Your Advice Requested - Handling BIG Emotions and Asperger Syndrome
Take a young teen with Asperger syndrome. He may look an awful lot like his typical peers, managing school rules with ease; doing well with academics; even handling gym and music without much trouble. Then, something hits him wrong - a change in routine, an unexpected remark from a peer, a substitute teacher. When that happens, a teen with AS can simply break down in tears.
How do you manage the overwhelming anxiety that triggers big emotions over small changes? There are simple stress busters - tricks like deep breathing, counting, or stepping away from the situation - but it's not always easy to remember those tricks in the heat of the moment.
Can you offer any tips or hints that have worked for you, your child or your student with Asperger syndrome? What helps when you're suddenly overwhelmed?
Comments
What I did as a child and teenager is not necessarily what I recommend. The point is to do something that diffuses or diminishes the emotionality by placing emotions on the activity. In my case it was music, both vocal and piano. I poured my emotions into both of these activities. I even went through a time when I sort of cleaned obsessively. I also, since I lived in a rural area in the mountains, investigated the surrounding hills and meadows in the summer.
My lack of ease with people became more manageable since I was immersed in things other than my own emotions. I still made my share of social gaffes, a lot of them, and to my father it seemed I had no friends, but I actually did because we were in the same activities — maybe they too were Asperger’s in a day when Asperger’s was not known. I was not “A” class to be sure because I wasn’t invited to be a “Sub Deb.”
Not because of my looks for sure because I was very attractive. I remember looking at some of the more popular and less attractive very popular kids, wondering what it was that drew people to them. I was at that point not capable of empathy and sensing what others were feeling. I was pretty focused on myself.
Because of where I lived and my family’s standing in the community, I had two life-long friends I had known since I was 3 or 4 who probably put up with me because how I was was how they expected me to be and I was sort of a habit.
I was never mean nor trouble-making except for three or four occasions. When I got into trouble, it was by following along with some not very smart but not illegal things like going for a walk by myself in Washington, DC, and not telling anyone what I was doing — I was positively amazed when I saw that all my classmates were gathered in the elevator in a state of anxiety and panic. I think that’s how Asperger’s kids and adults often get into “trouble” — not thinking or being “flattered” into doing something by someone with their own set of motives — being used in other words.
I’ve had problems with that as an adult as well. Have to watch myself. I sometimes got attached to persons who were less than what I truly wanted for myself. Only recently I divested myself of a person who was fun to be with but was a “user” of others, financially and otherwise. I used to permit people to become attached to me whose main motivation was using my financial means, not because of true friendship.
The typical adolescent’s brain development is still a work in progress…the AS factor certainly adds a whole new dimension. I was officially diagnosed w. AS at the age of 50! Here is what I do. I realize when some thing of the nature you described is starting to create an inner “melt down”. I focus more on my own feelings and behavior that the other person/persons. I realize at that moment that I need some space and time (especially time) to think back on the other ways of interpreting what was actually going on. I know that during the “event” I really can’t tell what is happening; the other person’s intentions, etc. I get my self a way “it” ASAP. I try very hard not to obsess about “it”, which is quite a challenge. I have some one I can trust to help me process the event. In a couple of days, some times longer, it shakes out a bit, and I can then re-examine and re-frame what happened.However; I must add here, that these types of encounters are VERY traumatic and stay with me.
I appreciate the keen insights of the folks who’ve commented on Lisa’s post from the insider’s view.
I agree with Lisa about this “myth” of lack of emotions. Most of my friends with Asperger syndrome do, indeed, have very intense emotions. I’m not certain if they are more emotional than their peers, but their reactions are different than their peers in two ways: trigger points and responses.
1. Different trigger points. Nearly all my friends with Asperger syndrome – children, teens, and adults – get stressed over unusual issues. For example, many teen girls get upset when they are the objects of gossip or they blow-up when their parents give them advice about clothing or friends. One of my teen friends with AS, “Lisa,” has a major emotional meltdown when the swimming pool opens late. Another friend, “Michelle,” explodes when her guitar string breaks.
Lisa and Michelle are more focused on small details of objects and schedules while their more typical peers are more focused on relationships with other people.
2. Different responses. To continue with the example of Lisa and Michelle, most teen girls show their anger or hurt by pouting, by spouting a tirade of hurtful and critical words, or by crying uncontrollably. Lisa shook the gate of the pool very hard and refused to get back in the car, even after learning the pool was unexpectedly closed for the day for repairs. Michelle started pulling out drawers and looking under furniture and inside file cabinets for a new guitar string. When she realized a new guitar string was not available, she became very agitated, pacing the floor and rocking and swinging her guitar. She did not relax until we got in the car to go purchase a new string for her guitar.
Lisa and Michelle did not use many words, but their physical response was very intense, long-lasting, and not easily stopped. Their typical peers certainly have intense, long-lasting “tantrums,” but their responses are more word-based and focused on trying to hurt or sway another person.
So, those are just some thoughts from this corner of the world.
+ Cathy Knoll
http://FAQautism.com
@ Cathy Knoll
absolutly agree with your words, i know this situations
and i always laugh about this myth. every aspie that i know has the same intense emotions like non-aspies. some people may have a different way to show this.
as a designer who has been always a big art&music-lover since the age of 2 i manage those situtions with taking a step back and composing music/or just listen to music or drawing/desiging new stuff and in a directly situation i think of art, pictures of art that i like helps me to overcome this. art is a cure.
i know a few kids with aspergers who are art-talented, and their parents are going on with them much better since the discovered that they have the same – like i call this”inbuild stress reducer”. and their social skills are getting better and better.
a friend of mine use to carry a stone in his pocket -the stress free stone- that is a big help for him. there are many ways… and everyone has a different one…
http://www.leonaut.com/
(the autistic-social news portal)
Can’t really add much here except thanks for confirming, sharing and helping to understand to all!
I know why people with autism are said to have fewer emotions. They are quite emotional when it comes to themselves — if they can’t get something they want, they often get upset and angry. I agree with the person who said there’s a big difference in the kind of emotion.
On the other hand, typically developing children and adults also get upset about what’s happening with others. They are often tuned into the nonverbal world and can worry about messages they were receiving from others.
In other words, there are many people with autism who are sensitive to things happening to them — but much less to things happening with others.
Cyn
Thank you for putting in text what I have to repeat to everyone I ever talk to about AS. I am so sick of this “if you can’t see it or understand it it isn’t there” mentality about the way Aspie emotional structures work. In my own experience Aspies have heightened sensitivity in ALL regards – emotionally, sight, smell, touch, etc. I wish more people would wake up and realise it.
In answer to your question – I probably didn’t handle things as well as I could have as a kid, since I had a reputation for a temper.
However, I have always written stories and that was always my release. If you write about social interactions between characters which are entirely within your control, it helps to develop the understanding of how to deal with those situations yourself – or so I found it. It’s not a case of escaping the real world…more a case of putting that emotion to constructive use and more importantly, by doing so, plotting out what happened and how to avoid the situation again.
Not a perfect solution, but it helped me.
My kids aren’t the anxious types, but I did run across some very good teaching tools for anxiety here:
http://www.anxietybc.com/parent/complete_home_tool_kit.php
Thanks for bringing this topic up. I get so frustrated when I hear the myth that people with Asperger’s Disorder don’t have emotions. In my experience as a therapist, I’ve found that’s ridiculous! Asperger’s is a social interaction disorder, not an antisocial or non-empathic disorder. Many of the kids I work with are extremely sensitive, they’re struggling with reading subtle signals and following unspoken rules. They are not unfeeling.
Because many people on the autistic spectrum are concrete and visual thinkers, I find concrete and visual techniques can be very helpful in managing emotions. Kids (and adults) can work to visualize an image, such as a physical space, a calm scene, a moving clock hand, an inhaling person, anything to get across the idea of taking a brief break to calm down. Some of my more mathematical clients do well with the image of a graph or gauge moving down to a calmer space. Experiment, for example if you’re calmed by a floral smell, try to imagine that when upset.
Most important, these techniques take practice. Try to imagine these images when you’re feeling calm and then they’ll be more available when you’re upset.
my daughter is aged 10, she is very deep with her emotions, and a negative comment can reduce her to tears and rages.
i can spend hours in a day being positive, with her being so low and with her wanting to end her life. I think AS young people to experience emotions more extreme as they cannot control them.
Yes art and music is good for relaxing, but remember most AS kids are visual learners, and a visual relaxtion is as important, i use lights lava lamp , fish tank, ( white noise of the motor is excellent too, dulls sudden noises on a quiet night, plus she sleeps better.
I thank you for this artical,I needed advice myself for my 10 year old son. However i am conserned with the fraze “focosed on them selves”.I’ve known plenty of people who are “self absorbed” and that is NOT my son.I find aspi adults and kids alike unable to understand social ques or situations, but not self absorbed. For my sons querky frustrations i try to pull him away for the situation altogether for a bit THEN i talk to him about it. My hope is that he will at one point remeber to do this on his oun.Another point of advice i could give is if he see’s me staying calm in any situation he will try to stay calm too
I am the mother of 3 young boys, one with aspergers aged 7, and find that exercise is a fantastic de-stressor for him especially. We now own a trampoline and go for bike rides and to playgrounds. Also we have meditation cds he listens to as well as book cds for quiet time. If suddenly overwhelmed sending him on an errand or simply removing him from the situation works as well – he can go to our quiet front room to read or our lego area.
I am a single mom with 3 children one age 7 with ADHD and Posible aspergers as well. He fits the criteria perfectly.We are dealing with lack of social skills and defiancy at school. He has a 1 on 1 teacher and can not cope in a classroom setting. The noise and commotion drives him crazy. He will get out of his desk frequently or make strange noises to tune out the others and can be very rude and disruptive.
I am glad to have found this site as it is helping me understand my son better.I have a question.Where does a person start to get there child diagnosed (family doctor)? specialist or school councellor??
I have a 13 year old son with AS- hea has been in early intervention since birth because he was a 1lb. preemie-his diagnosis came at age 3 when i believed he had somethin g more than just ADHD. To answer your question about diagnosis-we started with his pediatrician when my aunt actually read about it on google!-she called me and said that Joey fit 100% of the criteria-his pediatrician referred us to a neurologist and than another Asperger specialist to confirm. It has been on heck of a ride-but there is progress all the time-although it can be 1 step forward and 1000 steps back at times! Now that is a teenager going through puberty-I am in a completely different realm-for the first time in a long while I do not know how to handle the extreme hurtful lashouts, the obsessive behavior, and his temper because they have increased since puberty-I worry about his self esteem and his well being so much-any suggestions?
for us… it is so important to get a decent night’s sleep… so, no technology after 7:pm, followed by a bath w/ music playing & lavender sprayed on the sheets & pillow…
I rub her back & pray for her. She does her Bible reading at night, which seems to relax her & get her to sleep. (She is 12, and, yes, puberty has brought it’s own set of new challenges.) PRAY FOR YOUR CHILD!
My son is 9 & was diagnosed at age 7 with Aspergers & Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. His teacher noticed differences & routed us through the school psychologist who tested him & gave him a “likely ASD” diagnosis which allowed us access to help from the “Regional Center” in our area (we live in CA). The regional center sent us to UC Davis Mind Institute which is where we ultimately were given the diagnosis. We had approached our pediatrician on multiple occassions, but he took a “boys will be boys” attitude – we dealt mostly with tantrums & anxiety. We also tried a therapist, but she couldn’t pinpoint it for us & suggested “trying medication” to see if things would improve which is not something I was open to at age 4 & 5. Anyway this was our path to diagnosis. Now we are still looking for the appropriate kind of help in dealing with frequent outbursts both at school & home. He can get quite panicked over “little” things and becomes very mean and angry. I don’t always know how to calm him back down and frankly the toll it is taking on our family of six (he’s the oldest of four kids) is exhausting and hurts my heart. Any recommendations as to what kind of professional can help us & how I can help him learn to calm down when he becomes frustrated or disappointed or angry? Thanks!
Ok all of you. I am in my 30s. I have only been recently formally diagnosed (3 years) with Aspergers. I had to self diagnose by looking up things on the internet and bringin myself to the doctor. I had always known that there had to be a name to my experiences and knew that there must be other people out there who would understand what I was experiencing and going through. Think about this – I cried when I read in someone else’s words on an Autism / Asperger Forum what I had always wanted to express in words but never knew how. I felt relieved and happy for that person for having that ability and opportunity to share and connect with others and achieve a breakthrough.
and I totally disagree with the myth that all who have Aspergers are non-empathetic and are “just focused in on themselves”.
I feel emotions deeply – my own AS WELL AS OTHER PEOPLES !!! Most overwhelming when it happens all at once and I can’t identify what the emotion is (because of the shear volume of it) – and have to think logically through to remember how regular people deal with this kind of emotion (once identified).
I remember in my primary school years watching as someone slipped and fell on the auditorium stage during the school play – and remember how in MY HEART – I FELT on behalf of that fellow student an OVERWHELMING sense of DYING OF EMBARRASSMENT. The feeling of dying of embarrassment was so heavy I felt like I was sinking.
I remember initially not knowing what that emotion was exactly, but I experienced and felt it in an OVERWHELMING volume and capacity. I quickly made all efforts to recognize what emotion that was (after having experienced that emotion again and matching that with the situation and circumstances in which I experienced it) and then finally had a label to it.
After I recognized what that emotion was I quickly wanted to shield anyone I could from having to experience that emotion unnecessarily.
Feeling an emotion 10 times more deeply than others (which I found out after quizzing all my friends and finding out that the level of emotion they experience may not be as great in some situations) made me more empathetic because I know just how much something hurts. And as I said would try to shield people from bad experiences and also made sure to celebrate with those who had a happy experience.
Any comments ? Please Share.
Kat
The best help for me if all of a sudden I feel overwhelming emotions regarding a certain situation is if you
1) Acknowledge : Yes Kat, you are feeling overwhelming emotions right now and you may not be able to explain what they are but that is okay. eg. I understand you feel frustrated that you were all motivated and prepared to practice your guitar right now and now your guitar string broke, which broke your rhythm and now you can’t find a spare guitar string anywhere in the house. Well we have a few options. I’m not going to rush you, I’m just going to give you some options listed to help you cope and deal with these emotions in a healthy way. I’m not going to yell at you or judge you. I recognize that these emotions aren’t going to settle just because I yell at you so I’m not going to express heightened emotion myself and add more to your emotion bombardment. I am here for you, you can trust me that I am willing to try and understand the best I can, I won’t change my perception of you (don’t worry I’ll not accept you) and I will continue to try help you solve this in a healthy way : Can we do some other activity such as (suggest one) in the meantime to release the pent up energy that was ready to be devoted to guitar playing or I can help you solve this by explaining that not finding a guitar string can be simply solved by buying one at the store and then outline with me the logistics involved and how much time it would take from this moment, finishing what I am doing, getting ready, choosing the store, driving to the store, buying the guitar string, returning from the store, preparing me for what to expect because I just can’t handle another unexpected moment just yet. i just need things in concrete terms – eg. all preparation and process of buying the guitar string will take 40 min thereabouts. Or help give me voice to what I am feeling. eg. “I feel very frustrated that I set aside some time too, and was all ready, motivated and prepared to practice my guitar and then the string breaks unexpectedly, and now I’m thrown off schedule and I look around and I can’t find a new string either. And now I’m not sure what I need to do to solve this situation and deal with things in a healthy way because these feelings right now are very heavy and overwhelming. I just want to know that you recognize that these feelings I feel are real feelings. And want to know that you know that I just want to know and do what it takes to proceed with the best way to solve this situation in a healthy way.” And then you go through the step by step.
I have seen others in an overwhelmed situation and have (since I know what it feels like in part, to help them through their situation)
Any Comments ? Please Share.
Kat