Your Advice Requested: How to Help People with Asperger Syndrome Handle Stress?

I hope you find a solution, because I am 52 year old aspie in a high sress job and I haven’t found a solution either… prozac made me “hyper” and interfered with coital climax, and another drug put me to sleep so badly I could hardly do mmy job. I have reached the point that when I am startled, the startle reaction is so intense that I shatter teeth or break bones or rip muscles off of the bones. In 20-20 hind-sight, I wish I would have made different choices early in life to avoid stressful, dangerous jobs, and I want to warn the two of them that they may need to do something, and take it seriously, to avoid ending up crippled like I am.

I have 2 sons and a husband with Asperger syndrome. Each is very different and I have managed to stay married for 27 years. Right now things are becoming overbariing for me and I am about to walk out on my family due to the behaviors of my 17 year old son. How can you help someone who refuses to talk to you, look at you or anything? He knows it bthers me and I feel this is his way to make me miserable. HE is violent (to me only) and has been committed. while in the hospital he was fine, but he does this to annoy me. How can I help someone who is behaving this way on purpose. He doesn’t wamt to stop his behaviors because he has power with these behaviors. At school he is an honor student and kids and teachers like him, but at home he is distructive and defiant. My husband is no help due to his AS, and his doctors don’t seem to have any answers either. He takes meds. but it doesn’t seem to matter. He has also placed porn pictures of himself on my computer,as if “giving me the finger”. Everything he does is for a purpose and he frightens me at times.HOW DOES A PERSON HELP AN AS TEEN WHN HE DOESN’T WANT IT.

PS: He has always been a wonderful child at home until he turned 17.

I think you better get outta there. I can’t imagine how you live with it. Please do something before you are my age, 62. My 43 yr old daughter, 40 yr old son and 18 yr old grandson live with me. You dont want this kind of life.

God bless you.

we try deep breathing and calming words with my son who has asd like RELAX out loud or keep calm and take a deep breath this also gives us time to think about what to do in a situation….
my son lashes out if he dosnt know what to do in a situation or if he dosnt like smells of people or places but he may just as well try banging at his chest first that gives us the clue he may not cope in a minute….medication has been precribed to help from the age of 12 epilim chrono a mood stabilizer has been used together with lorazepam with some success to shorten the episodes symbols are still sometimes required at 17…and an asd book planning to learn has some ideas to help cope with change we hope to get him to understand think and wait cards

I have found that supplements are very helpful. 5-HTP (a form of tryptophan) taken and night reduces anxiety but may make one sleepy. L-Theanine (an amino acid) helps one regulate moods during the day.
It helped my son so much that I’m giving it to the rest of the family on a regular basis.

I am now 51, live in Montreal, Canada and have high functioning autism, Tourette’s, personality disorder and secondary issues like coordination problems and severe sensory integration disorder. Although I was diagnosed with autism at age 3, I never had any special needs intervention at all because my parents went into denial and raised me as if I were “normal.” I spent my whole life struggling without any support in mainstream settings like a regular school as a kid, regular work and community life as an adult. At 51, I totally burnt out and can no longer push myself to work on learning anything.

My inability to tolerate change and stress is off the chart. All my life I was exposed to the same stress and change a normal person goes through, but just got worse at coping instead of better. I have severe anxiety, which is also getting worse with age. Coordination and other issues make household chores next to impossible. I struggled with them all my life because this city has no community support services at all for semi-autonomous adults with developmental disorders. Over the years I developed an intolerance for these frustrating chores. Doing them worsens my sensory issues and makes them spread to sounds, which normally don’t bother me the way tough, pain and bodily discomfort do. I can’t even try a few seconds of chores without blowing up.

I tried medication but don’t tolerate any of the drugs used to relieve anxiety and other behavior/emotional symptoms. All I get are side effects which my sensory issues turn into torture.

At my stage of burnout, I can’t tolerate the rigors of cognitive therapy or other modalities aimed at teaching clients to change the way they think.

The only way to calm my nerves and stop my meltdowns and other bad behavior is to get me out of this crazy, strife-ridden big city, relocate me to a small city with a warm, dry climate and provide me with chore assistance and other needed supports. Unfortunately, I can’t afford such a move and have work issues that would make it impossible to get and keep a new job. I am barely hanging on to the stressful job I now do.

I fault mental health services for ignoring the impact of environmental stressors on an autistic person’s life.
Marla Comm

I am interested in the comment from ‘boots’ re: supplements. How do you determine dosage?

I’m a mother of a 11 year old child whom i’ve been trying to get tested since she was 4years old they because of some learning difficulties that she was having in preschool she was finally tested in the 2nd grade they said that she has some problems learning her reading now is at a 4rth grade level and she’s very shy, she also paces the floor. She has some inapproprete behavers whaen she sitting down she rockes back and forth,her hygiene is’nt very good she does’nt follow simple commands, she just started urinating on her self and she can’t be around alot of people we have family funtions and she’ll go into a room and sit by herself sometimes in the dark. she gets so upset she gets in trouble alot at school for snapping out because someone is picking with her,her docter said that she has anxiety disorder,depression and add. My daughter is taking two medications abilify and lexapro,and i think thatshe’s not getting any better and i’m having a hard time getting a true diagnoses i really need help can anybody help me.

I am 46 and have Asperger’s and have a 16-year-old son with Asperger’s as well. Having a LOT of “down time” is very important to both of us, time where we can just relax (for us it is computer time, but any special interest will do.)

I cannot work a full-time job, and my son is homeschooled, because a full day at school is simply too stressful. These are things to consider when attempting to help someone with autism gain control of meltdowns. Handling the overall stress level in their lives is the MOST important thing in that regard.

A quick note to the mom who believes her teen is ignoring her, etc. on purpose just to irritate her, I would strongly urge you to restructure your thoughts about his motivations and see him as a child who is in need of HELP and unable to communicate this need in an appropriate manner. Please remember that autism is a developmental delay, and all our children are behind at least 3 years, maybe more. Your son still needs your understanding and care.

I have a 12 year old son with Aspe and we are very fortunate that he is happy and tolerant. Although, he has meltdowns and issues sometimes. These are usually due to sickness, he can’t find something or something isn’t right. He can accept change when we prepare him for it. He always seems up for the challenge when he has a test at school and usually pulls through it. But there are times when he is pushed to limit just like any of us are. He has been picked on (bullied) in Middle School and I’m afraid of what this year will hold for him. Middle school is a big social scene and he is socially challenged. I wish there was some way to make this easier for him. Middle school and High school can be a nightmare even to the everyday child.

I would also like to say, that even when you think they are being evil towards you, they just might be mocking the behavior they see in you or that you have directed towards them. We all get frustrated and act out or say things we don’t really mean. Be a good role model and also be forgiving. They need our help and they need us to do it calmly without over reacting.

Hi what ive done for my son’s one is autistic and the other is adhd is give them a routine board consisting of symbols and the words, so that it reduces some of their anxiety, if a routine changes i sit them down and slowly and clearly explain why the change or problem has arisen and then explain the solution, if they throw a paddy i stop them before they get too bad by saying stop or we do nothing, then i continue

Hello, sorry to hear of the stress in so many nuro typicals life. maybe some advice from hard life lessons, being married to an AS for 25 years, I have figured out a lot. Kim

They don’t intend to be cruel, though they are at times, they have very little ability to pre guess shame or embarrassment or even the thought that they may get caught and it seems as if they don’t care if you do find out. That said once they are told over a great length of time they may show some form of understanding but will never get it like you would hope.

So if you can remember that, Do so, if not, write it down, also they will agree with you when you don’t want them to. Such as: You did that on purpose didn’t you! ” Yes.” Just to upset me! Looking some what sad and confused “probably.”
So don’t play this with them. Only say what you want them to say, it is something like parroting. and you may spend years of your life now trying to change a thought you put in their head, if they trust you, they will believe the bad stuff you say.

Teens will copy what they see others do or say, an NT teen will know right from wrong Instinctively. An AS teen needs to be taught most moral issues, they usually can tell you what’s right and wrong, they just have a break down when it comes to the application of it. And it’s up to the most patient person with a tough skin to spend a great deal of time talking about or imitating/role playing good behavior. One thing I have found that works well is Changing your voice’ they can hear you sooner, you may still have to repeat the lesson, but not as many times.

Don’t come at them with too much information all at once.

Yes, say little then ask what they think your tryng to tell you, often you will be surprized, it ment something eles to them.

Tell them, not you, sorry.

My 14 year old daughter was just diagnosed with Asperger’s. I always knew something was strange about her but no one ever wanted to believe me. I had her tested and they couldn’t find anything. Now that she is in high school, the psychologist at the emergency room, figured it all out. Even though she has this, I keep getting a diagnosis of anxiety and depression. What shoudl I do?

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I also have a 12 y/o son w/Aspies. Regardless of how many programs he is in, the great schools he gets to attend, the many hours spent side by side trying to do ONE page of homework, it’s all frustrating at the end. I’m with the rest of you… the meds definately help with the anxiety, but sometimes that’s not enough. We love our children yet being in the pre-teen years and seeing the violent outbreaks, I am concerned for the rest of the families safty. As I am sure everyone else has said at one point or another, WHY ME?!?!?! lol….

I think I may have an ASD – probably Aspergers. I’m 32 years old, female and in full time employment with a history of depression, self harm and anxiety. I have a strong tendancy to fly off the handle in stressful situations and hit myself despite knowing it hurts my partner, I avoid social situations and you can count my friends on your fingers. I’ve done several Aspie tests online (I know they are not definative) and I always score highly towards Apergers and one of my previous psychiatric evaluations told me I was autistic (but his English wasn’t very good and I only saw him twice).

I want to get assessed because knowing what the problem was would be a relief to me even if there is no fix for it. My mother is against it and my therapist ignored my last request for assesssment. I don’t really know where to go or what to do but for me a diagnosis of anything would be a relief!

I was wondering if anyone noted an increase in Aspie “symptoms” / behaviours when under stress? I think I am pretty “normal” when I’m not stressed but i get stressed very easily and don’t deal with it at all well – rage, break things, hurt myself etc. Obviously that’s not “normal” behaviour but is it Aspie behaviour?

Have you found out?

I’m married 13 years to a wonderful man who has Aspergers traits. Yes, when he is under stress, the traits come out more. He either shuts down completely or reacts out of proportion. Have you considered having ’safe spaces’ that you can go to when stressed? A place in your home, a library, a hobby, etc. For my husband it’s alone time with books or computers. Be gentle with yourself, stress is hard whether or not you have AS.

What i’m reading is disappointing.
So many parents “fed up and exhausted”. “Why me?”
To live with AS is like having to play a game that you don’t like for your entire life, a game where you try your damndest to be a “normal” person. You feel guilty for being so f’d up that it drives you to the brink of insanity.

Most of you parents aren’t cut out for being parents to begin with. Like my mother with her own intense anxiety and mental disorders put me through one nightmare of a childhood and with no attempt to find just what the problem is, i’ve had to deal with this crap and get treated like im some other normal function person. Getting constantly told, “nothings wrong with you, you are just lazy, you lack initiative, you lack this”. Anything you say in your own defense is put off as an excuse and you get deemed the person with a faulty personality. Well you know what? Thats BS!
Just like looking at a person and realizing “wow it sure must suck to spend the rest of your life in a damn chair, i couldnt imagine how you keep yourself sane”.
Take a moment to realize, the people with AS don’t enjoy having it, and i can speak for myself when i say i don’t enjoy having suicide constantly looming over my head.

TRY HARDER WITH YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD OR DON’T HAVE CHILDREN!

May I ask how old you are? My grandson is 18 and I strongly think is has AS. Has any medication helped you?

Thanks.

Your some is taking advantage of you. Kick his ass out! He knows more about other peoples’ emotions than what he has been given credit for. He knows what buttons to push. It sounds like he has more problems than just Asperger’s. As long as he is under your roof, he does not have to deal with them. You are enabling him to not grow up. When he was little, he was treated special because of his AS. And he is still milking it for all its worth. Kick him out of the nest and find your own serenity. Focus on yourself.

i think the strategy of ‘tough love’ is quite valid here.

it is very important to stay very calm and easy.
do not create stress. perhaps make a joke, your son needs all his enegy at school and there fore needs lots of rest at home (that’s the way it is).

so try a different approach, accept it and be easy about it.
sorry for ad english i am from the netherlands.