Connecting with An Adult Child with Autism - Your Advice Requested
Monday August 25, 2008
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I need help. I love my adult son deeply and want to be there for him, but any mention of him being anything but perfect or expression of my feelings puts him immediately on the defence. He's independent, holds a good job etc.If you're the parent of an adult with autism - or an adult with autism yourself - can you help this mother? Should she simply accept the terms presented by her son - or is there a good way for her to communicate more authentically without pushing her son away?It seems to me that I either let him dictate the terms of our relationship or don't have one with him at all.
Is there a middle ground that stops me feeling stone walled?
Comments
I, too, am the mother of an adult autistic child. While all autistic people are different, one constant theme among all of them is the need to control their environment. Relationships tend to fall under the rubric of environment because other people are found within the environment. To remove unpredictability from their world (the best surprise is no surprise), they try to control it and everything in it, including people.
All autistic adults (and kids for that matter) need to learn to self-monitor their autistic behaviors, and since control is one of them, it might be helpful to try (the operative word is “try”) to have a conversation with your son within the context of trying to self-monitor behaviors (like control) associated with autism. I do this with my son all the time and it seems to work, simply because he understands how important it is to model neurotypical behavior in a neurotypical world. After 10 years, I have found this continues to be a work in progress, but like everything else with autistic adults and children, we need to constantly explain the need for appropriate behavior in all social situations, including those with us, their parents.
What makes parenting of an autistic adult child different from parenting a neurotypical child is that teaching social skills is a lifelong endeavor for us, so we must constantly model and discuss what is appropriate behavior in all social situtions. In order to effectively teach the social skill, one must first identify the autistic behavior (control) as being socially inappropriate in an attempt to avoid conflict, otherwise the teaching moment is lost and all that remains is a conflict.
I hope this helps! As parents of autistic adults, we have a whole other set of issues to deal with, and the need to remain our child’s social skills educator is in some ways more critical than ever, simply because their ability to hold down a job may be dependent upon the acquisition of skills we continue to teach them.
Most of my young adult friends with autism are not independent and few hold a good job like your son. His ability to function so well in society is certainly a testament to your parenting and his giving a good effort. Kudos to both you and your son!
In my humble opinion, your son’s responses to your well-intentioned advice and his resistance to your sharing your emotions has more to do with his being a young adult male than it has to do with his autism. I have two young adult sons, a husband, three brothers, and four young adult nephews. Although all of these men are wonderful folks, there are two things that make them uncomfortable or even a bit angry: (1) a woman telling them they are anything but perfect, and (2) a woman talking about emotions or emotional issues. Believe me, my long-time experience with lots of men in my family has taught me that, from the male perspective, any hint of a gentle suggestion to change something or to do something is considered nagging and hen-pecking. And from the male perspective, any discussion about emotions makes them squirm and wish they were fishing. So, over the years, I’ve finally learned to just relax, realize I can’t change any of them, avoid all “nagging” and emotional conversations, and accept my buddies just like they are. As a result, my boys and husband and brothers and nephews all enjoy hanging around and have quit finding excuses to leave the house.
A number of my friends who have young adult sons with autism have chosen to adopt that same attitude because we could see that even young men who were non-verbal or who needed a great deal of help in their daily lives were resistant to over-protection and emotional expressions by their moms and female therapists, teachers, etc. starting at about age 12. We call that the “Back-Off Mom” strategy. Give it some thought. Rather than thinking of it in “all or nothing” terms – i.e. “either let him dictate the terms of our relationship or don’t have one with him at all” – think of it from the perspective of “Given that my son is independent and has a job and has autism and will resist my suggestions and is uncomfortable with talk about emotions, what can I do to help develop a friendly, cordial, joyful relationship with my son?”
Best wishes.
Cathy Knoll
http://FAQautism.com
I have a daughter that is austic And she also holds a job , goes to college ect. She and I have a great relationship and she tells me everything. sometimes good and sometimes bad, anyways I know she feels like everone is trying to tell her what to do . Of corse we aren’t but I think that’s the way she precives it. If it’s not life shattering let it go .
Also, another thing to keep in mind if he functions really well on the outside world , you’ve got to think how hard that is for him to keep it together and when he gets home he doesn’t want to be bothered . He also knows that no matter what you’ll love him and except him for him .
Hello, I am a high functioning autistic adult….unfortunately I have no friends or family to be social with and cannot tell you how to reach out to your son….I have read many articles on autism and coping with it and I would like to remind you that although it is considered a medical condition and medical practitioners can try to ‘fix’ it, to your son it is just reality…in his mind there is nothing to change or fix…everything we do to make things more normal does not compute with me and many others. While I feel left out and alone most times it is when I feel the most normal and relaxed. He may nnot share the same reactions and external joys as otheres but I guarantee if you are showing love and respect for his world then you may find he will reach out to include you in it. good luck I hope you both will succeed in your relationship. Nik
Hey,I know it can be frustrating and I use the
approach of finding a path to any of my sons
problems.Sometimes they are not direct paths and I take my time getting there.If you take your time and not overload his thought process you can interject your advice into other conversations.Start out with just a few words on the subject.Maybe its while your watching a movie ( find the right movie)or driving in the car.Point out the behavior in others but in small sound bites , don’t overload him…the listening switch will turn off.Catch him in a good mood,get a sense of humor and put it into laughter.
Some of the things you know he’s going to deal with down the road ,so get a jump start,let him know whats to come . Always talk about other peoples behavior around you.You’ll love it when he thinks he has done the right thing all on his own.
What ever his thing is,trains,history,drawing,get into his world enjoy it together and then you can open his eyes to yours.
I’m looking for Nik, who commented on this discussion earleir this year. My son is also an autistically impaired adult who has no friends and I’d like the two of you to connect if possible.