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My son was diagnosed at age 31 with Asperger's. He suffers from depression and anxiety. He is a college student and lives in a condo his father and I bought. I get so frustrated trying to talk to him. He argues with everything and "whines" constantly. He insisted on getting a cat so I had the cat neutered and declawed. I explained the cat would stay inside but he let him out and that was three days ago. He has a gas credit card and I explained that the card is for gas only but he charged food and drinks. I explained it to him again and guess what? He totally ignored me. I took the card away and he became sad that I don't trust him. Am I missing something here?Not being an adult with Asperger Syndrome - or having a grown child on the spectrum - I certainly feel for this mom, but can't offer helpful advice. Clearly there are communication issues here, and I'm guessing that the son in this situation would have a very different perspective on the conversations described.
If you're an adult with Asperger Syndrome, or the parent of an adult child with AS, can you offer any insights to this mom? Are there tools, resources or ideas that might facilitate communication?
When a young adult is dependent on parents, conflict often arises about issues related to money, pets, leisure time pursuits, and other daily living – whether the person is functioning on the spectrum of autism or not. This sweet mom and her sweet son are locked in a duel that appears to be fueled by several different issues.
1. Mom loves Son, and wants him to be happy.
2. Mom wants Son to be more responsible and to make more mature decisions.
3. Based on his actions, Son is not displaying the ability to make mature, responsible decisions while living independently.
4. Son’s depression and anxiety – which may or may not be related to his Asperger Syndrome – may be standing in the way of his being able to make mature decisions.
5. Mom is frustrated with some (or most) of Son’s decisions.
6. If we could talk to Son, he might well express frustration about Mom’s criticism or about her attempts to micromanage his life.
7. Mom doesn’t intend to micromanage Son’s life. She just loves him dearly and wants him to be safe, secure, and happy.
So, now we have come full circle. I have seen similar scenarios unfold in the lives of a number of young adult friends (with and without autism) and their families. The situation is complex, especially when the young adults are dependent on family members for rent, transportation, tuition, and/or spending money. It may be that, because of issues related to his anxiety and depression, this young man would not be safe if his parents did not provide financial support and daily contact. So his mom is offering lots of help, but the young man is not responding in a way that is acceptable to his mom.
I’d need to know more about the situation to make concrete recommendations, but here are a few thoughts and ideas that come to mind. Please know that I’m not trying to be judgmental – just sharing ideas that have worked for other families in similar situations.
1. Parents and other caregivers usually learn it is more productive to ignore arguments and whining. So, for example, if a dependent young adult says, “You never help me out, so I just don’t have any food,” the parent can respond calmly by saying, “You have $75.00 per week for groceries and food.” And leave it at that. It is usually counterproductive to jump into the middle of an argument or to try to convince the person that you are right and he is wrong.
2. Parents eventually learn to let some things go. For example, it won’t kill the young man if he does not brush his teeth or wear clean socks. He won’t die if he only eats macaroni and cheese morning, noon and night. If a young adult goes on and on about wanting a cat, and a parent gives in to that demand, then the parent has two choices. They can say, “You need to save your money and get your own cat.” If they choose to give him a cat, the parents need to accept the reality that the cat may escape since the young man has a history of poor self-responsibilities.
3. Over time, the parents learn to avoid the temptation to try to “make everything right” for their adult child. Micromanagement of the lives of our children, spouses, or friends rarely works, even under the best of circumstances. Things get REALLY complicated when anxiety, depression, and autism are added to the mix.
4. If she has not already done so, Mom may want to get professional help for Son’s anxiety and depression. A therapist can also help mediate some of the daily living issues that now cause conflict between Mom and Son.
5. Mom may want to consider backing off her management of daily details. Just make certain Son is safe, give him a certain amount of money ON A DEBIT CARD for gas, food, etc., then just leave him alone. It is very hard to back away especially knowing that he will stumble and fall a few times. But, in the long run, the arguments decrease when parents can let go.
6. If, indeed, Son needs some support in order to make it through daily life, Mom might consider hiring a “buddy” who can hang out with Son for several hours a day or on Saturday afternoons to help out as needed.
7. Just say “no.” In the long run, the young adult learns valuable lessons when parents don’t give in to demands, requests, and whining for more stuff or money or whatever. Long explanations and admonitions are not necessary. Just say no, then change the conversation to a more positive topic.
So, again, these are just some thoughts based on long-term relationships with adults functioning with autism and their families. Best wishes to both Mom and Son.
Cathy Knoll
http://FAQautism.com
CathyKnoll@gmail.com
While this young man “Won’t Die” if he doesn’t brush his teeth or comb his hair. He will have gray sludge across his teeth like my 40 yr old brother in law with Apergers, he will also have a similar potbelly, and the horrible rain of dandruff that will coat his shoulders and down the front of his shirt. And the smell that surrounds him like “pigpen” from the peanuts cartoon is overwhelming!!
I would never consider letting him have a pet or be responsible for another in any way. But, yes,she should be involved in his life as much as she can cope with it!