Your Advice Requested: Problems with Extended Family and Autism
Tuesday May 15, 2007
A reader writes:
I have a question for you. Have you ever written about how autistic children are treated by their cousins or Aunt's or Uncle's , Grandparent's etc. My family are not mean to my child but they act like he is not even there. I'm just wondering if other familys go thru this and what do they do. I've tried to talk to them [family] but they don't see a problem.I do have a few articles on the subject of family involvement and acceptance, all contributed by psychologists Drs. Robert Naseef and Cindy Ariel:
- How Do I Get the Support I Need from My Family?
- What's the Best Way to Welcome My Autistic Grandchild?
- Helping Dads Get Involved with Their Autistic Children
Ideally, we'd be able to teach our relatives specific strategies for interacting with our children - and teach our children strategies for handling family events. Often, though, that's more easily said than done, especially when family members really aren't interested in learning.
So... how do you help family members to connect with your child with autism? Are there strategies that work well? Approaches to avoid? Please share your thoughts!
Comments
This is a tough one. Some family members are always going to be in denial and be very opinionated. My suggestion would be is to offer the info and idea’s, but not to waste too much time in gaining acceptance for those who’ll never get it. As much as we want their support, we ourselves have to accept some just are not capable of it. So make the attempt, then limit yours and your child’s stress levels by just not exposing yourselves to it. I’d love to have all my family around me and be supportive, but if I have to spend more of my time arguing, or listening to their lectures, how supportive is that? And in the midst of it all, sits my child. No thanks. The last thing I want is for my son to hear any of it and second guess himself, or feel he is the cause of all this talk. I find for some reason, many adults lack when to know the appropriate times for adult conversations. My son may not talk, but he sure can hear!
Holiday Letter
http://www.autism-hbgpa.org/holdarticles/Holiday_Letter_for_families_with_Autism.pdf
Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew
http://www.southflorida.com/sfparenting/sfe-sfp-autism,0,6196233.story
these are also good printable’s. I’ve sent them every holiday when my son was young. At birthdays, in the invitations, instead of gift idea’s I included things to remember per my child to make his day a good one.
I would start by asking ‘Would you like to learn to connect with my child?’
Depending on their answers I would know what to do next.
If they say yes I would ask them to volunteer some of their time on weekly basis so they can form a bond with the child.
If they do not want to get involved let them not get involved.
I think that this occurs because people are uncomfortable with the unknown and also because they don’t know where to start when building a relationship with a child who is autistic. Parents of 1 child at my daughters inclusive preschool recently admitted that they didn’t know my daughters name even though they volunteer in her classroom every week since September. When I asked how they had made any attempts to get to know her, they said, “Well, she doesn’t really respond when we talk to her.” I gave suggestions about ways to enter her world, mentioning her passion for Dora the Explorer and Stickers, etc. I also educated them on autism a bit, letting them know that her lack of response isn’t anything personal towards them, which I think they originally believed was the case. Well recently, they told me that on their previous visit to the classroom they had brought Dora stickers to donate as art supplies and for the 1st time they made a connection with my daughter who asked them for “more stickers” and smiled as they spoke to her. Help your family to understand your child as well as her likes/dislikes. Suggest ways to approach your child that won’t make her want to run away in discomfort, etc. Sometimes others just need some support to initiate interactions with our very special children.
I have a 18 year old stepson with Asperger Syndrome. The hardest part for me is watching my husband treat his son like an infant. I have tried to explain to him he is handicapping our son. Our son wants to be treated like an adult. He doesn’t act like a little child. My husband still cuts his food up! It is driving me crazy. I think it is detrimental to the young adult to be thought of as a child when they are doing their best to make it in the adult world.
We have a 6 year old with Asperger Syndrome. My older sister has often looked with contempt at him. My parents and other sister are accepting of him and loving towards him. My mom recently taught him to play baseball. I make sure that there is plenty of info available to them on asperger snydrome; any time there is a tv specail on autism I make sure that they know what channel and what time. When some foolish person askes me, “How long until he is “normal?” I respond calmly reply, “Why honey, he is normal! He is doing great with all God has given him to deal with.”
My family has been incredible with my son who has Autism. There are many children in our extended family. All the children are treated the same, this has helped him understand what’s appropriate and what is not. His cousins have been told he has autism and how he reacts to things. They are very understanding and make efforts to not let him go off in his own world. The include him in their games, activities and parties. It has helped him learn a lot – language, behavior, social skills and more!
I have a sister who told me that because we have therapists and respite workers helping with our two sons that I am not being a good Mom in that I am not raising my children! She doesn’t get it at all and has told me “We all have our poor me’s”. I am so angry. Can someone offer advice.
We all need a break. Does she not have adult time? Hire a sitter. Sometimes I find it hard to find a sitter for my son with autism. My family takes his sister frequent. My mother in law can’t keep up physical to him but tries. I find it hard to keep up with laundry etc and keep our house sanitary when he is home. My mother in law doesn’t get this and other extended family as I am as stay at home mom the house should be perfect. After all they are at school. 3 hrs of watching him dump juice fixed her or visits letting her do things . Email advice back to her or info on my perspective. Often they don’t get social issues or sensory processing communication problems that can effect their behavior. Educate and ignore if you have a disagreement. We all have opinions and do the best we can in raising ALL our kids special needs or not.