Is Autism Toughest on Dads? Your Opinion Requested

As the father of a ten year old autistic son that has made amazing progress over the last two years due to primarily my efforts to find solutions I feel I can speak to this issue. The relationship between father and son is very different than a mother and child, but more importantly in a least a portion of the families dealing with autism the father is a proven problem solver and takes on that role in the crisis. I am in touch with several fathers that manage their child’s recovery as a first priority.

The demographics of this epidemic are similar those of Chronic fatigue syndrome known as he yuppy disease, successful late family starters with proven track records in career. These guys have experience in problem solving and I for one feel that I not only could resolve the dilema but I could do it timely. (I was wrong) First male child, late marriage, Connor was born when I was 42.

This is a common profile among parents with an Autistic child,

Successful businessman with three decades of experience in confronting adversity and overcoming it. I was not going to let my first major failure be my first born no matter what.

Eight years latter the struggle continues but with some great successes. Reading , writing, language. Starting to get social skills but without some amazing people that I stumble upon the prognosis would have been horrible. It this scenario happened the guilt and feelings of failure probably would have been overwhelming.

Mom’s can accept a disabled child just through the definition of motherhood. Fathers do not necessarily have the same cushion to fall back upon.

Socially you are right fathers are not going to get the support from co-workers and friends that a mother would but beyond that the time restraints cause even the strongest bonds and friendship to deteriorate. Between work, family and therapies both the marital relationship is strained and outside support and friendships dwindle
very quickly.

Neighbors and even family tend to isolate the families of Autistic children. We have been asked to not bring our son to gatherings and family events such as weddings, birthday parties. When my son’s grandfather died my wife was told that my son and I really did not need to come to his home town for the funeral.

The vast majority of these kids are attended to by courageous mothers with unlimited passion but when that role lands squarely on the father, I could see how disastrous outcomes could occur.

The whole deal is life changing overwhelming and emotionally devastating. Take away the emotional and social support and people crumble.

The effect on every family is as different as the children themselves. Consider that most mothers(like me) have had to give up careers to tend to their children. In our household, I do all the biomedical intervention research, ordering supplements and juggling my son’s schedule.Plus, my typical daughter’s activities which we work so hard at, to make sure she is getting the proper attention and support. My husband jets off to business meetings and gets to socialize with his work peers. A big distraction which I do not have. When I do see friends, the last thing I(or they) want to talk about is my special needs child.It is the daily grind that gets to both of us equally. My husband has the thankless task of dealing with the Board of Ed, the hardest struggle of all. As if it is not bad enough, my husband spends hours trekking there for nothing, phone calls go unanswered and they refuse to acknowledge my son’s desperate need for services. That alone will probably drive him(my husband) crazy in the end.

To cut a long story short..

My son has AS.

His mum couldn’t handle it and now lives 200 miles away and sees him once every 3 weeks.

I look after my son and while being tricky I don’t have any major problems.

However, at school things are very difficult – not a man in sight!

I will not go as far as saying it is tougher on one parent than another. It is beyond difficult for all parties. Grandparents, friends, siblings, Aunts, Uncles, church members, and society. Nobody has written the definitive handbook because each child is so different. I was told recently that Tanner needed a therapy dog. I told that person no way. I am already low being on the totem pole. I do not want to be below the dog that would fall to me to feed and clean up after.

My husband may not have countless hours of Internet research that I have, but it’s equally challenging for both of us day to day. We always hear about families being broken once the diagnosis is made. We try very hard to openly communicate our true feelings with each other. I think that is the key with any challenge life throws your way. Keith may not feel he can talk to the men he works with about this, but we surround ourselves with other people who sometimes just listen or offer advice from time to time. There was a time when my husband was in total denial, but later he came around and I supported his feelings and we worked through that process together. Wouldn’t it figure that I went through the same thing quite a bit latervand he was always there to listen. It’s not easy and there have been arguements along the way. Men and women both have an equally hard time.

The idea (implication) in the Denver Post article that dads are cold, distant, and out-of-touch when they have a child on the spectrum is an ignorant – no, it’s a STUPID – and offensive thing to say. Nancy Lofholm’s article is just part of the anti-dad agenda that seems to be creeping into our society more and more – it’s an agenda to feminize boys and disparage the contributions of men to families and to society. Frankly, I don’t actually consider that Post article to be an article about autism; it’s just another vehicle to bash men.

[I'm glad you posted it though, Lisa, because the role of fathers is an important issue in ASD, and the article certainly provokes thought and discussion].

-Bob

There’s a lot of variability among men and among women in how they respond when their child is on the spectrum. The male and female bell curves mostly overlap but, sure, women are *stereotypically* more nurturing, and men *stereotypically* focus on preparing their children for the rigors of the real world.

These are the timeless roles fathers and mothers have played since humans began having children. =) If a kid is playing and falls and scrapes his knee, mommy has kisses and hugs. Dad says, get up, no crying, get back out there and play some more.

There is undeniably some truth behind both stereotypes, but individuals vary within the sexes much more than between the sexes.

Both approaches (nurturance and realism) are necessary for the ASD child’s optimal achievement, fulfillment, and happiness. Coddling a child with ASD – setting low expectations – does him no favor. That does not fit my definition of “love”. If you are going to define “love” as weepy emotionalism, then you’re stacking the deck against men.

Real LOVE comes in many forms. One form is setting high expectations for an ASD child that will enable him to maximize his potential. No, NOT trying to make him “normal”, and NOT trying to force him to be something he’s not, in order to serve my own ego. But instead figuring out what his talents and aptitudes are and setting a course to maximize that potential.

I cannot express the depth of my love for my ASD son. (Maybe my inability to express it is a symptom of my being a man). Nonetheless, I convert that indescribable love into energy to find resources to help my son, paying for extra ABA therapy and ***participating*** in it so I can reinforce what he learns. Also into refocusing my priorities to ensure I’m spending the maximum amount of time with him, playing rough with him (he loves the sensory input), having father-son time, and letting him know through love-in-action that he is LOVED.

My son turns 3 at the end of January, and I can assure you that he is secure and full of joy. He is being the best possible him, and I burst with pride at his accomplishments. They are probably always going to be different accomplishments than my 1-year-old neurotypical son has and will have. But as long as I am breathing, I will see to it that both of them grow up to be decent and moral men, maximizing their potential.

Don’t get me wrong. I get frustrated with setbacks. I am still not home nearly enough because I have to earn a living. And I readily admit that I have a LOT to learn about ASD and about my son. I also have to be sure I’m not ignoring my 1-year-old because of the focus on my autistic son. There are always too few hours in the day, and too many things left undone. But in my own way, I will do the best I can for them. And I will set high expectations for both of them, though those expectations may be different.

Thanks for reading my l o n g post.

-Bob

It’s clear that dads of sons with autism need to get involved in at least one major part of their boy’s life skills education: using a public men’s room.

When dad’s don’t, their son’s wind up learning that skill from a women’s cultural perspective. That could be dangerous. After all, for example, we don’t talk to each other in there or borrow toilet paper by passing it under the stall divider – common practices in a public ladies rest room.

Get on the stick, fellas, and take charge of teaching this important skill to our young sons.

As the “significant other” of a mother with 2 autistic children, I can tell you , while not being easy,it has been a positive and rewarding life experience. I have lived with them for over three years now, and while i am not their dad, I have seen the difficult times, but have also seen the improvement in both of their lives. Yes, you have to be more tolerant,more understanding, more caring, but the relationship you build with them is special indeed. I have my own son, who is 21 years old and is not autistic. so ,I guess you can say that I have experienced “fatherhood” in 2 very distinct ways. I would not pass up on either of these “fatherhoods” for anything. You do your best and keep giving !!

NO ..AUTISM IS NOT TOUGHEST ON DADS……….
AUTISM IS A TOUGH LIFE SITUATION FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY AND IS TOUGHEST ON THE CHILD/ADULT IN THE FAMILY WITH AUTISM AND NEXT IN LINE ARE THE SIBLINGS, ESPECIALLY IF THERE IS ONLY ONE SIBLING.
MY DAUGHTER PRETTY MUCH RAISED HERSELF FROM HER SECOND YEAR WHEN HER BROTHER, WHO NOW 43 YEARS OLD, WAS BORN.
MY HEART IS OFTEN HEAVY FOR HER AND WHAT I COULD NOT OR DID NOT OFFER HER.
HER BROTHER TOOK UP ALL MY TIME, SPACE, AND ENERGY. IT CONTINUED UNTIL FAIRLY RECENTLY.
I NOW HAVE TIME FOR MY DAUGHTER’S CHIDREN AND AM PAINFULLY AWARE OF WHAT SHE GIVES THEM AND WHAT I DID NOT GIVE HER.
THERE ARE JUST SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY AND IF A PARENT WANTS THE AFFECTED CHILD TO ‘BECOME’ IT TAKES RELENTLESS PERSISTENCE AND A GOOD DEAL OF SUPPORT FROM OTHERS.

I am sure this article does not apply to all fathers. I am also sure that there are many fathers out there who are very involved in the lives of their autistic children and those dads should be commended. Unfortunately, my husband is not one of those dads. I have been my son’s primary caregiver since day one and still am. He will soon be 13 and still in diapers. Although, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, nothing has changed. I am still the one that does the research on the internet, look for services,deal with schools and doctors and give haircuts to both my boys while simultaneously trying to stay on top of my health issues. I don’t have the energy that I use to have, but I keep going. Moms, if you have a husband that is involved in the caring of your autistic child(which is how it should be)God bless you both.

First, lets lot make this horrible incident a Dad thing. Its ok to talk about how parenting a child with autism is a different experience for Moms and Dads, but lets not lump the drama of this incident into it. If you look at the examples given in the article, these tragic endings have involved both both types of parents, but it happens in families that don’t have autistic children also. Parents in any difficult situation should be prepared to pick up the phone or the car keys before picking up something destructive. There is ALWAYS someone who can help, though they may be hard to find.

Second, lets not even try to start a game of who autism is harder on. That’s a little like asking if 9/11 was harder on the survivors of the north tower or the survivors of the south tower.

Third – family life conditions vary greatly from one family to another, from one child to another. Quite frankly there are plenty of times when my child who does not have autism requires much more energy then my child who does. The big difference is that respite is readily available from the demands of that child in self guided activities, play dates, outside activities, family members eager to take them places, etc. Mom and Dad together time without the kids is often a cash deal, IF you can find someone wiling and able to handle a child with autism. Perhaps it is that relationship that it is toughest on.

I have met many extraordinary Dads and Moms of children with autism who are handling it well, so I think I’ll leave it with just a salute to them all.

I think there’s so much differences between individuals; regardless of there gender, that you simply cannot generalize.

I’ve found that in my own family, my wife and I have experienced difficulties; some similar and some different. I don’t think it’s because she’s a woman and I’m a man.

That being said, society definitely places different stresses by gender. In one respect it’s easier for me because dads are not “expected” to control their children. My wife tends to be judged harsher than I. Ironically, this is a source of frustration for me. Even our son’s psychologist would look directly at my wife when he was speaking with us. Seems that a man could not possibly know what’s going on with their son.

Stereotypes do not help anyone’s stress level!

After 10+ years of my son’s life I never would have thought to ask whether my wife or I have it harder. We’re a family and we have a son who is autistic and 8 y.o. daughter who isn’t. We operate w/in our family roles as father, mother, and sister. I take my kiddoes on outings, show affection and guidance, and pay attention to various trends on the subject of autism, much of which already comes from my professional background as a social worker. My wife pays attention to details of operating family life while being motherly and maybe more exacting and sheltering than me. My daughter unwittingly models nonautistic behaviors (and sibling relations!) that he learns from. I think our roles, stereotypical or not, all complement each other. As a father I do have personal disappointments that I feel selfish about, including realizing there is a possibility that my son may never carry out my bloodline and realizing that there are higher functioning activities like sports, etc. that we may never be able to enjoy together; but I can get over it. Meanwhile, despite the stereotypes, he is very affectionate and guileless. I’ve never ever felt a need for respite from him or any of my family members (a hour or so of chill time on the computer a night notwithstanding! :p) But I do worry about being able to preserve a future of where he can feel loved and encouraged to grow if/when there comes a point that my wife and I can’t take care of him.

I have been professionally diagnosed with Asperger’s as has one of my brothers, and nearly all of my male relatives, siblings and children are somewhere on the spectrum.
I found the quote in the story “They may not understand that the problem is not caused by the mom being too easy on the child.” blood curdling. In my mind, this goes to the crux of the problem politically correct society has created. When a person lacks the ability to see something from someone else’s perspective pundits like to call them “autistic”. Yet when a mother (and society with her)utterly blinded by empathy cannot even begin to comprehend the selfish autistic mind, they want to put the blame on the father, when in fact the father’s mindset, not blinded by empathy, recognizes the autistic/Asperger’s child for what he is, a selfish brat. (remember Autism in just a Greek label for someone selfish- from the Greek “auto” – self)
The inability of neurotypicals to comprehend that discipline based on guilt and peer pressure won’t work with autism spectrum children has resulted in a generation of autistic brats. Face it mom, to your autistic kid you are nothing but a meal ticket. A dirty look? Hah! Is it coincidence that Dr. Asperger’s young patients were the children of the upper levels of society? Were upper levels of society better able to afford care of a specialist, more prone to genetic autism, or more “progressive” and less likely to do the traditional physical discipline? (I’m guessing a little of all of the above.)
It has only been 62 years since Dr. Spock’s Child Care book was published, and in three generations it has managed to turn anyone practicing traditional physical punishment into a pariah. I, my parents and my grandparents don’t seem to have been harmed by spanking, yet somehow we are supposed to believe that it is harmful. The decline of discipline in society has been in lock-step with these “progressive” theories.
Dr. Spock’s theory that you shouldn’t spank a child may even be correct for a neurotypical child, or at least not more harmful than the obvious decline in society, but what about the autism spectrum/Asperger’s child? Our handicap laws say we must accommodate handicaps regardless of the inconvenience or cost to the non-handicapped. If someone with autism/Asperger’s has a handicap which prevents them from learning discipline by guilt trips, dirty looks, peer pressure, aren’t we legally required to make up for this handicap by providing a discipline which works?
I see all these mothers who have just found out their two year old has autism, read a few junk autism websites, and suddenly they are experts on autism and how to bring up a child with autism. They haven’t had to literally sit on a young teenager with Asperger’s for five hours straight to win the battle of wills in a society where you cannot spank a child. They haven’t had their Asperger’s child mock them and threaten to call child protection. The father can watch the mother played for a fool, her emotions and empathies toyed with like a malevolent video game, and the father is powerless to do anything because of the inane restrictions an autistic politically correct society places on discipline. We have become a society of no responsibility; it can’t be our bad genes that caused this autism, it must be vaccines! Let’s go find someone else to blame, someone else to pay!
“They may not understand that the problem is not caused by the mom being too easy on the child.” If autism is a form of extreme maleness, as proposed by Simon Baron-Cohen, and also if autism appears to be paternal chromosomes which lack the moderation of maternal chromosomes (imprinting)as the latest genetic theories have been demonstrating, why is society’s knee-jerk reaction that men cannot understand the discipline of the autism spectrum child, when psychology and genetics all point to mothers being neurologically distant, incapable of understanding the unempathetic autistic mind? Why can’t society grasp the problem is mothers being to easy on the child?
Are we doing our autism spectrum children any favors not teaching them to follow society’s norms, cooperate in a normal school setting, and someday go out and get a job? I am not some mother babbling some theories after reading some moronic website, I have watched three generations of Asperger’s children and the evolution of how society treats them and disciplines them, and since 1994 it has been all down hill. Also like many fathers, well aware of how heretics who dare to speak the dark truths are treated, I do not dare put my real name on this, because Monday morning I have to go to work and continue working hard at pretending to not have Asperger’s.

Bill (16) – I don’t mean to be rude, but your aspergers diagnosis does not qualify you or excuse you from pulling a Savage or a Leary, especially when spewing a long discredited theory blaming autism on mothers, or autism itself on selfishness. I encourage you to read more about the recent study that showed that one particular epilepsy medication given to pregnant women induced autism at a rate 7 times higher then with women on other epilepsy medications. I find this to be the most striking evidence yet of a modern man made environmental trigger in autism.

When I first started responding to your message I got interrupted by a call from my mom informing me that a cousins young child was just diagnosed with aspergers. I find your generalization about mothers and individuals with autism to be highly ignorant and extremely offensive in a very personal way..

But the most offensive comment was this one “They haven’t had to literally sit on a young teenager with Asperger’s for five hours straight to win the battle of wills in a society where you cannot spank a child. “ I suggest that if you know someone who employs this strategy that you encourage them to seek help in developing more effective and less abusive parenting methods. Parenting an autistic child requires some unconventional approaches, but I find physically restraining a child who is merely willful rather than a danger to himself or others for 5 hours to be highly suspect. Autism is a lifelong condition. Certainly even kids have autism need disciplined constructive guidance, but can’t out will autism from a person by sitting on them for 5 hours. I know it can be hard and frustrating, but this can’t be the way.

Bill (16) Just because you turned out manipulative does not mean all AS people are. In fact, many of them are incapable of manipulation. If you’re the product of corporal punishment, I may never spank my child again.

I don’t think it’s toughest on dads. It is tough on all, but in different ways. It is tough on mothers because they often have to be mediator between father and child. The dad gets mad because he thinks the child is simply being stubborn and the mom has to explain it’s not. The dad just didn’t ask the question/give directions in a way the child could understand. Then she has to listen to the “well, I didn’t act this way when I was a kid: my parents wouldn’t let me get away with this etc.”
I still feel isolated. There are no support groups in my area, I cannot work because I have to be available to pick my son up from school at a moment’s notice. I am the one who takes my child out and has to deal with the looks when there are meltdowns. I have to “spoil the fun” when I tell my husband he can’t take our son out to do certain things because it will be something he can’t handle. I have to say we can’t afford to do something because we’re paying so much in co-pays and me not working that we’re not even making it paycheck to paycheck. Even having someone to chat with about autism doesn’t break the isolation. I am isolated because I want a little piece of my own life, but sometimes I feel like I may never get that.
We don’t have any other children yet, so I can’t speak for them.
And yet, with all I give up, I would never abuse my child and I think it’s unforgivable to do so. I love my son with everything I have and nothing will change that.

autism is hard.
Other people make it so. The world doesn’t change because a child was diagnosed. It is the reaction that determines the experience.
My son’s father left. The grandparents followed suit as well as aunts and uncles. That makes things emotionally difficult.
The other parent is left to wonder will (x and his new wife some day try to mess up all the work). When someone leaves even the world of an autistic child moves foward. Selfishness is the issue not Autism. Autism is easiest on the selfish; who just leave.

I will echo the general sentiment of the comments I’ve read; which is that autism is hard on the entire family and selecting any particular family member for special hardship is a foolish game.

I do agree that dad’s blogs (mine included) are more likely to cite articles about potential drugs and treatments, because as guys, our 1st instinct is to fix the problem. If ABA ain’t cutting it, surely a new wonder drug will.

At the end of the day, whether it’s describing a heartfelt situation or an experimental new treatment, we’re all doing what we need to do to keep our sanity. And as caregivers, the most important thing we must retain is our perspective, love for our children and reason for hope. A sense of humor helps, but prayer and alcohol make a good substitute. As John Lennon wrote, “Whatever gets you though the night is all right.” – Kevin

I’m not sure if I can add much here that hasn’t been already said. And maybe it’s been too long that not many will see it, however… The majority of Dads doing their part to help, looks to be in the minority.

Dads that are the exception don’t be miffed with me.

My experience so far is that we get calls, emails, blog posts mainly from Mom’s. I’d say 1 out of 50 comes from the Dad.

http://www.autismbitestheblog.blogspot.com/

I have a son with autism who is down the middle to severe, for me it is hard some days I just wish it would end, it really makes me deppresed that I can not have a relationship with my son. My wife handles it much better than me, I feel really guilty that I feel this way. I really do alot all the therapies and research till late at night, quit my job and now work full time to help, sometimes it just feels hopeless.

Bill,
Thank you. Your blog has made my week. I’m the stepmom to a young autistic adult (male), hence my “Anonymous” title, because well, my stepson’s mom wasn’t up for the job of parenting him. At a certain point she couldn’t handle him and gave up, concentrating on her other child. So my autistic stepson “chose” to live with his dad and me. I use quotation marks because there wasn’t really much of a choice: he knew he needed help he’d get only at my house. He also got discipline, consequences, and limits.

I don’t do political correctness. Sure, I understand my stepson’s apparent selfishness is really his autism, but I also get that he’s high-functioning and he’s grown up being front stage center and in control. I mean, please, let’s imagine for a moment that as children we had an aide and nobody else did, that we controlled bedtime and our parents and siblings revolved around us, that our tantrums were guaranteed results. At age seven my stepson met me. He threw tantrums that last hours, because for the first time in his life, his nonsense did NOT get results. Period. He adjusted and he FLOURISHED!!!!! His work in school improved dramatically (he’s now in university, winning scholarships) and he made friends.

It’s a truism among helping professionals that children with ANY disability or serious medical condition can get spoiled. Or, if you like, “pampered.” Why? Because parents and others feel guilty! They don’t realize they’re not doing the child any favors.

If a parent wouldn’t spoil a normal child (and I hope not), why is it acceptable to spoil a child with autism or Asperger’s? Such treatment only compounds the genuine problems this child has. It’s NOT a favor.

My policy is this: my stepson must live in the real world. In the real world, people won’t put up with his stunts.

Sure, he doesn’t hesitate to make me look bad and play the pity game and all sorts of other stuff. But I call him on his nonsense and TRY not to put up with it. Occasionally I do discover that yes,, once again, I’ve been played. An example would be his attention-seeking with his doctor. He’ll do things he’ll know will get dramatic results. For example, he was shaving with a filthy, dull razor that was a year old. So, he got razor burn. I told him to throw out his razor, get a new one, and not shave a couple days. Did he get angry! He already knew better, but he persevered with the filthy dull razor and splashed on globs of acidic anti-acne stuff he knew would burn his skin. Drama! A trip to the doctor! This kind of antic is typical and is played out whenever he’s feeling challenged by life. So, should one play into this kind of game or say, “Why not pay attention to the life challenge you’re avoiding?” That’s a rhetorical question.

Although not the “real mother,” I’ve given my autistic stepson more parental love and sacrifice than many real parents give. But I won’t let him consume my life, which he would do, given a chance. I understand that in order to function as an adult, he needs to acknowledge the legitimate rights and needs of others.

Bill, I applaud you for your insight and honesty. You sound like a great guy. I wish parents of autistic spectrum children would learn from you.

And although I’m not a man (obviously) I tend to be logical and analytical in my approach to autism. Comes from my past experience teaching young adults with handicaps (including ones with high-functioning autism) to get jobs. To do that, you need to get real.

Ms. Rudy, I love how you stereo type fathers of autistic kids as being dim wits. You have no clue.