviors that are part of being autistic, and it may be nearly impossible for the child to simply “extinguish” those behaviors.