When Autism Acceptance Meets Lowered Expectations
The coach says "come on Bill, give it a try!" Bill shakes his head no, and the coach smiles and walks away. Bill goes back to flicking, the coach goes back to the other kids -- and Bill's parents are thrilled to hear, when they pick him up, that "he did his best."
In situations like these, is "autism acceptance" the same thing as "lowered expectations?"
Typically, well-intentioned adults give a lot of slack to children (and other adults) whom they see as mentally or physically challenged. That's probably appropriate. After all, it is tougher for kids with disabilities to do many things -- and credit should certainly be given for the extra work they have to put in to succeed.
But what if they don't succeed -- or even come close? What if the person with autism doesn't do the hard work, but simply stays on the sidelines flicking his fingers? What if he's demonstrated the ability to take part in the activity or work, but chooses not to? Should the adults in their world accept this as "the best that child can do?"
It's not easy to push any child, since pushing is likely to meet resistance. In a child with autism, any type of pushing is particularly likely to meet with loud and definite resistance.
But isn't it the job of a parent, teacher, coach or therapist to find ways to push past, around, or through resistance -- to find untapped strengths? And isn't it the job of those caring adults to think creatively and well for the child -- not simply caving to "can't" but developing ways to get to "can" -- at least on some level?
Obviously no child -- or adult -- can be successful in every setting. But I worry that accepting limitations too soon or too absolutely -- whether out of pity, out of exhaustion, or out of anxiety -- is undermining our children with autism. Why not set an expectation of achievement, rather than an assumption of incapacity? Why not help a child with autism to find his untapped strength?
Comments
Well, we know that the mirror neurons ain’t working if he can’t figure out that he is supposed to mimic the actions of the other children. If you had a good parent-coach relationship, maybe you could inform the coach that he can never assume that “Bill” we figure out what may seem obvious, and needs to be told. If that doesn’t work however, maybe “Bill” doesn’t really want to play, and has only been going through the motions of going to the park to avoid an argument with you; an argument he doesn’t understand, and knows he will never win.
Great post!I know we’re always walking the fine line that separates our 6 year old’s potential with the need to cut him slack because he has autism. Sometimes we get it right, other times we don’t.
I just try to treat my 9 year old as I would any other kid.
I took Una horseriding for the 2nd time when she was about 7 and she squirmed and carried on. The lady looked sympathetic and suggested she would take her off….rather than explain the situation in front of my daughter I just said “I paid my $30 bucks she will stay on the horse”…..she did and both my daughter and the lady worked through it. I know that sounds mean but I just didnt want to get involved in explaining autism and my motivations etc.
I didnt and still dont’t want to let my daughter think that the fact that she just doesnt want to is enough not to do something…..how would I ever get her to tidy her room, finish her study, eat vegetables or train for a job when she is older if I set things up that way now????
Una loved riding the first time and so it wasnt until that ride was finished that the problem was obvious, the riding hat had been wet or sweaty! That just showed me that the first idea isnt always right. Una loved the horse and the ride she just hated the feeling of the hat so next time I was careful to get a fresh one!
We persist when it comes to making them eat why wouldnt we persist when it comes to helping them overcome their fear of joining in??
1. Autism acceptance does not equal doing nothing.
2. How do we know that being at the ball game isn’t a feat in and of itself for the child, and this is for the purpose of exposur and inclusion, rather than failing to push the child hard enough
3. wth is with the ever present hand flapping stereotype? My son rarely does this. He also rarely stands still.