Gender Bias and Autism Dads
Monday July 30, 2007
Christopher, a member of the About.com autism community, is an autism dad who is deeply involved in his son's life. He made this comment on a previous blog:
Have you ever been treated like a second-rate member of an IEP or school meeting? Of course, right? But how about a second-rate parent? Have you ever had to say, “Umm, I’m here too” or “Hey, I’m also the parent” when the faculty (in my case, all or predominately female) ignore you completely and speak to the other parent without acknowledging your existence. Or even worse, have you ever endured the cruel “Dad” jokes, when these so-called professionals assume the mother does all of the dirty work (cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking care of the child, therapies, researching, fighting school districts, etc.) while you escape to the normalcy of your 9-5?This comment rang surprisingly true to me - having heard almost the same thing from my own husband, Peter. Peter, who is self-employed and often a part of IEP meetings, field trips, and other "momlike" activities, has often commented on feeling that he's overlooked or ignored. Just as often, therapists and teachers will call, get him on the phone, and ask for me.
I'm guessing Christopher and Peter are not alone. Are you an autism dad who's coping with gender bias? Have you found effective ways to manage this - or is it just a part of the society we live in?
Comments
I am an autism dad but I do not experience gender bias. I am not saying it does not happen. It just has not happened to me.
I’m an autism dad, too. I do the IEP meetings solo *and* work a 9-5 and I’ve never encountered any bias from education professionals. Out in public just spending time with my son is another story.
Lisa,
I respect you. It took a lot of guts to go against the grain and publish this story.
Thanks.
I’ve not suffered from any significant gender bias. It was brought up, however, in a recent support group meeting that I attended, that there aren’t enough men involved in working with and caring for our ASD kids. Most of the social workers and caregivers are, in fact, women. One woman expressed a wish to have a stronger male influence in her son’s life. Her husband left and has not been involved with the boy at all. She fears that this has affected her son’s ability to interact with members of his own gender. Men must work to be intimately involved with their children and their development, even though our occupations, coupled with the tendency for us to be the primary source of income for our families, can make this seem impossible.
I experience this all the time, and I am as involved in my son’s life as any “Autism Dad” I know. Those who know me and see me, and see my son, on a regular basis (the ones who count)…i.e. his teacher, his aides, etc… come around quickly, so I’ve learned to not let it bother me. But it is something I encounter frequently.
Unfortunately, this treatment of fathers is not limited to the fathers of autistic (or other disabled) children. I have a very flexible schedule, so try to attend PTO meetings whenever I can. You should have seen the looks I got the first couple of meetings (and I couldn’t convince them not to call me Mr. Miller!). They eventually come around.
I posted about the importance of men attending IEP meetings on my blog, 29 Marbles, last year.
I have a son who is the father of two Autistic children. He is a wonderful parent and devotes so much time to his son and daughter.He has the patience of Jobe. I commend all the fathers. They too are giving their all.
I agree with Christopher. For me, the IEP meetings are too often a gab fest, with the case manager saying “how wonderful your son is doing”, as if he was a candidate for Harvard. It’s more a manipulative exercise (here, read it, sign it, and move on) than a real discussion.
And I have also been the recepient of the “Oh, it happened when the father was watching”.
Anyway, we live in a world where sometimes the gender bias favors the guy (buying a car) and sometimes it works against us (IEP Meetings).
the fact is that 80% of marriages where the couple has an autistic kid end in divorce and the majority of primary carers are still women, NOT men. They leave!
Caroline, if they leave then there was something wrong with the marriage to begin with. Don’t let your experience color your views of ALL MEN! I agree that most professionals dealing with our kids are women, and some women have their own biases against men so the tendency to push the dad aside could be there. We have had great luck though, in our program. My husband comes to all conferences with me, and is respected be the teachers and therapists. Of course, he’s no shrinking violet either. And he often does a better job motivating our son than I do! He’s never mentioned any negative comments to me, so I don’t know if they’ve happened or not.
As someone who previously worked in a “female dominated” workplace (a hospital laboratory) I would say that I receive no more (or less) differential treatment as a man during IEP’s/other interactions with teachers and therapists.
Women interact differently when they are in the majority, and a male presence interferes with that interaction. You are initially seen as an interloper and not belonging. Eventually one is usually (mostly) accepted as “one of the girls”.
Joe
I have been treated the same way and as far as I am concerned, that is fine. It is just the way things are.
Also, as long as I know what I do for my child and I just make sure everyone else knows and I don’t care. My wife also tells them who is primary care-giver.