How Involved Are Autism Dads? Vote in the Poll

I didn’t find a category in the poll that I felt really suited the invaluable support my husband continues to provide to me and our son. When it came to issues with doctor’s and the school, my husband certainly took the back seat, but now that our son is older he is certainly taking over the primary role when it comes to developing career-type interests and finding appropriate placements, as well as getting our son more involved in various recreational activities and developing basic “handyman” type lifeskills. My husband and son are pretty good friends for each other now… but that wasn’t always the case during the early years.

The recreational stuff was always an area where I felt my husband would have liked to become more involved with when our son was younger. I think he regretted not being the kind of dad who could comfortably take his boy to baseball or hockey or whatever else dad’s usually dream about doing with their boys. Slugging through therapy sessions and IEP meetings with me did little to make up for the disappointment he was feeling. He seemed to mourn the “loss” of these recreational opportunities longer than I did, and it did take getting some of the early behavioral issues under some control before my husband felt that he was able to manage much with regards to our son on his own.

I think, as a generalization, women are more inclined to just “battle” our way through issues with our younger children than men. I also think, that as women, we tend to expect more moral support from our husbands than we think about devising ways to give them moral support and a little confidence in dealing with childhood behavioral matters. So, I think this may account for why it seems that there are more women involved with autism than men and why it seems their are more women complaining about lack of support from their men than vice versa. Most of the behavioral issues and frustrations we see expressed in the media by parents have to do with our children when they are still quite young and men seem to more naturally take on the background roles with young children regardless of whether or not autism is involved. To compound the illusion, many people with autism do take over their own public advocacy (online, for example) when they get older, so there are fewer parents of adults with autism having to take on such vocal roles when it comes to the oft discussed topics like behavior in school and childhood vaccines. I suspect that there are many men out there whose role in their sons’ lives increased as their children got older.

So, I guess my advice to youg couples struggling with such issues is to try to hang in there together and get through the early years by offering each other whatever moral support you can muster… together. Take heart that, invariably, parental roles do change a lot over time regardless of whether the child involved is autistic or not.

Couldn’t find a choice which reflected my situation; I would have looked for a choice which read:
Wife knew all even though she is not autistic, would not agree with my solutions, prevented me from using techniques which were successful for my parents raising Asperger children, and her results in hindsight were disastrous.

What I think would be even more interesting would be the results of a study comparing the involvement of “autism dads” with their kids, including autistic and non-autistic, and the involvement of “normal” dads with their “normal” kids. Are “autism dads” more or less likely to be involved with their kids?

I like Brett’s idea also.

Looking forward to some homeschooling information in the near future also I hope.

Rereading my post, I perhaps tried to make my point too subtly (and the got off track). I think the online dialogue about autism is, more often than not, slanted towards the participation of moms with young children rather than the participation of dads and adults with autism themselves. It is quite noticeable in this poll where every option is clearly worded from a mom’s perspective.

I think this trend online tends to contribute to how some men feel that their views are just shoved aside by their wives (as Bill makes obvious in his post) and I also think this misleads people into assuming that dads of children with autism are less involved than other dads. However, I think that, like my husband, many of them are just as involved – just perhaps in different ways at different points in their children’s lives.

Actually, Mary, I was quite careful to word the poll so that it was NOT from the mom’s perspective. In other words, I said “Dad is,” rather than “the Dad of your child” or “your child’s father.”

There are many very involved fathers who comment regularly on this blog. That’s one reason I bring up this issue from time to time, and why I included an option for “Dad manages everything.”

If you check the poll results, you’ll find that in a lot of cases that option is checked!

Lisa

i’m sorry, I just don’t feel the poll is turned out as equally parallel as you intended it to be. The items always begin with “Dad is” (which is third-person and subtly implies that they observations are being made about Dad by someone other than Dad himself). I agree, the term used was better than if “of your child” had also been used, but it still does not completely balance the phrasing.

This imbalance is most evident in the first and last options. I.E. “Dad manages everything…” and “Dad’s never involved..” While they are intended to represent the opposite ends of the poll, the first only subtly implies that “Mom might never be involved;” rather than bluntly states it. Not being involved has a negative connotation, and the Dad’s bear the brunt of that implication in this poll. It may have come across more balanced to me perhaps if the poll had either ended with “Mom manages everything…” or began with “Mom’s never involved…” and if the other options alternated their starting perspective between “Dad is” and “Mom is”

well, a separate poll could address mom’s involvement.

quite honestly, though, moms typically are primary caregivers across the board – and super-duper caregivers with autistic kids.

it’s relatively unusual for dads to be as involved. it’s just the reality.

Lisa

I did not vote- the last paragraph was clear to me who the poll was intended for “Whether you’re an autism dad or a fellow traveler, tell us something about it.”

I took this poll to better involve dads, when so much involves the mom’s. Dad’s generally are the back burner topic and I think the poll is great.

While all of those categories of mothers and fathers exist, you left one out near and not so dear to my heart. The mothers of autistic children that just cant handle it. I am a single father of two autistic boys (10 and 6) and have not heard from their mother in over 5 years. I am not in a unique situation.so while single mothers of autistic children may be a larger % us; single dads are gaining ground. I hope everyone of us have the strength to percevere

Although autism has been a rough road, it has had its benefits as well. We dont always agree, but my husband and I always come together to intervene, discuss opinions, or to pick up where the other leaves off when it comes to our sons. I cannot imagine doing this by myself and truly admire those who do.