Who Are Our Autistic Children's "Friends?"
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All this sounds pretty benign; in fact, it sounds terrific. Here was Tom in a self-contained community of kids all of whom could think of one another as friends. And, as friends, they could practice all those critical social skills that were so tough for each of them.
But the truth was that very few of these kids were really Tom's friends in the usual sense of the word. Not one of them ever asked him to his home. Not one sent out a birthday invitation - not even after they'd been invited to Tom's party. One drove Tom crazy with his constant repetition of a favorite phrase. Another had severe behavior issues that made Tom anxious. A third frankly ignored Tom completely. Being a group of kids with autism meant that they were as socially delayed - or even more delayed - than Tom was himself.
This year, we're homeschooling. Recently, we took a trip back to our old haunts, to visit friends and family. Tom's typically developing sister was anxious to see old pals. Tom was anxious to avoid his. In fact, he made it very plain "I do NOT want to see my friends!"
Right now, Tom has no individual child he can point to as a "friend." He has acquaintances down the street, adults he gets along with beautifully, and a few homeschooled boys with whom he's friendly when we get together. He's discovered that it's fun to play with little kids - and that they laugh at almost anything.
It occurs to me that we may be doing our children with autism a disservice by presenting them with the idea that anyone in our classroom must - simply by being present - be a friend. What could be more confusing than having friendship shoved down your throat as a school requirement?
In fact, since our kids tend to be developmentally delayed - and in some cases more comfortable with adults than with kids - are we doing them a disservice by insisting that "friends" be same-age peers? After all, once they're out of grade school, their relationships are likely to include folks of all ages - in a wide range of settings.
What's your thought on this issue? Who are our autistic children's friends?
Comments
My son is in inclusion, but get’s social skills class twice a week. He has been invited to a peers birthday party, a few in fact. The whole class was. But I don’t have the kid you can just drop off at a party- I call and ask if I could stay.
This is a very interesting topic. Here’s a twist: explaining to a child like mine who does think all are friends, that some are not nor are nice. My son has always done better with the older kids, or ones who are the leader while playing. My kid is the follower and needs that direction from the peer. At the same time, these kids who my kid thinks are his friends, get’s him into trouble. The same old “do this” and of course my kid does…. and trouble follows. My son has no one he can really call a friend except for one child from his school who also has autism, and he’s 13 years old. They get along pretty well and when that boy leaves to go home, my kid wants hi back and to move in
My son was also held back, so his class peers are all a year younger than he is and this school groups grades so next year he’ll be 3rd/ 4th graders leaving an opportunity to have different ages peers. On a slightly funnier note, one boy who will again be in my sons class next year is a grade higher than my son and is not a nice kid, but my son turned 9 before he did and really through this other boy. He thought he was only picking on the younger kids, turns out he’s been picking on the older kid hehehe.
I don’t insist on same age peers. A friend is a friend and if there’s a special friend, their age wont matter to me.
Now, as in 1975, there is no etiology for regressive autism. Colitis was then and is still a common physical problem in autistic children. Information that treating sleep apnea treats reflux (Literature) and also treats gastrointestinal ailments (Anecdotal) facilitated devising etiologies for brain injury, colitis, uric acid, diabetes, reflux and ear infections, conditions associated with regressive autism. These etiologies (1) contain five events, four of which are common with the etiology of sleep apnea.
Severity of colitis is related to the duration of bottle feeding (2) (First event) and colitis attacks can be caused by many factors, including respiratory infections (3) (Second event). Sources of respiratory infections can be natural or ‘man made’, but exposure to vaccines is mandated.
It seems that avoiding bottle feeding and certain vaccines would reduce both the incidence of regressive autism and the ailments associated with it.
Your son may well consider those other kids friends at some level, and they may feel the same way about him. I would wager that’s the case, based upon my own childhood experience with similar groups.
You are looking at those kids from your non-autistic perspective, which is not necessarily how the kids see one another.
Kids with autism have limited emotional sensitivity to others. That means that attachments are slower to form, and they may seem more tentative or even non-existant until quite a lot of time passes. But don’t make the mistake of assuming they are not there. In most cases, I’d wager they are.
You may be interested in the research I am doing in this area with the folks from Harvard - you can read about it on my blog. It’s fascinating.
My son has no friends, and all too many times in IEP meetings have I corrected people when they talk of his “peers”…he has no true peers, he only has other students the same age as he is, but there is nothing more in common with them than that. He hangs out with his brothers’ friends at home, but as far as his own, well his autism, being non-verbal and having a tic disorder with both vocal sounds as well as gross motor tics makes it difficult for others to want to get close to him.
As far as having friends goes, the movie Radio and what some of the football team players get “Radio” to do, such as going into the girls’ changeroom is not so far from the truth in real life. My son has been asked to do stuff like that when his S.E.A. is standing off from a distance a bit, them knowing she can’t hear them. It’s their body langauage that tips her off that something fishy is going on and she will investigate. However, it is sad that such a person has to monitor those “friendship” behaviours when the only reason she is really there for is to make sure my son doesn’t run off.
Although my son is considered moderate to severe on the autism spectrum, he knows what it means to have a real friend. It’s too bad others don’t.
Caroline
I think it’s important to distinguish between ‘friends’ and ‘acquaintances’. Most normally developing children do this on their own. They are aware that when the teacher says ‘friends’ at school, this means their classmates and it means that they must be cordial to each other, but not necessarily include everyone. To a child on the spectrum, it is difficult to distinguish between the two and thus, two different words are needed and they need to be defined clearly. ‘Peers’, in the educational setting, has come to mean only the children of the same age - not necessarily other similarities.
Try this exercise: Discuss your older child’s ‘friends’. Point out which ones are the ‘friends’, which are the ‘acquaintances’ and which are the ‘peers’. Being able to classify people in your child’s own life will help him to function later on.
I have two sons with autism. The elder of the two was asked when he was 13, while being diagnosed actually, what he thought a friend was? He could not answer that question although he has had a good and true friend from being 3 years old. At 13 he still had no idea what being a friend meant. He is now almost 21 and he can tell you now what being a friend means. He still has the same friend only now my son realises that his friend would, from time to time, like something from him and not just to give all of the time. Now that my son has finally realised what friendship is about he is a good friend himself. It was a long time coming, and my son has never been a social butterfly and never will, but the point is that he did learn what being and having friends really means.
The younger is a social butterfly and he has many ‘friends’ at the moment but none are what I would call real friends. That said they are no more friends with any of the other local children than they are with my son. My son is 11 and his friends are aged between 8 and 11. Although the youngest is the social butterfly of the two I do worry that as he becomes older his ‘friends’ will move on and leave him behind.
Including a child in a mainstream classroom does not mean that they will find or make friends. Friendship is, in my opinion, a two way street and for some children with autism it takes time for them to understand what having friends really means. This does not mean that it wont ever happen. But I for one do not think that it is wise to push a young person until they are ready to take that step.
I also home school and we spend a great deal of time practising social skills in the hope that they will help our sons as they mature and make their way through life.
That ‘limited emotional sensitivity to others’ goes both ways. A child with autism, and in speaking of my own child, doesn’t recognize a bully when one is picking on him. Even when he get’s into trouble, he doesn’t ‘get’ why he’s in trouble. And because my kid can anticipate body language, I’ve watched the bully come inches from my kids face with a punch and my kid didn’t move a bit to get out of the way. He still thinks this boy is nice and a friend.
I think from a non-autistic perspective, some kids will have trouble with actual friendships or knowing what it really means because social situations can be tough, tough on just any kid too. Then you have a kid who tries so hard, they end up in that ‘friends’ bubble. I see my kid do this often as he’s trying to figure out his social situations. Some kids latch onto a peer as well to the point of annoyance.
My kid is in inclusion, meaning the opportunity is there for friendships of typical peers. Yet my son’s closest thing to a friend is the 13 year old boy from his school who also has autism. Our neighbor girl when she was younger was a good friend to my son, however at that age my son had not a clue what a friend was or ever used the word. This girl was the most patient, understanding and best redirecting child I have ever seen. Most kids would not play games only the way the other kid wanted to, or put up with all those meltdowns. She did. In those younger years of my child, she was the best helper and example I was able to use and worked well with the RDI we do. She has since ‘out grown’ playing with my 9 year old tho and it’s very hard to explain where she went this year to my son.
I think that many children with autism are extremely sensitive to the emotions of other children and to make a blanket statment such as John does that “Kids with autism have limited emotional sensitivity to others” is also looking at these children from a “non-autistic perspective.” Of course, this should be acceptable since this is the only perspective people without autism have. My son (PDD) was seriously bullied throughout all his years at school and yet has repeated invited others into his life in an attempt to make friends. So far, he has been met with outright rejection (at best) and has even been tormented for doing so. Frankly, I get sick of this society that seems to promote materialism and bullyism as “normal” behaviors while heaping the blame for social failure on people with autism having “limited sensitivity to others.”
I am new at posting here, but have read the articles and posts for a few months now. I find this site very informative and helpful since my son was diagnosed with HFA in March.
My son is almost five years old and will be starting kindergarten in the fall (despite our attempts to fight this and keep him in preschool for another year for therapy which he is just NOW receiving). He is in a special needs preschool which he is thriving in, but doesn’t seem to care about friends. He has been in the same daycare since he was three months old, but has never formed an attachment with any of the kids there. Many of the children are having playdates, but he doesn’t get asked over to their homes and some of them openly call him “funny” because of his echolalia and stimming.
I know that he is young and will probably develop at least a few friendships. He just seems to prefer adults to kids. My husband (an aspie? never diagnosed) and myself are both quiet people, so we don’t expect our son to be a social butterfly. I just don’t want him to be picked on for being different.
My son is 14 and does not have any “FRIENDS” his cousins are the only ones who play with him. They sometimes stay away due to his behavior, which is on the age of an 8 to 10 year old. He is in regular education classes on level and he knows he is different and is beginning to be aware of his behavior. He does not like crowds and enjoys playing with younger children. I would try and force him to do things his peers were doing but I have come to realize that he is who he is and I am not going to puch him to do something that will cause him to be stressed. He is a very loving and caring boy who will be very successful in his own way. He starts high school in 08/09 and it will be difficult but with love and Gods guidence he will be fine, friends or not.
I have worked directly with students of various challenges and especially those with severe autism. I can tell you that building relationships with students with severe autism is a challenge, but having followed many of these students from elementary school to their adult years, they build unique friendships. Who become their friends? Those people who take the time to understand them, their challenges, their strengths, their unique qualities and who they are as opposed to who people want them to be. It takes time for some to build this rapport and for these students to trust their “friendship.”
So, like you said, the classmate may not become a lifelong buddy (how many of these childhood buddies do we have in our lives?), someone who will call them on the phone (my students are non-verbal) or do sleep overs, but those who take the time to “embrace who they are” and understand autism are what I consider friends. Having an open mind to unique friendships is vital to this perspective.
Yes, these friends might end up being older, but in some cases this might be necessary for them to handle (physically and mentally) the behaviors (sometimes safety issues and sometimes aggressive issues) that might be part of this friendship package.
I just wanted to pipe in another viewpoint.
Whether you feel that “peers”, “classmates” or “friends” is the term to use, one important item not discussed was the importance of educating “typical peers” who are interacting with these individuals with autism about what autism is, how it presents and suggestions on how to interact with those who have autism. Understanding sensory issues, sensory overload, visual learning etc., can help the classmates be more accepting. Yes, there will always be bullies, unfortunately, but to not educate classmates about autism is doing a disservice to the students with autism and their schoolmates. It helps to demystify some of the behaviors and characteristics autism presents. Of course, some might want to keep the diagnosis private which is your right, but keep in mind what doors of “friendship” or acceptance might open if kids are better educated about autism.
Regards,
Joanna K-V
www.AisForAutism.net
I think the answer to this question is as broad as the spectrum. I”d like to put forth another take on this question-What are the needs of a particular individual autistic or not that a friendship fulfills. I have seen my son with PDD-NOS acquire skills at the stage at which he was ready for such-We started in a small school where everyone invited the class to parties and had many camping outings available for families. Some children are safe and enjoy these experiences in their own way, others were not and even with adult and peer suport, it needed to be acknowledged these interactions were painful for the child with autism. As my son entered a huge high school and is in resource for supprot, he has gravitated toward a number of individuals who do not have IEPs but would be considered atypical in their social skills(Geeks, Nerds, Aspie-like etc are probably names they have heard before)-What we are discussing with parents and school at this level are the types of social units which are functional for them-job interviews, how to organize a pizza party, how to detect and avoid bullies, how to get driver’s licenses etc- It gives the group a direction and they have sought out the individuals with whom they have a bit of common ground-Again, these are “social skill lessons” and for my son, sometimes that is all the social he wants. He will call a friend for a movie or to hang with videos, hike etc but the friendship is not lacking for him or his “friend” as it works for them and provides them with someone to share even if in a parrallel plane. Just some thoughts-Day by day we learn something new-Mary
My 14-year-old grandson has been treated very well by kids at school but never invited to activities, etc. When we finally connected with another boy his age and functioning level for swimming, he could obviously feel the difference. Going home he sighed happily and said, “I think that X is my friend.” I think most people can sense when people are being nice to them as opposed to mutual enjoyment. Being treated nicely is very important too, but everybody needs a buddy or 2 who isn’t letting them win or being careful not to do or say the wrong thing, just enjoying being together. Finding the contacts is a problem though.
I wanted to say “Amen” to the above comment about educating other children on what Autism is (actually disabilities in general,not just Autism.) It is a reality and one in something like 150 children are diagnosed now? If it’s not going away, it needs to be addressed directly, it needs to be included in curriculum as small children I think. (As is non-bullying, good character in a lot of public schools.) Personally I would rather people know what my children are faced with and try to educate themselves on how to approach and deal with it.
My son is very content to be alone. However,
he does like a good party. Ever since he was
4 he has had the yearly Birthday Party.
Some years, we had to go to family friends
to find him children to attend his party.
Now at 16, he has 3 real friends he invites.
1 older, 1 younger and 1 his age from school. They love the fun of a party and pizza and rootbeer and movies. The kids love being invited to a party and getting goodie bags. The behaviors at 16 more closely resemble 9-12 year olds. But they have a great time. The same guys we have over 1 at a time at least 26 times throughout the year. Our house has a pool table, foosball, a trampoline, so if my son doesn’t talk much, ours at least is a fun place to be.
He values these guys, for the shared experiences they have. History helps build friends overtime.
i think about this issue everyday. someone needs to get involved with the schools and change some things concerning our children with autism. they really treat them like they are normal and should be able to do things that a normal child can do, it’s not working. i see it with my son as soon as he gets close to a peer in special ed, he gets seperated from that peer. i always wonder if the school don’t let these kids bond, how are they going to make a close friend in life that will help one another. the normal kids get to build relationships that last for along time. my son is always with me, i play with him, i do everything that he wants to make him happy but he is not getting the idea of a friendship. he has no clue on how to call a friend and chat. he never talks about his so call friends. but the school paints a pretty picture about how my son gets along with other peers. this isn’t right. they should add to their kids agenda for the day another kind of help or support or therapy, not pushing the kids about meeting their goals and fill out paperwork.
My PDD child has many “normal” friends, thanks in large part to a local church, which holds a weekly friendship meeting for the developmentally disabled. High school and middle school disabled kids are paired with members of the church’s youth group. They meet, connect and participate in group activites like bowling, obstacle courses, making sundaes, dances, etc., one night each week during the school year. The disabled kids benefit immensely from having real, regular connections with many people they can recognize as “friends”. The youth group members are generous people, motivated by God and their peers, supported greatly by the church and its adult mentors.
When my daughter graduated from high school, she had 20-30 “normal” kids come to her graduation party. We were shocked, in a very good way! Most of the kids were from the church youth group, and the rest were friends of those kids from my daughter’s school. They gave her cards, gifts, their telephone numbers, so many kind words, and acceptance by her peers (something a parent, as much as we want, can never provide). The friendships from that program were a true blessing.
I have to agree with John Elder Robison who mentions that we aren’t looking at friendships the same as our children with autism do. My son was diagnosed with having Asperger’s Syndrome this year by a psychologist. He is in his Senior kindergarten year of school. He had some limited interaction with children in his kindergarten class as I would often see him playing on his own or being teased by the other kids in his class, still he called them all his friends. One child in particular who was the problem child the bully of the class often would pick on him and he would call my son his friend when he spoke to his mom and my son would call him his friend. I tried not to complain to much cause I realized that no matter what this child was a friend to my child. Unfortunately just after New Years we moved away from the area where his school was and the psychologist felt he should be in a school for kids with special needs. We had concerns about this. We decided to homeschool him instead. Also we found that although he liked school he was regressing with it. He would come home and not talk to anyone, would sit in the bedroom and watch movies and ignore his sister who loved to play with him. He is so different out of school. He is pretty “normal”. Still though getting back to the friendship issue. I use to think in my head that alot of the kids in the class were just bullies but my son talked of them fondly all the time and still does. On his last day of school the teacher gave him a big card that had each childs name with a comment on it. They all had one nice thing on it that they would miss him for. The knock knock jokes were a big one but there were other things that touched me as I read them out loud to him I felt tears welling up. I feel that there is a point where I have to let go and let my son be the judge of who his friends are. It’s so hard to not pass judgement but my son is probably a better person for not passing judgement. He overlooks things that most people in society wouldn’t. I think to some degree he lacks the ego that we all have that holds us back from so much. We are going to work on getting him one good friend this summer or fall but are in no rush currently as he and his sister are very close. She is three and he is five but they look like twins and interact very well together.
My son and I have a wonderful group of families/friends that have children of all ages. Oddly enough, only one other with special needs. Nonetheless, my 8 yo. son get’s an ample dose of play time with children ranging in ages 5 to 15. And all of my son’s friends are crazy about him. I think the biggest factor for successful friendships is teaching your child that differences are what makes people special and to love ones self as well as others. My son’s friends understand that he is speech delayed and develpmentally delayed. All of these things have been explained. What’s most important to all of our friends is that we are fun and carefree. That we don’t worry about “Autism” or anything else. We just do our thing and invite you to come along.