Why Even Kids with Autism Need Challenges to Grow
We must be careful not to have the "fairy godmother" syndrome - by doing everything for our kids and not letting them make their mistakes and in so doing learn from them. Yes, it's tough, but it does pay huge dividends.This is a tough piece of advice to follow - especially in these times when "helicopter" parents seem to do everything for their typically developing children, let alone their children with delays and disabilities. But I agree wholeheartedly with Jazel's assessment.
In fact, one of the reasons we pulled our son out of public school was because of the lowered expectations placed on kids with autism. Every "I can't," every anxious wince, every meltdown, was rewarded with fewer and fewer demands.
Finally, by the middle of October of our son Tom's second grade year, Tom had achieved precisely what was easiest for him: his 1:1 had withdrawn him from art, music, gym, and all mainstreamed classes - and sat alone with him in a classroom rather than support him in a challenging environment.
Of course, it's easier - and often pleasanter - to allow our children with autism to simply opt out of challenging situations. And sometimes there's really no choice: as we all know, for example, melt downs and airplanes make a poor combination.
But just as often, I've found, working up to challenges is extraordinarily rewarding. Little by little, Tom has learned not only to handle being in a gym with mom or dad (at the Y) - he's also learned to CATCH a ball rather than run from it. He's even learned to dribble and shoot a basketball. Now, he's a part of a homeschool gym program with 13 kids. And while he's no athlete, he's out there having fun, and occasionally actually making a basket!
Bottom line: don't allow your love for your child and your intuitive protectiveness to undermine your child's potential. The only way to know how far your child can succeed is to offer challenges and opportunities, and allow him - occasionally - to fail.
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I agree that excising challenges from the lives of children with autism is defeating and ultimately ineffective.
But lowered expectations on the part of parents is not as commonplace nor as truly devastating as what school districts and teachers do every day. They create pathetically low expectations on kids, which allows them to relax and claim “success” when a sad little “goal” is reached. What a bargain.
Trying to convince a group of beurocrats and classroom know-it-alls that a child is capable of much, much more than they are expecting is both the story of my life and a perpetually losing battle. When they are not labeling you as “demanding” or worse, they shake their heads pityingly and cluck behind your back that you just don’t accept your child’s impairment.
Rubbish. I know how affected by autism my son is, but I also know how capable he is. I will never stop believing in his ability to learn. But every year I watch smug instructors present material far below his ability, boring him senseless and resulting in a complete lack of interest. Which of course prompts them to lower the level further, because “he doesn’t get it.”
Failure inevitable.
Forget the problem of public meltdowns. The real problem is in the classroom, where diminshed expectations lead to total human diminishment and a lifetime of potential stolen.
I’ve experienced much different things with my son’s school. They seem to think he’s capable, just not applying himself. The fact is, they are offering the challenge but without the direct 1:1 help, he’ll never ‘get’ it. Today the school finally realized it’s not a case of applying himself, it’s a case of he totally doesn’t understand it, due to his autism which makes that communication piece of learning difficult. My kid just was offered a daily Para and 1:2 pull outs for an hour a week for direct academic help. Point being, not all schools expect less.
I think it’s a balancing act between expectations of those within certain places, like home and school have two different functions and expectations. However I see often that both parents and the school system think they ‘cant’ than to push to see if they ‘can’. No child is going to be born knowing how to do it all, all kids need to learn and be taught and this goes more so for those with autism. Many think that when a child is non verbal, that it also effects their comprehension of what’s going on around them or when they’re being taught. This is so often simply not so. We have often read articles where a non verbal person found a way to communicate and they say they’re ‘there’ the whole time. I read else where in which a parent said more or less she cant have a conversation with her child due to comprehension. Sure, the child may not answer back, but there is ways to show a child with autism many concepts and rules and routines. My non verbal child back when, I learned to watch his manner of body language which helped me understand him. When he began to speak, eventually I learned he heard and understood every word I said.
At the same time, for a child with autism, their anxieties and fears can often hold them back, as I have posted about my own son I think here before. Sometimes a child’s own fears can be more over whelming and prohibit their own expectations or things they really would like to try. As a parent, it may be easier to just not have the child do this or that than have the heart ache of them going through such painful anxieties. So it’s a balancing act between many sources, and being able to be wise enough to choose the biggest battles of challenges for our kids.
This has been one of my biggest struggles with our school district.
Because my son is very high functioning and verbal, they don’t see the effects of the noisy environment, the maladapted assignments (NOT according to the instructions in his IEP), and the teacher’s misunderstanding that his blank stares are sometimes the extra time he needs to “process” what other kids just absorb. The sad part is that I have had to “teach” the teachers how to do something that they should have training to do….meet the needs of the individual students in their classrooms instead of presenting a generic curriculum that is “get it or get out” attitude based.
Over and over, I have had to call the school principal and superintendent because they are not following the IEP put in place. Also, I have never let the school district tell me what he needed; I have always researched and then directly requested what my son needed. This year he is in a regular classroom with a 1:1 aide and Special Ed support as he needs it.
The school principal recently called me and wanted to put him in a learning support classroom because the teachers didn’t know how to alter his assignments because he has writing disabilities and modifications require them to give him less homework. I refused because they were keeping him from being in the “least restrictive environment” simply because it was easier for them to do that instead of learning how to meet his needs.
Every day so far this year has been a struggle with the program, but I refuse to let the school district off the hook….don’t fool yourself, this takes a thick skin and a lot of research into what you can request for your child and what they must be accountable for….but every day that my son comes home with a new accomplishment that the doctors (and the teachers) said that he would never do is the biggest victory celebration. Just watching his face as he brings home the tests with good grades that I have always believed he was capable of is the most beautiful moment I could ever hope for.
If the people around you don’t get it, surround yourself with support and those that do….and hold the school district’s feet to the fire until their soles burn off….or they give you what you are paying for and your child ultimately deserves…a free public education tailored to meet their needs!
Even Kids with Autism ????????
Especially kids with autism!!!!